Page 32 of Halftime

Faith’s friendship was a kind of security I’d never gotten from my own family. It had been hard feeling like I never had a place where I could be myself. I always had to be careful, make sure I didn’t make waves, make sure I fit in without causing discomfort. It had never been enough to make me belong. When I’d joined the billet family and then Faith and I had started hanging out back in Toronto, I’d had my first real taste of belonging. It had taken time, but eventually I’d been able to be shitty around her. I realized I could get angry and pissed, and she wouldn’t withdraw or leave. She’d just gotten pissed right back. And then we’d work it out, and I could relax. And we’d have sex.

I could be me, and Faith stayed.

I’d convinced Faith we could date long distance because I hadn’t wanted to give that up. It hadn’t been just about the sex, though that had been awesome. But the rest of it had been even more important. And that’s why I wouldn’t risk what we had now for any fuck, no matter how good. We were getting that back. It wasn’t totally the same—we didn’t talk much about last year—but we were almost there. I wouldn’t risk pushing for romance when I might lose that feeling of belonging. So there was lots of me and my hand in the shower, but I could live with that. At least, for now.

Maybe just the two of us at dinner tonight would be the next step to getting back to everything we’d had before. I’d watch her, try to pick up clues. I was feeling optimistic for once. I sent her a text to say I was here.

Nothing.

I waited. Faith normally responded right away, but she could be in the bathroom or something. I called. Her line was busy. Someone came out the res door, so I caught it and started up. Faith wouldn’t mind. I hoped she wouldn’t.

Then my brain got busy with that underlying fear I never lost. I worried, trying to remember what could have happened since I last saw her to mess things up. The breakup last year had come out of nowhere. I immediately worried that something else had come up relating to that. Maybe that girl had found her, told a different story? Had someone told her I’d been with a girl somewhere this year? Taken a photo? Made her think I’d cheated on Holly?

She’d talk to me if so, wouldn’t she?

I found her in the hallway frozen still. She didn’t even notice me standing right in front of her. I could hear from the phone beeping that whoever had been on the other side of the call had hung up. Whatever she’d heard had upset her. So much that she hadn’t pressed her off button.

Was it something about me?

I checked her expression. She was hurting. It hit me that I needed to help. I had a horrible vision of her wearing the same expression when I called in the stupid drunken fit of remorse last year. Had I done the same thing to her then? The thought made my stomach curl up. But that wasn’t the situation now. Now it was something else, it had to be, and I needed to get my head out of the past and see what she needed. I put a hand on her wrist, the one still gripping her phone. That caught her attention, and she looked up at me, shock dilating her pupils.

“Seb.”

It wasn’t an accusation. Whatever had happened wasn’t connected to me. We were still just friends. But Faith was hurting, so I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into a hug. She needed that comfort. She was stiff for a moment, then she relaxed and clamped her arms around my waist. It felt good having her there. Probably too good, but I shoved the thought aside.

“It’s my grandmother,” she said into my jacket.

“I’m sorry.” She only had one grandmother she was close to, the one who’d had a stroke a year ago. I was afraid this might be the worst news. It would devastate Faith. They were close, and she was a super nice lady.

“She’s got cancer.”

I felt that pain inside. I’d met the woman, and she was everything I would have liked in a grandmother.

“I’m sorry.” I had nothing else to offer. Just my words and my arms around her.

“They’re giving her just a few months.”

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.”

I was. Her grandmother had been a rock for Faith growing up. Her parents’ marriage was volatile. Her dad cheated, her mother got upset, things were tense, they got counselling or something and pretended everything was fine. Until the next time her dad cheated. And there’d always been a next time.

Sometimes, her mom had traveled with Faith’s dad, so he couldn’t complain he was lonely or use some other stupid excuse for his indiscretions. When Faith was too young to be on her own, her grandparents had taken care of her. Her grandfather died about a year before I met her. Her grandmother had come to every game Faith played, unless it had been too far to drive. Until the stroke last year. Her grandmother had been going through therapy since then, was close to getting full functionality back. Faith told me about working with her until she’d come to Moo U. The two of them doing their workouts together. It wasn’t fair that the woman had been hit with cancer now. I was upset to hear this news, and I wasn’t Faith.

“You want to go back to your room?” I wasn’t going to leave her, but we couldn’t stand in the hall forever.

She shook her head. “Penny’s there. I don’t want to talk about it with her. Not yet.”

Penny would say she was sorry and ask questions. Not that that was a bad thing, but Faith didn’t want that right now. I was pretty sure she wanted to come to terms with it before anyone else asked about it. And she hated it when people saw her cry.

“Okay, my place it is. The guys went out. We’ll order pizza in, and you can do whatever you need to.”

Nothing like this had come up when we’d dated, so I didn’t know if she’d want to cry, block it out, talk, or whatever.

Faith sniffed. “No, I don’t want to mess up your evening. You go have fun. I’ll be fine.”

I pulled back from Faith far enough for her to see my face. “I’m not leaving my friend. And don’t forget, I know your grandmother, so this upsets me, too, even though she’s not my family. We can go back to my place, you can have time to get your game face back on, and I dunno, you want to buy plane tickets to fly back?”

“Gramma said I can’t come back if I’m missing hockey. She said she’ll beat this thing, but she doesn’t want me to miss any games.”

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