Page 48 of Live for Me

“Because that’s what we all need. Another angry Marine channeling his inner New Jersey to make sure the tension stays on this property even while he’s not here.”

Just her hands escaped the edges of the blanket that she was wearing like a massive coat so she could look down at them while she started picking at the nail polish on them. I sat up to put my hand over both of hers to hold them still.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not,” she whispered and swallowed so loudly that I could hear it.

“Then you don’t have to be…nervous? Uncomfortable? Whatever it is that makes you fidget every time I’m around and we’re alone.”

“It’s really not you,” she said and looked at me that time. “I’m sorry I keep making you think it is. I’m really fucking bad at doing new things. I overthink everything until every detail has a million possible meanings. And then all I can feel is stress over each of them. It serves a remarkable purpose when it’s work related. Keeps everybody alive and safe. Made me a damn good Judge, but damn useless at just being a regular person.”

I forced my hand in between hers then so I could tighten my grip on one of them.

“Why didn’t you go with Trista and New Jersey, Memphis? I know they wanted you to. I know you could see they needed the time to breathe. Why not give yourself that break, too?”

“We have way too much?—”

“Don’t,” I interrupted immediately.

“What?”

“Don’t give me the lie. Tell me the real reason.”

She sighed before she looked at me again.

“I have a sister here, Utah. We haven’t seen each other in years. Life was difficult for us, but as soon as I had the money, I set her up somewhere else, with a new family, and actual opportunities for a future. They didn’t have kids, but always wanted them. She was older than they probably would’ve liked and came with some pretty serious trauma, but they didn’t hesitate much once I explained that I was still willing to fund her entire life from a distance. People will go to some crazy lengths to have children.”

“You and I both know you could still handle the banking situation from any continent, angel.”

She squeezed my hand that time. “I live in perpetual fear that something will happen to her again. That she’ll need me.”

“Where are your parents?” I risked asking, wondering how far we could go into this conversation before she retreated.

“I don’t know. They never wanted us,” she shrugged. “Well, maybe they did at one point. But somewhere along the way, they must’ve changed their minds. I kind of always wondered if it was because I was the outcast kid. More trouble than I was really worth.”

She sucked in a very audible breath after that and took her hand back while she shook her head. For as much as I wanted to ask what that meant, how she could believe they’d just changed their minds about their children, she sure didn’t seem like she could handle much more of this discussion.

“I don’t think I’ve ever said those words out loud,” she whispered. “That shit sucked. Even to just say it.”

I reached for her far hip and hooked my hand around her to drag her the rest of the way against my side. Then I scooped an arm underneath her and just lifted her until I could sit her in front of me between my legs. She stiffened a little when I put my arms around her to squeeze her back into me, but she didn’t try to escape.

“I’m sorry, angel.”

I couldn’t help but wonder how many years I’d have to spend holding her to ease the kind of heartache that would come from believing your own parents didn’t want you. If she’d let me start now, I might stand a chance.

I could only relate to this feeling partially. I knew how it felt to be unwanted, but for as much as my parents didn’t want me, I also didn’t want them. Memphis seemed like she was in a different position. She wanted the love of her parents, while being rid of my mine was freeing just as much as it was damning.

CHAPTER TWENTY

memphis

It was never that Itriedto be the problem child for my parents.

I wasn’t after attention. I didn’t cause issues just to be seen. There was no grand scheme involved in any of the troublemaking that I did.

It was the invisibility by itself which seemed to continuously land me in that position.

There were a thousand small wrongs that required righting.

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