Page 55 of In the Grey of Dawn

“Your pendant,” I gasp, reaching under his collar to pull out the gold medallion he has hanging from the chain he never takes off, remembering the few times I've wondered about it and the patterns stamped within the centre. I always thought it looked like a coin but never had the courage to ask him.

I respected him as a man who kept everything close to his chest. The type that if he wanted to tell you he would, so I just waited for it to make sense, waited for him to let me in a little deeper. Placing his hand over mine, he squeezes it gently, keeping it pressed over his heart.

“I had three made. Two were placed on her eyes at her funeral. I needed to make sure she had all the currency she would need to make it to heaven. And one I had made into this necklace. I used the gold from the ring I picked out so we would always be together.”

I'm so overwhelmed with sadness for him. The pain he must have gone through and the weight of everything he's said is utterly heartbreaking. How he could have survived is a strength I will never understand.

“There were six men who were in the room with her that night. That was where I started my revenge. I took my time with each and every one of them, making sure they had slow and painful endings. One, I tied to a chair and left in a room full of hungry rats. I listened to his screams as they slowly ate their way into his flesh. Another, I forced into a steel barrel and lit a fire underneath it. Taking peace in his pain until he stopped screaming for someone to save him. One by one I found them and stomped out their existence. It didn't matter what I did to them, they all begged for forgiveness at the end. I carved out the eyes of each and every one of them, putting those blank copper coins inside the empty socket. They would be blind in the afterlife with no currency to pay anyone if they needed to. Kept in eternal darkness, their eyes constantly searching for a light they will never find. I was baptised by the dawn while adding another layer of confusion for them to overcome in their pursuit of redemption.”

Breathing heavily, I can't help but wonder if the man Dimi was talking about down in the bar is somehow tied up in all of this. He had saidyou missed one.At the time I was confused but more focused on the fact that I had found out Porter and Dimi were brothers. But now another puzzle piece clicks into place and I'm worried for all of us that history will repeat itself.

“How many did you … How many people did you kill, Porter?”

“There were eighty seven people in their immediate family. Brothers, sisters, aunts, children. After I had finished with them, those who were still loyal were also removed. I lost count in the end but after the final soul was cast into purgatory I returned to my father and took my pound of flesh. I left him alive in the end but damaged his body beyond repair. Broke every bone from the neck down so he was left in a constant state of pain. I didn't touch his head though, I wanted his brain intact so every day he would suffer. After that, I disappeared and ended up as Porter Anderson, small town bar owner and overall grumpy guy,” he scoffs.

“I kept to myself where needed and I didn't let anyone else get close to me. That is until you, Charlie.

You seemed to have unlocked something in me I thought was long dead. And every moment we have together terrifies me because I want you so bad, but I'm so scared of losing her all over again if I choose you. I will not survive if something happens to you because of me and I will not survive if you ask me to give her up. Every morning I wait to see the dawn come in. It was her favourite time of day and the weight of what I did to her lightens, like she is granting me a new day of punishment and forgiveness. It's a small moment I take each day to grieve and reflect on everything and nothing all at the same time.”

Taking a deep breath, he brings his hand to my chin and tilts my head to look at him.

“I'm sorry I got angry when I overslept yesterday. It wasn't fair of me to put that on you. You didn't know how important each morning is to me.”

A single tear rolls down his cheek, a small sign his body is losing out on all of the emotions he is suddenly feeling.

Reaching up, I bring my hand to his face and brush it away, snuggling into him a little further, trying to find the right words to say. He was angry because he missed seeing the sunrise, missed his chance to connect with her in the dawn light. He thinks I would want him to give up her memory and it's the furthest thing from the truth.

“My mum died giving birth to me. I know it's not the same, but sometimes I feel like I killed her. That it should have been me who died so my dad and brothers could continue to have her. I feel all of these things for a woman I never met and when my dad tells us stories of what she was like, the guilt I feel can overwhelm me. When I was twelve I ran away from home. Left a note saying I was sorry I took her from them, stole all the money from the swear jar and disappeared. I made it as far as the bus station before my dad found me. He was so mad, but once I was home and everything calmed down, he explained that my mum wouldn't want me to be sad over her death. That she had died so I could live. That I needed to live for her.”

The tears silently roll down my face as I think of that day.

“I've never seen my dad so upset but it was the turning point our relationship needed. He never knew how I felt when he told stories of her and so a part of his frustration was for himself and not seeing how it was affecting me. I took everything my dad said that day and I started to live. I lived fiercely and still try to. I want to love you so badly Porter, but you have to want that too.I don't want to convince you to love me back, so for right now if this is all you can give me, then I'll take it willingly. But I also think that she would want you to live as well. If you want it, there is a world where you can love us both. I will never ask you to stop loving her but I need you tolivewith me as well.”

Getting up from his lap, the cold wind blows against me and I can't stop the shiver from rolling through my body. Letting go of the blanket I place it over him and quickly walk through the falling snow to the rooftop door.

“I think I'm going to go back to my apartment. Give you some time to think things over. Let me know what you decide,” I call out.

Wiping the tears from my face, I hurry down and collect my things. I've basically moved in since that first night, everything now spread out in all corners of his apartment. Taking a final look around I take a deep breath and leave. Continuing to keep the promise I made to my dad all those years ago, that I will choose to live, I just hope Porter wants to do it with me.

The cold wind smashes into me as I open the door to the alleyway behind the bar. Bringing my scarf up a little higher so it covers my nose, my warm breath making my skin tingle from the heat. The last snow for winter is predicted to fall over the next few days and I can't seem to shake this cold feeling from when I left Porter on the roof.

Is this one of those moments in life where that saying is relevant,if you love something set it free, if it returns to you then it was always meant to be.I want him to chase after me and tell me I'm the one, that I'm everything he's ever wanted. I want him to pick me as well as her, to have enough faith in me that I would never ask him to stop loving her. I can share himwith her, love him alongside her but I just need him to want it too, and right now I'm not absolutely sure he does.

Taking a final look at the rooftop, I see him rise from the sofa, practically vibrating with anger. The first rays of sunlight hit him, catching the silent rows of tears that have fallen down his face, ones that I've not been there to wipe away. Abruptly he turns, taking a few steps to the rooftop door and punches the glass, the panel shattering under his fist. The soft tinkle of glass shards clinking together sound like a windchime for the few seconds it takes for them to hit the soft snow below.

Porter turns toward the sun and lets out a heart wrenching wail, the sound of his overwhelming grief as he drops to his knees and brings his bloodied hands to his face. I feel like I'm watching him fall apart as the echo of his gentle sobs travel across the wind to reach me.

What am I doing?

What the fuck am I doing?

I've left him in the one moment he needs me. He needs to know that he doesn't have to be alone anymore, that I'm strong enough for this. Pulling the strap to my duffel bag a little tighter, I quickly head back to see if I can hold all of the broken pieces of the man I love together.

Chapter 33 - Porter

The Night We Met - Lord Huron ?

My chest feels so tight. I'm struggling to breathe and I can't shake this feeling that I've lost them both. I just want to go back to the start of everything, make different decisions and have a different outcome. Never talk to Lila to begin with. Just leave her to live her life without me. The autumn sun shining across her face made her glow. She was so peaceful, radiating innocence and joy.

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