Page 67 of Halftime

“What is it, Devereaux?” Coach was behind her desk, a guarded look on her face. She had to know why I wanted this private chat. She didn’t look thrilled at the prospect.

I swallowed. “Can I talk to you for a couple of minutes?”

Coach sighed, like this was an imposition, but she nodded, and I sat in the chair across from her. There was a moment of silence, and then I decided to spill. There wasn’t a lot to lose.

“I played on my first all-female team two years ago.”

She was watching me over crossed arms. “Because you couldn’t play on the boys’ teams anymore.”

My hands tensed on the chair. “Exactly. I didn’t get to choose whether I wanted to play with women or men. That choice was taken away from me. I couldn’t choose because I didn’t have a dick between my legs.”

Coach’s eyebrows rose.

“My dad had always put me on co-ed teams, and later, he fought to get me on boys’ teams because he wanted me to be the best. I never got much choice about who I played with then, either.”

I hadn’t minded. I’d liked playing with the guys, learning with them. I’d been comfortable with them, but I hadn’t considered there were other options.

“I like this team. This women’s team. I like having locker rooms where I’m one of the group, not shuffled off into a storage room because I’m different. I like that I don’t have to pretend I never have a period because then I’m not one of the guys. I like playing with people who have the same basic body as me so we can talk about bras and chafing and things I never could talk about with the guys.”

Coach’s arms were uncrossed now, but her expression was still skeptical.

“I like it, but I hate that I couldn’t choose. And I want to play on men’s teams to show that I can be better than they are, that I’m tougher, and so that one day, if I have a daughter, she won’t have her choice taken away. I want to be on this team. It’s a good team, and I want to bring a championship here for the women. I also want the men’s team to know that we’re not second rate or second class just because we have vaginas.”

I drew a breath and mentally adjusted my big-girl panties. “I’d like my coach to help me with that.” I let out a breath and looked at the ground. “So, um, that’s what I wanted to say.” I stood, ready to go.

“Sit down,” she snapped.

I sat, wondering if I’d just detonated my college hockey career and everything that followed.

Coach leaned forward across her desk. “I know that took guts to say. We may have gotten started on the wrong foot. I’ve had to fight for everything for the women’s team here, while the men’s team are gifted things without even asking. I’m a big proponent of women’s sports, and I’m sensitive about any perceived disrespect. If you’re committed a hundred percent to this team, then I want you here. You’re a damn good player. But your father isn’t going to have a say in what I do. And I don’t want anyone on my team who signed up just looking to score a hockey player.”

I looked her in the eyes. “I don’t want my father to have a say in what I do, either, so if he’s been talking to you, that wasn’t anything I asked for.”

The next comment required more courage. “I have never used my sport or my team to try to get a guy. I think I’ve lost my shot with my hockey player, but I’ll warn you, I’m going to try to get him back. Not that my first choice is an athlete, because our schedules are brutal, but…” I shrugged. There was no one else as good for me. No one else I was in love with.

Coach finally cracked a smile. “I’ve seen how you play. If you use that same focus on him, he’s in trouble.”

* * *

I counted down until my two weeks were up. It wasn’t easy.

Without the anger and suspicion to distract me, I’d missed Seb. Part of it was the sex, because that was great. But it was so much more than that. I wanted to tell him about talking to Coach, and how we’d cleared the air. It was exactly what he’d told me to do. I wanted to sit and study with him, watch him rub his eyebrows with his finger when he was absorbed in what he was reading. I wanted to hear that grunt in his throat when something surprised him. I wanted to talk hockey with him and ask what he’d decided about the draft and his family.

I really wanted to see the flush in his cheeks and those half-mast eyes when he was close to coming. When he couldn’t say anything beyond, “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” because there was no blood left in his brain. I wanted to hear that breathless, helpless moan when he came and then was boneless around me. I needed to rein in those thoughts, because they made me want things that I wasn’t sure I’d ever have again. I missed him. I hoped he’d believe me when I said I’d changed. That I would try.

It had been difficult to wait, but I had to have something to show him that would convince him it was worth taking another chance on me. I’d wanted to check social media or hang around the arena to see him and who he might be with. Once, I’d given Penny my phone for a night because I didn’t trust myself. Trust did not come easily. I’d worked and practiced for everything else in my life, and I would apply that to this as well.

The hockey house finally had another party happening. It was someone’s birthday. I didn’t care who. I only had one reason to go to the party. Penny helped me get ready, so I was looking the best I could. She’d promised to come as support, but I’d thanked her and told her I needed to do this on my own.

She lent me her lucky scarf. It reminded me of Seb. I gave her a hug, tight and sincere. Some things had gone badly this year, but I’d lucked out with my roommate. Penny hugged me back, told me I was going to get my man, and watched me head down the hallway like it was the first day of school, and I was her kid. I’d been less nervous then.

If I’d lost Seb, if I couldn’t convince him to give us another try, I was going to hurt badly.

Even though it was January and cold, there were people hanging out on the porch, and a couple of the windows were open. Condensation on the glass showed it was warm inside. I greeted a couple of the guys I knew and saw Zoe, one of my teammates. I waved at her, but I had one objective, and I didn’t let myself be distracted.

I made it into the house. The place was crowded, packed wall to wall. As one of the taller girls, I normally had a good chance to find someone in a crowd, but this party had a lot of really tall guys. I was pretty sure I saw some basketball players, so I didn’t have much chance to look over their heads.

Someone offered me a cup of something, probably beer, and I shook my head. I wasn’t stupid enough to drink anything I hadn’t acquired from a trusted source, and I needed a clear head tonight. I worked my way around bodies, but I didn’t see Seb in the front room, so I twisted my way through to the kitchen where people were helping themselves to a keg. I finally found him in the next room, where a game of beer pong was going on.

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