Page 34 of Wishes for August

“Because I’m selfish, August. I’m not a good man, I’m a terrible father, I know. But I am trying now. Your brother, he’spissed at me for the way I treated you and for keeping you a secret from him. He wants to know you. You’re his family.”

I felt the panic rising in my chest again. But I wouldn’t let this man see me break. So, I hid the sadness behind my anger. It waged a war inside me and I was defenceless against its intensity.

“I have no fucking family!” I bellowed.

And while he didn’t deserve my story, I wanted him to hurt the way I did so I levelled him with my gaze, anger burning in my eyes, as I told him exactly what his leaving had done to me.

“Thanks to you, I have no one. You thought mum had enough love for me? She had none, not that she showed anyway. You wrecked her. You broke her heart and she couldn’t bear to look at me. At the way I looked so much like you. So that love you convinced yourself I had? I didn’t. So fuck you for showing up now. Fuck you for trying to be some amazing dad to your other son. Where were you when I needed you?”

Patrick’s breath stuttered and his eyes were glossy as he watched me, only inches away from him. His hand twitched on his knee like it was itching to reach out and comfort me. But he didn’t and I was grateful. I didn’t want his comfort. Patrick’s head dropped and I watched his body tremble.

We sat like that, both of us lost in the pain and regret of actions taken all those years ago until I steeled myself and spoke again. “Please leave.” My voice was weak but he heard me. When he looked up, I took in his red rimmed brown eyes, straight nose, and rosy pursed lips so similar to my own and watched as he nodded wordlessly.

“Please give meeting him some thought. You don’t have to forgive me but he’s innocent in all this too.”

And with that, Patrick West walked out of my life, again. At least this time, it was what I’d wanted.

I flopped down onto the sofa, and let out a deep sigh, closing my eyes to rid myself of the unwanted feelings tearing through my exhausted body. I felt the sofa dip next to me and a familiar body pressed up against me.

“You okay Auggie Bear?” Branson asked as he pulled me into a side hug. He was smaller than me but the way he hugged me always felt so big and comforting.

“I don’t really know.” I never lied to Branson, but I really didn’t know. Confusion, anger, sadness, hope - all these feelings competed for space inside me and I didn’t have the energy to sort through them.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Not right now.” What I wanted to do was drink until all these feelings inside me shut the hell up.

Another knock on the door reminded me that we had a pizza coming, and Bran stood to open the door. I wasn’t hungry - for pizza anyway - the hunger I’d felt earlier had morphed into a restless energy that was bubbling up at an alarming rate. Like a pressure cooker ready to blow.

“I’m going for a drink,” I said as I stood up abruptly.

My words caught Branson off guard. “Now? But the pizza just arrived. How about we eat and then see how you feel?”

“No Bran, I’m going now.”

“Let me change and I’ll come with you.” I looked down at the grey hoodie and navy sweats I was wearing and considered for a second that I should change too. But it felt like the walls were crashing in on me and I needed to get out.

“No, it’s okay, I want to go alone.” Branson started to protest but I cut him off. “Really Bran, I want to be alone. I'll call you later, okay?”

Branson hesitated for a second, but he knew me, and he knew that when I asked for space, I really needed it.

“Fine mate but call me if you need anything.”

“Another one,” I barked at the bartender, slamming down my empty shot glass. He raised an eyebrow at me. “Please,” I corrected not meaning to be so rude. I rested my head on the bar in front of me, closing my eyes in an attempt to drown out the sounds of laughter around me.

I wasn’t equipped to handle the immense number of emotions wracking my body. Hot and fiery like poison in my veins. Unwelcome and unwanted.

Why now? Why after all these years was my father giving a damn. Was it really just because of his other son? I’d stopped wishing for a family a long time ago. I was fine alone. Everything was fine.

Drinking, sex, self-loathing - those I could do, those were my tools. My companions. Three things I could control when everything else was too overwhelming. But tonight the booze just wasn’t cutting it. Where it usually left me feeling numb, it was instead magnifying every negative thought and pent up emotion. I felt restless and itchy and needed something else.

The empty stool next to me was suddenly full - I felt the presence of someone next to me before I saw them. As his expensive scent wafted over me, I lifted my head to take in the stranger next to me. He was older than me - probably in his mid-forties. He was tall and handsome, with a sharp jaw and a sprinkling of salty grey in his brown hair.

“Hi,” his voice was smooth and confident. “Would you like some company?” His blue eyes sparkled as he snaked them over my face and down my body. I watched him take me in, a smilegrowing on his face. There was nothing subtle about his actions or his intentions. He wanted me and in his tight tailored suit, expensive watch and with an aura of power, he didn’t strike me as a man who often heard the word no. “You look like you could do with a friend, and a little fun.”

The stranger rested his hand on my arm and I looked at it, watching closely as his fingertips moved softly up and down, tracing patterns on my skin. His touch felt foreign, like it didn’t belong.

Because it didn’t.

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