Page 54 of Resist

I hand them back their coffee, they drink, and remain quiet.

“I can’t change the system, move it to a more indie-author friendly kind of publishing house, if I lose the entire company. We all know if I don’t find someone to marry, the board is going to give the company to some middle-aged white guy, one of their sons, or cousins, or find a way for one of them to run it. And then what? I lose my family legacy all because I didn’t have a piece of paper attaching me to a penis?”

For a while during my teenage years, I didn’twantDad’s legacy. Typical teenage rebellion, and grief, had me pushing him away for a time. He spent so long preaching at me about how important family and my inheritance is that I could recite his speeches verbatim. I found I’m constantly trying to pick apart whether the voice in my head is my own, or, in fact, my father’s. Most of the time, therapy is helpful with that.

Maddie takes a loud slurp of her drink like she’s trying not to let the words come out of her mouth.

“So, who are you marrying?” Phoenix’s eyes narrow to slits. “If I thought you could get away with marrying a vagina instead of a dick, I’d offer myself as tribute to stick it to those stuffy old bastards.”

Maddie snorts. “I love you, but I like dick too much to pretend to be a lesbian for you. And I think we’d kill each other if we married each other.” She sits back in her chair and points between me and Foxy. “You two, on the other hand. I could see you two together.”

Foxy shakes her head. “She doesn’t bat for my team. She probably wouldn’t even know what to do with a vagina if I offered it to her.”

She’s not wrong.

“Sterling.” The word comes out on a sharp breath and seems to land in the middle of the table so hard there’s a deathly silent, dramatic pause.

Both their mouths fall open in a blissful moment of comedic respite.

“Sterling.” Phoenix repeats. “My friend Sterling? From the club? Sterling Montgomery? You’re marrying Sterling Montgomery?”

I nod as both my friends share a look that tells me they think I’ve officially lost my mind.

“Corabelle.” Maddie leans forward, grabs both my hands with hers. “Tell me this. Your father passed away only weeksago. But you haven’t been in the club in months, you haven’t fucked anyone in longer still, unless Paul was putting out after all? Why has it been so long since you’ve had a real, human playmate, or even date?”

I don’t know where she’s going with this, but I shift in my seat all the same. “I haven’t felt the need to... I haven’t wanted to. I don’t know, I guess I figured I could do the same job myself with a toy, and it doesn’t give me any headaches or heartaches like a flesh-and-blood boyfriend could. I was also depressed.” The word still tastes funny on my tongue, but at least this time I was able to say it out loud.

Phoenix takes my other hand. “Don’t you get lonely?”

I think about the question. I had Dad, I have my friends, my work, but I can’t say I’ve ever felt truly alone. “I don’t mind being alone.”

They share another look.

“There’s a difference between being alone, and being lonely, Coco.” Foxy puffs out a short blast of air. “It’s one thing to not mind being by yourself, but loneliness... that emotional state of feeling isolated and without companionship, even when others are around...” Maddie looks at Phoenix like she might be able to articulate what they mean a bit better.

“It’s a profoundly different feeling. The three of us are all perfectly happy with our own company. But I get lonely sometimes. I’d love to have a girlfriend to come home to at night, to hang out with when I’m not working, to maybe think about having a family with.” Phoenix is suddenly very interested with the handle of her mug.

“I haven’t really thought about it.” It’s true. I haven’t.

“We’ve been worried about you for a while now, Coco. Since before your dad died. You’ve been isolating yourself. I know you think you need to be strong and in order to be strong you need to be alone, I know you think depression is some kind of dirty word, but that’s not true.” It’s unusual forPhoenix to be so soft and talk about feelings like this, so she must be worried.

Something about what she just said makes me move in my chair again and suck in a sharp breath.

“It’s okay to want to be with someone else.” Maddie pats my hand. “It’s okay to need someone from time to time. I mean, it’s okay if you truly want to be an island, but if you’re being an island simply because you’re afraid of getting hurt, or whatever else has been holding you back from personal connection...” She slaps her thigh. “I dunno. You don’t have to get into a relationship with someone to fuck them.”

She’s right, but I’m not sure what this has to do with Sterling and my impending nuptials of convenience.

“Sterling is a take home to your momma kind of guy. He’s a good man, with a sweet nature, and a kind heart.”

It suddenly dawns on me. “You’re afraid I’m going to hurt him.”

Phoenix nods. “Kind of.”

“Honey.” Maddie squeezes my hand. “You’re a fucking catch. He’s going to spend time with you and fall head over heels in love with you if you’re not careful. And if you’re not willing to let the drawbridge down even a crack so he can climb into your castle, then...” She whistles. “I don’t know.”

“You’re going to need some very strict rules in place for this to work, Corabelle. For both your sakes.”

I tip my head to the side. “You don’t think I’ll be able to resist his devilish charm?”

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