Page 71 of In the Grey of Dawn

Regret flowing through me as soon as it leaves my mouth but I don't say anything else. I can't. What am I meant to say to a man who has everything when I have nothing? I don't care that Porter was his brother, that he's grieving too. It feels like I'm standing in a room full of people screaming for someone to understand but no one does. No one gets this feeling.

I'm drowning and no one will save me.

Porter, come back and save me.

Please, save me.

Chapter 44 - Charlie

Falling Apart - Michael Schulte?

Ireturn to Hidden Valley in a daze. The whole trip home is overcome with that sensation of driving but you don't know how you got to your destination.

Did I stop at that red light?

Did I give way to that blue car that was turning?

I can't remember driving here but now I'm back, looking up at the bar from the car park and everything reminds me of him. The bar, our home, this town, are all reminders of the life we would have had together. Which has now turned into a daily reminder that he's never coming back to me and I don't know how I'm meant to keep going. Should I move away? Keep running the bar? Start over? All of these questions repeat over and over inside my head and I have no one to talk to about them.

No one that will understand.

I need him so badly.

Why did he leave me?

He made me feel whole and I didn't know how much I was missing out on until it was ripped away from me. Torn from my soul, leaving me broken and in tatters.

With each step heavier than the next I make my way up the stairs and open the door to his apartment,our apartment. This hollow feeling is all encompassing. He's everywhere and nowhere all at once. My body is on autopilot as I put my bag down, take a water from the fridge then have a short shower and brush my teeth. Every action brings me another step closer to sliding his hoodie over my body. The soft fabric allowing me a small moment of comfort in this pit of despair I've been swallowed by.

His smell is all around me and as I slide into his bed,our bed. The weight of my new reality crushes me and with it, I let my tears fall.

One, for the first night we shared.

One, for the first time he caged me while sitting at the bar.

One, for the night he mouthed the wordsI love you.

My tears fall like a monsoon in the summer heat, rapid, heavy and unforgiving, as I let everything I've kept bottled up, go. I cry until I sleep and when I wake up, I cry again.

???

“Charlie?” A soft voice soothes me and I know Mila is here. “There you are, hon,” she says, reaching out to brush the hair away from my face. “I wasn't sure if you were ever going to wake up but I made some food so you need to eat it. You can cry after but you need to eat something.”

My eyes are like sandpaper and I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's so hard to move even for something I know I need. Though, what's the point? Why does it matter if I don't have an appetite? Food won't bring him back.

It won't heal my heart.

“What have you made?” I croak out from my hobbit hole under the duvet. My eyes barely peek over the top to look at herwhile she sits on the bed next to me. The obvious role reversal between my best friend and I, not lost on me.

“Nothing fancy, just a couple of grilled cheese.”

The sob comes out of nowhere, the sound of it exploding from my chest and instantly I'm taken back there. I've never been doted on so much but that night, how he tenderly cared for me like I was something worth looking after. He made me feel wanted, and cherished. That my time was worth something to him.

Like no other man had done before him, I felt heard and valued. And eventually, when there was more than trust between us, he loved me enough to share his secrets.

My eyes begin to water and I pull my head back under, not wanting to make the situation more awkward than what it is. Crying over grilled cheese is not normal but Mila's hand finds and rubs my back, trying to soothe me through this wave of destruction, and after all the tears have fallen and I'm left numb, I let the exhaustion take me and I fall back asleep.

???

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