Page 59 of Wishes for August

I loved him.

Chapter 31

August

Ifelt disgusted with myself. Ashamed. I couldn’t look at Caleb as he pulled me out of the car and into his house. Hamlet jumped around at our feet while Caleb awkwardly propped me against the wall. He pulled off his shoes and mine and locked up the house.

“Do you think you can make it up the stairs?” he asked. I couldn’t read the tone of his voice. Was he mad at me? I nodded and he slung one arm around me and helped me up. My brain was still fuzzy and the nausea hadn’t subsided but the alcohol was wearing off a little.

In his bathroom, Caleb started the shower before stripping off my clothing and opening the shower door for me. I hung my head and shuffled myself under the warm water. Why I automatically expected him to get in with me, I don’t know butI felt crushing disappointment when he closed the shower door and left the bathroom.

I closed my eyes and stood in the hot shower, tears mixing with the water as I sobbed silently. If I hadn't been such a coward, we would still be happy. If I had accepted that he truly meant what he said that we could make it work, that it wasn’t me or the baby, then I wouldn’t be so miserable right now. Caleb had never given me a reason to doubt him. But I had and I’d ruined the best thing to ever happen to me.

Why wish for things when you’re just going to throw them away?

I was startled when I felt a cool breeze and opened my eyes to find Caleb standing under the hot spray with me.

“Turn around.” He nudged my shoulders, “Let’s get you clean and then you can sleep this off.” I did as he asked and turned my back to him, pressing my hands against the shower wall.

Caleb poured shampoo into my hair then gently worked it in. He rubbed his hands down my back, over my ass and down each leg. When he stood up, I felt the brush of his cock against me as he kissed the back of my neck.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. He didn’t say anything as he rinsed off the soap from both of us and turned off the water. I shivered at the loss of heat and he placed a towel over my shoulders. I turned around to find him watching me, a sad look in his eyes. “Are you mad at me?” I asked in a quiet voice.

He shook his head. I wished he would smile. What I would give to see him smile.

“I’m not mad at you August. I just feel –” Caleb shook his head again, cutting off his own words. “We can talk in the morning.”

My heart ached - even though he was right here with me, he felt so far away. Maybe I had well and truly ruined this beautiful thing we had.

Once we were both dry and in his room, Caleb handed me some water, a headache tablet and a pair of sweats and gestured for me to climb into bed. His scent clung to all the sheets, and the feeling of being back here was comforting. But Caleb didn’t join me in the bed, instead he walked towards the bedroom door.

“Where are you going?” I blurted out, fear making my voice scratchy. He looked at me with those sad eyes again.

“I’m going to sleep in the spare room. We’ll talk in the morning, okay?”

“Wait! Please stay. Don’t leave me.”

I need you.

Caleb shook his head. “I can’t right now. I need to calm down. This isn’t me pushing you away August. You already did that, remember?” His words stung and I flinched. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I just need a moment, okay? I kept hoping you’d call me and you never did. Tonight wasn’t how I’d expected I would get to see you again and I just -” His words cut off. “I’ll talk to you in the morning when we’ve both had a chance to get some rest.” With that, he walked out of the room.

I buried my head in his pillow, breathing in his scent and tried to pretend he was next to me. Tried to pretend I hadn’t fucked it all up.

“I love you,” I whispered into the empty room. Eventually, with the pillow wet from my tears, I fell asleep.

I woke to the smell of bacon, but my stomach flipped at the thought of eating. My head ached and my mouth felt disgusting. Climbing out of bed, I cleaned up in the bathroom, brushed my teeth and walked down to the kitchen. Caleb was at the stove, frying an egg while Hamlet begged for scraps at his feet.

“Morning,” I said. How many times had I woken to this same picture? Only now it felt different, like I wasn’t welcome anymore.

He turned to me and the faintest smile tugged on his lips.

“Hi, there's coffee in the pot. Can I get you something to eat?”

“I’ll take some coffee but no food, thanks.”

The air between us felt awkward. I wanted to touch him, to hug him, to kiss him good morning like I usually would. Instead, I pulled out a stool and sat at the kitchen island, coffee mug in hand and waited for him to join me. Caleb sat down and ate in silence. The silence made me uncomfortable and my legs felt restless, shaking in the seat while I waited for Caleb to say something, anything.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, looking down at his plate. I noticed he wasn’t eating anymore, just pushing the food around.

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