Page 54 of Wishes for August

But deleted it before I could hit send.

“Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” the sonographer asked, looking between me and Dina, as he poured a viscous liquid over Dina’s exposed belly. I'd booked us this private scan because we were both excited to know.

“Yes, please tell us,” Dina said, looking up at the small black screen next to the bed she was propped up on.

My eyes tracked the movement of the sonographer’s hand as he swiped the ultrasound machine over the gel and around the lower part of Dina’s abdomen.

“If you look over here,” he started, and I focused on the small screen. A smudge of white swirls showed up and I squinted to work out what I was seeing. “This here, is an arm, and this, is thebaby’s head. Now if I move down here we should be able to see if this is a little boy or girl.”

I held my breath while I waited, excitement making me fidget with the brochure I’d picked up in the waiting room. A brochure for “daddy to be'' classes that I planned to attend. I wanted to be the best father I could possibly be to this little bean, and that started with learning how to care for a newborn. We hadn’t ironed out the finer details on how this would work - the two of us co-parenting but not living together - but I wouldn't miss any part of fatherhood.

“I’d say you’re having a little boy. Congratulations! And by the looks of things, you are a little further along than you indicated on your form. Not a problem; I'll edit the details,” the sonographer said before asking if we’d like some photos printed out.

I looked at the image on the screen of our little boy - the little button nose and tiny arms that moved around his head and for the first time in weeks, I smiled. August leaving was the worst day of my life but my son was a little bit of light in all the grey clouds that hung over me.

I couldn’t wait to meet my son, to watch him learn to walk, to teach him how to ride a bike and to introduce him to Hamlet. I wondered if he’d have my green eyes, or if he’d have Dina’s blue ones. And would he grow up to play a sport or would he prefer to draw and create works of art that I would paste all over my home? The possibilities of what this little one could grow up to be were endless.

The sonographer handed us each a photo and I folded it and placed it in my wallet. My fingers itched to pull out my phone and share this with August. He was my first thought when I woke up, my last before I closed my eyes and the dream that kept that little flame of hope burning inside me. He had without a doubt changed my life with his stern looks, his wicked smile and hisdirty mouth and I missed him. I missed him more than I ever thought possible.

Once Dina was ready to go we headed out to my car.

“I’ll drop you at home now. I’m driving down to see my parents for the night,” I told her, as I headed towards where I had parked. She gripped my hand and pulled me to a stop, wrapping her arms around my waist in an awkward hug.

“Do you want some company?” she asked, “I could come with you to spend the night. Like old times.” Dina was determined to have us get back together. In her eyes, this baby meant we were a couple again or at least we could be. I had told her on countless occasions that that wasn’t going to happen. But that didn’t stop her asking or trying to touch me or kiss me when she saw the opportunity. I stopped her every time.

“No Dina, it can’t be like old times. I told you before, we are not getting back together.” My voice was harsher than I had intended but I was growing weary of her attempts. I pulled her arms away from my waist and they flopped to her sides.

“We’re having a baby together, Caleb. Don’t you think we should try and work this out between us? I could move back in and see how things go. We were always so good together.” She ran her finger down my chest, to the waistband of my jeans and I flinched, stepping away from her.

I rubbed my hand along my chin, my unkempt beard scratching my skin as frustration bubbled out of me.

“I don’t want to be with you Dina! I want -” I stopped myself before I could say his name. I hadn’t told Dina about August. She didn’t need to know that I was walking around feeling like a piece of me was missing.

“You want what Caleb? Tell me huh? Because you’ve been moping around for weeks now and it’s kind of annoying.” I would have laughed at her little outburst if I hadn’t had felt so utterly dejected.

“Never mind Dina. It doesn’t matter. Come on, let’s go.”

“You’ll still pick me up to go shopping on Saturday?” Dina asked as she climbed into the car.

“Yeah, I’ll pick you up.”

“Does the baby really need this much clothing?” I asked Dina as she bundled up outfit after outfit and threw it into our basket.

“The book I’m reading said to expect quite a few outfit changes a day, so yes.”

I nodded, not wanting to argue. I browsed the racks of clothing, grinning to myself when I picked up a teeny pair of socks. They were covered in tiny spots and stripes in various shades of blue, and had a soft, towel-like feel to them. They were possibly the tiniest item of clothing I had ever seen. I placed them in the basket and wandered over to where Dina had moved on to look at cribs.

“What about this one?” Dina asked, pointing to a white oval shaped crib. It didn't seem much different to any of the others. I was tired, my feet ached, and I felt lightheaded having skipped breakfast.

“Yeah, that one is nice,” I replied, noncommittally. I didn’t really care what crib we bought, and the baby wouldn’t either.

“You said that about the last one too. Are you even interested in shopping with me?” Dina’s voice had taken on a sulking tone and she’d been snippy with me from the moment I fetched her this morning.

We had been in the baby store for over two hours, selecting everything we’d need for her place and mine. I never knew that babies needed so many accessories. We already had two changing bags, a tiny plastic bathtub, a huge, complicated travel system along with two car seats, all the outfits she’d just chosen,an array of these thin cloths we apparently needed for “wiping up messes” or so the saleswoman said and, a contraption I could use to strap the baby to my chest.

“That’s not fair Dina. I’ve been here the whole time, I’ve helped pick out loads of other things, paid for them and carried them to the car. I’m sorry for not being more excited about a crib!”

“There’s no need to be so tetchy Caleb,” she huffed. “Let’s take two of these then.”

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