Page 42 of Live for Me

“I don’t really know. The code writing kind of came naturally. Once I had the basics, everything else just fell into place, like it was my primary language. The rest of it happened the way it did for you, I suppose. I had to learn to find my way into other people’s systems. I needed to be able to get into places I wasn’t supposed to, so I figured it out as I went.”

“The Internet taught you how to master the Internet?” he asked and laughed.

“Like you said, it was a necessity.”

“Why was it necessary for you?”

“That’s areallyshitty story, Utah. That’s material you don’t even attempt to cover until like date nine or ten,” I said and paused. “Or maybe even relationship year fifteen.”

“That’s the second time you’ve brought up dates, angel. You sure you’re not asking me out?”

“Stop making it weird. I’m already weird. I don’t need your help.”

“I’m not the one who keeps bringing it up.”

I had no idea where this conversation was supposed to go after that. I looked down at Dandy and shrugged my shoulders, like maybe she’d be able to offer some assistance. But there was no helpful advice to come from the tongue that flopped out of her mouth while we walked.

“Do you miss anything about it?” Utah asked. “Your first life?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “It wasn’t even that long ago, but it doesn’t feel real anymore. Like it wasn’t even mine, or maybe it was a dream. I think if it felt real, I’d miss everything about it. So, maybe that’s why my brain remembers it the way that it does.”

He was quiet that time, and it made me uncomfortable again to imagine him feeling sorry for me. I hadn’t ever been in a position that required me to murder my father. He was the last person who should feel sorry for me after his experiences.

“I do miss Jersey though,” I said, trying desperately to find a slightly different subject. “And my books. I don’t have anything to do here when I need a distraction. I can only paint my nails so much.”

“Your books,” he repeated with a laugh. “You miss your books. Where are they?”

“My house in Memphis. I don’t think Jersey would’ve considered them a necessity when he told me to pack the essentials before they came for me. So, that’s where they still are. A sad, lonely library.”

“Aren’t most libraries sad and lonely?”

“Most libraries at least have their librarian. And the librarian never has to feel lonely if the books are there. Endless friends available.”

“God, you really are a nerd. What kind of books are we talking about here?”

“Mmm,” I mumbled and paused. “Mostly textbooks.”

Not entirely untrue. Thereweretextbooks.

“You feeling the need to lie about a set of books has suddenly overtaken all my curiosity.”

“Can we maybe dig into your life instead?” I asked. “Something terribly personal about you, perhaps?”

He laughed and that was all it took to make my cheeks heat up.

“Ask me anything you want, angel. I can’t be embarrassed. I’ve spent way too much time working with Indy. Even more time learning that what other people think just does not matter.”

That opportunity took my mind in all of the worst possible directions.

How many women have you been with?

What’d they look like?

Is there a specific type?

Who was your favorite?

Why was she your favorite?

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