Page 62 of Halftime

There was a difference between saying you’re done with someone and actually being over them. Not that Cooper would know. It had been dumb to go, undoubtedly, but I’d run across Faith’s roommate Penny a couple of days after our…breakup? That didn’t seem like the right word. There’d been no fireworks, no big fight…just a fizzling out. Neither of us had fought.

It was depressing. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have…

I just didn’t know.

I couldn’t just fall out of love with Faith. She’d become part of me years ago. She was the first person I’d opened up to. And when we’d gotten back together, it had been like a missing piece of me was back in place. Getting over her was going to take a long time.

When I’d run into Penny just after that last talk with Faith, I’d asked her how Faith was doing. There would always be a connection between Faith and me, a lot of emotion, and it had to mess with her like it did me. I hadn’t been sure what I would do with any answer Penny gave me. If Faith was upset, was it supposed to make me feel better that it hurt her as well, or worse, because her hurting hurt me? If she was doing okay, that wasn’t going to help me. No one wanted to feel replaceable. Though at least I had some experience with that.

But Penny had told me Faith’s grandmother had died, and she’d gone back for the funeral, and that had gutted me. She was hurting, and the people who cared about her should gather around to help and support her. I hadn’t known it, but I’d left her when she needed someone most.

I’d had my phone out, ready to call her, when reality had slapped me upside the head. I couldn’t undo what I’d said and done, and neither could she. Instead of calling her, I’d opened a browser and looked for information on her grandmother’s funeral.

Cooper thought I was an idiot, and maybe he was right, but I’d asked Coach for some compassionate leave, spoken to my profs, borrowed a car and taken a couple of days off to drive up to Canada and be there at the funeral. It had ended up a bust. I didn’t even touch Faith, hardly spoke to her. But I’d tried.

Her grandmother had been a really nice woman, and being there for Faith had felt right. If Faith had given a sign, anything, I’d have done whatever she needed. Given hugs, been a shoulder to cry on, brought ice cream—I didn’t know what the right thing was when someone who was part of your foundation died, but I knew having people around must help. But Faith hadn’t even been able to look at me. I’d driven back to Vermont feeling miserable and like an idiot.

Cooper was right. I was an idiot. Still, he invited me to come see him after I did the obligatory holiday stuff with my families and promised a New Year’s Eve party to blow my mind. I was pretty sure my mind would be ready for that.

Getting over Faith was going to be a long process. I’d tried it last year, so I knew this raw feeling would be around for a while. Talking to Faith about my hockey future had made some things very clear. I’d tried most of my life to earn attention and affection from my parents. It had never happened. It wasn’t going to. I needed to make decisions for what was best for me. It sucked that it wasn’t going to be something my parents would be happy about.

I could just add that to the things that were sucking in my life right now.

* * *

My parents’ amicable divorce decreed that I was with my dad on Christmas Eve, then with my mom Christmas Day. As I’d grown up, I’d realized they hadn’t been working out who wouldgetto have me, but rather who wouldhaveto take me. It had been a stark and depressing realization.

So once school broke up for the holidays, I hung around on campus for a couple of extra days. That way, I could show up at my dad’s in time for our Christmas Eve traditional “celebration” together without having that awkward period where they were busy with their lives and commitments and I’d have to hang around with nothing to do, just being in their way. At least at the hockey house I had a room that was only mine.

My parents lived a couple of hours apart. On Christmas morning, my dad would drive me to a prearranged meeting place about halfway between the two houses, and Mom would pick me up and drive me back to her place. After that, I’d hop on a plane to go see Cooper, to everyone’s relief.

It would be great when I was done with school and was supporting myself. I’d have my own place, and I could send gifts and cards to my family and be where I was truly wanted for holidays.

During the handoff, we’d have a state of the union talk. Twice a year, when the parents were handing me over, we discussed the issues that concerned me and my future. There had been a time when the discussion was about which hockey camps I’d go to, and when I’d need to be dropped off and picked up. Once I was old enough to go on my own, it had been about arranging buses or trains and making sure I had the money I needed.

Nowadays, the meetings were short and sweet. Most of the time, I made suggestions and they signed off on them. Last summer, the exchange had been a little more serious and lengthier. They’d talked about hockey. That I should focus on my classes and getting my degree first. Hockey was great for providing the funding to get an education, but my degree should be the top priority. I’d nodded with them. It had been the most attention they’d paid me in…who knew how long. I’d felt like they’d seen me, were concerned about me. But I’d been fooling myself. I wasn’t going to do that any longer.

Dad and I pulled into the service centre and sat at a table. He checked his watch before going to get us coffees. I knew they were waiting for him back at his home. I was, as usual, the holdup. For once, I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it. I had a right to live, to have needs and wishes and dreams, and if that made things unpleasant for them, too fucking bad.

My mom came racing in. She was checking the time, too.

Could they just for once consider how I felt when they treated me like a damned hot potato?

“So how’s school going?” my mom asked. They both smiled, pretending to care.

“Fine. Hockey’s going even better.”

They looked at each other. Yeah, they might not have had enough in common to stay married, but they both agreed on this. I wondered when they’d had a sit-down to discuss the problem of Sebastien, having to interact because of their “problem”.

I wasn’t a problem, and I was tired of feeling like one.

“That’s nice, Sebastien, but like we discussed in the summer, your classes should be the first priority.”

“With all due respect—” truthfully, I was debating how much was really due them, “—the two of you expressed your opinion that getting my degree and a regular job would be so much easier and less stressful for you. But I like hockey, and I’m good at it, and if that’s my dream, I have every right to go for it. And that’s what I’ve decided to do.”

I couldn’t blame them for looking shocked. I’d never pushed for what I wanted before. I hadn’t had to do that for hockey, because they’d just been happy to send me away to a place where I wouldn’t inconvenience them. I’d never asked for anything else for me. Never asked them to sacrifice beyond what they already did, since it was obviously such an issue for them.

I knew I had some fucked-up thinking in my head because of how I’d been raised. I didn’t want to be defined by that, or to mess myself up because of it. This thing with Faith had made things all too clear. I’d thought what we’d had was the best thing ever, but it had been doomed by her parents’ fuckups. I was not going to allow my parents’ baggage to cause any more damage to my life.

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