Page 20 of Wishes for August

Mr Winters

Mr Bennett? Mr Winters? Oh shit, he was pissed. He’d never been so cold and indifferent towards me before. Even in his emails Caleb was usually sunshine personified.

I knew I should feel bad about how I had treated him. And I did, I really did. But I also couldn’t stop the fleeting thought about how much I would love to bend him over his desk and whisper “Mr Winters” into his ear while I railed him from behind. All thoughts I should not have been having when I needed to focus on the fact that I had royally pissed off my boss.

I couldn’t blame him, not one bit. For the past few days I had been playing ping pong with his feelings. And now we were traveling to New York together and things were bound to be awkward as fuck.

Well done, August.

Knowing I needed to say something to him, apologise for Saturday night, and try to muster some semblance of our formal working relationship, I strolled over to his office and knocked, then waited patiently while chewing my bottom lip to pieces.

“Come in,” he called out.

“Mr Winters,” I said in greeting as I walked into the office. I didn’t miss the faint blush that sparked on his cheek at my words. How I would have loved to trace the rosy red skin down his neck. If I was going to fuck him that is, which I was not, I reminded myself.

Caleb watched me intently, his eyes tracking my movements, his lips pressed into a firm line. Taking the seat opposite him, I found myself hoping he’d grace me with his smile. In the short time I’d known him, I’d come to adore the way his face lit up and his eyes sparkled with the upturn of his lips. But the Caleb in front of me now was not Mr Sunshine. His face was hard, his hands clasped tightly in front of him on his desk.

“What can I do for you, August?” His tone was harsh and detached. The sound of it caused my stomach to clench, a turbulent wave of unease circling inside me.

“Um…” I mumbled. I struggled to find the words to say to him. “I wanted to apologise for Saturday night. I know I keep coming on to you and then….”

“And then leaving me with my dick out?” he interrupted, his voice humourless.

“Yes, I guess so. I’m sorry Caleb.” There was only truth in my words. I was sorry. Sorry I couldn't date him, couldn't just accept this connection between us. Sorry that I was constantly afraid of someone loving me and then leaving me.

He ran his hands through his hair, ruffling up those brown waves that had appeared in so many of my fantasies lately.

He shook his head and let out a sigh, “It’s fine August. You told me you didn’t want anything more between us. I let myself get carried away and I read too much into it. That’s on me.”

“It’s not though,” I interrupted him hastily. I didn't want him to think my rejection had anything to do with him. Truth be told, he was everything I could have wanted in a partner had I been brave enough to accept what he was offering.

“It’s not at all,” I was losing my train of thought, what did I want to say to him? I groaned, throwing my head back. “Fuck, I don’t know what to say or do to make this right Caleb.”

“I get it, August. It was fun but you don’t want me. Let’s leave it at that. Or better yet, let's just forget any of this ever happened.”

His words hit me in the gut. Forget it happened?

I didn’t want a relationship, I wasn’t about to start calling him my boyfriend or making plans to spend Christmas together but I did want him. I wanted to be in his presence, I wanted to feel his skin under my hands, to taste him on my lips. There was no denying I wanted him, but I think our ideas of what that would entail were totally different.

“Friends with benefits,” I blurted before I could think better of it.

“Excuse me?” he asked, his words drawn out and his brows raised.

“You were wrong, I do want you, I'm just not looking for a serious relationship. But we have fun together and I think we could keep having fun, if that’s something you’d want?” My voice was hopeful, my heart suddenly beating so much faster in my chest. I wanted so badly for him to accept this.

He was silent for a while, watching me, his hands restless on his desk top.

“I don’t know August. That’s not really…. it’s not for me. Maybe we just need to accept that while we are clearly both attracted to each other, we want different things.”

I couldn’t blame him for turning me down but I also could not hide the utter disappointment that was racing through me.

“Okay,” I replied to him, not meeting his eyes, “I understand and, for what it’s worth, I really am sorry.”

With that, I stood up and left his office.

The rest of the week was delightfully uneventful. Caleb and I managed to work together without any further talks of sex or relationships or anything outside of the job at hand. It was all very professional.

I hated it.

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