Page 56 of Wishes for August

I saw red, swiping my hand across the counter, pushing a glass bowl and some of the shopping to the floor. The bowl landed with a loud crash and the contents of the paper bags scattered at our feet.

“What the fuck Dina? Why did you lie?”

Dina started crying then and Andrew slowly pulled her into his side. “I was scared Caleb. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left you. And when I found out, I decided to raise the baby alone but the closer it got to my due date the more afraid I became of doing this all alone. You’re a good guy Caleb. I knew you’d love this baby even if you couldn’t love me. Andrew was never going to leave his wife. And you’d always been dependable.”

I scoffed at that. She’d ruined my life because I was dependable.

“And you and him have been together...” I dropped my sentence. I already knew the answer, she’d been sleeping with him while we were together. All those nights she was out, her growing coldness towards me, it all made sense now. She’d stayed with me because I was a sure thing.

“Fuck!” I shouted and Andrew stepped towards me reaching his hand out to calm me down. “Do not fucking touch me,” I seethed.

Turning back to Dina, I levelled her with a glare, my heart aching fiercely as I delivered my parting words.

“Do you know what you took from me? I was shocked when you showed up at my office, but I was so happy that I’d have this little guy in my life.You took that from me. I met the love of my life and we were happy. Sofuckinghappy.And you took thatfrom me.Your actions were selfish and so unbearably harmful. Stay the fuck away from me.”

I stepped over the discarded baby items, bending down to pick up the little blue socks and stuffing them into my coat pocket. Then, I walked out of her door and her life for good.

Chapter 29

August

Five days after our break up, the daily text messages started. I had read them all. Every single one. I’d read them over and with each one, more and more tears fell until I couldn’t cry any more.

CALEB:

I miss you.

Please talk to me.

I’m sorry I called you a coward, you’re the bravest person I know.

Can I see you?

Often, the texts were followed by photos. Of him, of us, of Hamlet. All these memories I was trying so hard to shut out. Caleb Winters had turned my world upside down and he continued to do so with every sweet word, every smiling photo. Eventually, I turned my phone off and I hadn’t turned it back on until this morning when I’d made the decision to return to London.

Being back in Cornwall had been easier than I had expected. I had walked down the street Branson and I grew up on and passed the house I once called home. After mum died, I’d sold the house and put the money into savings. All her possessions were donated to charity or dumped. I’d kept my baby photos and a few from the time in my childhood when my family was whole and the only part of her I kept was a photo of her holding me the day I was born. That was the mum I wanted to remember. The one who’d looked at me with adoration in her eyes.

After almost two weeks in my hometown, it was time to return.

Time to get my life back on track.

To put my walls back up.

To move on.

To delete all of his messages.

As I watched the green fields whizz past through the train windows, I thought about how I’d move on. How once I was home, I’d go back to doing things the way I always had before I’d met Caleb. I’d drink and party and fuck. And I would be fine. The thought made my stomach churn, everything about me felt so different now but the only way I could see through this was to be the person I was before. To be the man who was okay being alone, who secretly craved affection but didn’t seek it out. The man who shielded his heart and didn’t get attached because he knew that nothing was ever permanent. Not for him anyway.

My apartment was cold and empty when I walked in, just the way I had left it. Branson’s stay had been extended so it had satthis way since my departure. Mail had built up on the front mat: mostly takeout menus, but the odd white envelope lay in the pile. I ignored it all as I threw myself on my bed and dug my face into my pillow. Breathing in deeply, I whimpered when I realised the scent of Caleb was completely gone.

I rolled over and pulled out my phone. My screensaver was still him at eighteen dressed in his suspenders and bowtie. I deleted it then pulled myself from my bed and went about removing every trace of him. My hand hovered over the magnet on the fridge. Caleb’s smile was bright and his eyes shone - it was his signature look and one I loved so intensely it took my breath away every time. I removed it from the fridge and shoved it at the back of a drawer.

A few hours later, after taking a long, hot shower, I dressed myself in a sheer white shirt, skinny black jeans and my black leather jacket, shovelling down some stale dry cereal before I walked out the apartment door.

I don’t know how long I sat leaning against the sticky counter in the small, grubby bar in South London, but it didn’t take long before a guy slid into the stool next to me and offered to buy me a drink. He was about my age, muscular, blonde and had a sleeve of tattoos and a nose piercing. He was as far from prim and proper – as far from Caleb – as I could get. He was everything I didn’t want, which made him perfect.

Blondie told me his name was Travis and that he worked in building management. I didn’t really care what he had to say but I made small talk anyway as the drinks continued to flow. As he slid his hand up and down my forearm, I suddenly had one goal in mind and that was to bend him over and press myself into his tight ass. In the past, the thought of a quick fuck in a club would have sent a buzz of excitement through me. Now it just left me feeling sad and sick. Everything in me screamed to leave.

---