Page 61 of Knight With Benefits

The night was long, and I spent it tossing and turning in my empty nest, hot flashes making me sweat one minute, only to fade and leave me shivering after I’d thrown my covers aside. Every little noise from outside had me twitching and holding my breath, instincts plaguing me more as my heat drew closer.

Despite how long it had been since my last one, I knew the signs. I couldn’t check my own scent, but I was sure it was growing riper as my hormones revved up to send me into a cycle I’d have loved to avoid. I even considered trying to find suppressants, but part of me shied away from the idea of ingesting a toxic substance just to avoid a bit of discomfort.

Plus, if the Purists did come for me, I had decided I’d be better off lost in instincts than aware of what they were doing to me. I’d ignored messages from Adam, and just as many calls from unknown numbers, so I knew I hadn’t been forgotten.

Too annoyed to attempt going back to sleep for the last hour until I usually awoke, I threw my blankets off the bed and dragged my weary bones to the bathroom, forcing myself under the spray before it had warmed to chase away some of the fog encasing my brain. Knocking back a mug of black coffee afterward left me semi-human, despite the way my stomach shuddered in disgust.

With time to spare I decided it would be good to get some laundry going, and I returned to my room to dismantle part of my nest. I never washed all of the blankets at once, needing the comforting scent they carried, and the traces of smokey chocolate and mashmallowy sweetness made me even more reluctant to tug the bedding apart and make a pile of what needed to be cleaned.

“Suck it up, Gwyn. You haven’t had an alpha’s scent in your nest in months, you’ll survive if it fades.”

Even hearing myself say the words out loud didn’t help convince my fingers to move faster, and it was like dragging them through mud to scrunch up the fabric and toss it aside. I couldn’t bring myself to touch the pillow he’d used, or the shirt that still covered mine from our first time at the café.

“If it’s that bad with his scent gone, you can always grow some balls and bring him back.”

It was as if my omega side had taken over my mouth, trying to convince the rest of me to give in to what all of me wanted. It was no use saying I didn’t want Carl, or that I wasn’t far more interested than I should be for something I’d wanted to be casual, but even if I was willing to admit I’d like to see where things would go, it still felt like the wrong time. There were too many other things looming over me and demanding attention to split it any further trying to fumble through a relationship too. Sex was one thing, but feelings and attachment needed to stay out of it.

But did that mean I could have him tend me through my heat?

If I wasn’t dragged back to the Slums by then to be claimed by another alpha with no heart or soul.

Sighing, I let my head thump against the wall as I slumped backward. Pinching my eyes shut didn’t stop the flashes of memories that haunted me from the first few years with Anthony. Two decades later, and I still grew sick at the thought of the void that had been where there should have been warmth and love.

But should I have to continue suffering because of him?

Going through heat without an alpha was painful and could be dangerous if I was too lost to care for myself and it lasted longer than usual. Carl had proven himself to be a different kind of alpha, but there was still fear at the thought of asking him to help me.

Was I still letting Anthony control me by letting the fear win?

The snarl that ripped from my throat echoed through my room, and I struggled to cut it off. He’d taken enough of my life from me, I couldn’t let him have any more of it.

Nodding at the empty space, I reached down and gathered my bedding. Taking it to the washer was easier after deciding I was going to ask Carl to help me through my heat. I might still end up alone if he refused, and a piece of me cowered at the thought, but at least there was a chance to overwrite old memories. I was tired of them holding me back and making me uncomfortable with being an omega when I used to love the idea of it, and I was determined to become that woman who had accepted every part of her and was happy.

I kept myself busy until it was time to leave, coming up with ideas for the next week of lunches and starting my shopping list. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake I had before, buying too much to carry home on the bus. I was planning to order all of my dry goods and have them delivered so I only had to get the meats and fresh produce that I didn’t trust someone else to choose for me.

I was still wracking my brain for meal ideas as I walked, not wanting to repeat something I’d already made for Carl, when I walked around The Hangout and stopped short at the sight of two motorcycles parked outside the café. The two men waiting on them wore the same Hell’s Knights vest as Carl, but neither of them were my trusty bear, and it took me a moment to remember it was Sunday. Since he had to work at the shop he talked about all the time, he’d gotten me to agree to having someone else come help in his place.

Twosomeone else’s, apparently.

“Umm, hi. Sorry I kept you waiting, I hope you haven’t been here long.”

Both of the men were young, probably only a few years older than my eldest son, and while a stab of disappointment lanced through me at the thought of Adam, my shoulders relaxed slightly. They were still alphas and could overpower me without problem, but their age made them a little less threatening, and I wondered if Carl had picked them because of that.

“It’s fine. Carl wanted us here early to get the painting done.”

The one who spoke was vaguely familiar, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes as he scrubbed a hand through his short blond hair.

“I have the supplies inside,” I said as I passed them to get to the door.

Whatever Carl had done to it in the beginning had worked, because it no longer stuck so bad I had to use all my strength to open it. The lock clicked and the door swung open on silent hinges, a little bubble of joy swelling at the cheery yellow beyond the doorway.

Neither alpha followed me inside, and I sighed as I put down the thermos of coffee I’d brought from home before reaching for the handle of the machine Carl had dropped off the previous day. I wouldn’t have put it past him to have threatened the guys to remain outside the building, but it would have been nice if he’d remembered that would mean I’d have to lug everything out on my own in that case.

I struggled getting the machine around the corner into the short entryway that led outside, and by the time I tugged it over the threshold, I no longer cared what he’d said to the alphas. One of them was going to have to get the five-gallon paint bucket we’d picked up for the outside of the building, because I wasn’t going to break my back with it.

“I hope at least one of you knows how to use this thing, because I have no clue. The paint is inside, but it’s too heavy for me to carry.”

The look they shot each other confirmed Carl must have said something, and I rolled my eyes. I knew he meant well, but alphas always seemed to complicate things more than they needed to be.

---