Page 104 of Happy After All

He could’ve waited until next summer, and I know that it has to do with the book. But in many ways, it has to do with two things.

His impatience for it all to be over, and his need for me.

Both things are true.

He wants this done so he never has to come back, and that’s the reason he was finally able to sleep with me. He isn’t coming back.

He’s also impatient. So he came back early.

He’s here at Christmas for this. For me.

It’s because he wanted me. The whole time.

“Goddamn. I don’t know what to do with this,” he says.

He sounds helpless and in awe at the same time.

He sounds angry, and happy.

It’s the strangest thing. Yet extremely real. Realism is overrated, honestly.

We finish our pizza, and then we’re just sitting, underneath the lights, the stars. I lean against his shoulder, and I take a deep breath. I smell his soap, his skin, the pine trees. I’ve never felt happiness that hurt so much. Like Christmas itself, I guess.

I start humming “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”

It’s a song that always makes me sad. I don’t know why. There’s a melancholy to it, or maybe it feels that way to me because Christmas was always a little bit lonely.

He takes my hand and pulls me into a standing position, brings me up against his chest. And before I realize it, we’re dancing. Slowly, without rhythm, to my song.

He looks at me, and my heart expands. Everything falls away. Everything but him. Everything but us. This is the single most romantic moment of my life, even though the road I had to walk to get here was an awful one.

Right now, it’s all beautiful.

I want to stop time. I want to live in this moment as long as possible. I remember sitting in my pain and wishing that time would move quicker. So that I could get past it.

Time is my enemy either way.

In Rancho Encanto, time hasn’t mattered quite so much. It’s like I’ve been sitting, staring at a blank page, unwilling to write any new words because once I do, my foot will be on a particular path.

A blank page has limitless possibilities, but at the same time, it’s nothing.

I can’t do nothing anymore. I have to choose what story I’m living.

At least now there’s a reason for this song to be painful and bright all at the same time. Because it will always be Nathan’s song.

This place will always belong to him. This moment.

This will always be a happy ending of a kind.

One that didn’t last as long as I wanted it to.

But was happy all the same.

I hang on to him, and we sway even after I stop singing.

Time just keeps on moving.

Chapter Twenty-Three

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