Page 88 of Live for Me

“We don’t have to dothisright now, angel.”

“Earlier you made it sound like we could do anythingIwanted, Utah. Is that not the case anymore?”

He smirked. “Anything you want, Memphis.”

“Feels like maybe you want it, too,” I teased and shifted my hips just a little to drag myself across the very thick erection beneath me.

“There’s really nomaybeabout that.”

I tried to readjust myself in his lap to position him where I could just lower myself onto his dick, but every time I got to the point where I just barely had the tip in, I couldn’t force myself to move. Nothing about my brain would let it happen. Which upset me enough to get me to raise off of him completely and try it again, just to find myself frozen in the same fucking position.

“Memphis.”

I ignored him and tried another time.

“Memphis,” Utah said again, but in a tone forceful enough to make me actually look at him. “Calm down, sugar. It’s fine. It’s about to storm. You’re about to be stuck out here in a downpour with all the bugs in Indiana. This doesn’t have to happen tonight.”

I leaned down to kiss him, but when he tried to pull back that time, I held him in place and pushed his lips apart with my tongue to kiss him deeper, harder. I gave up trying to make myself take him and started grinding my hips against his stomach instead until he groaned into my mouth. I stopped kissing him and moved my hands to the sides of his face.

“Will you do it?” I asked.

I wanted it. I wanted him. I wanted him to be the one to do this for me. I needed it to happen. If there was ever another person who could take the fear of this away from me, I knew with every fiber of my being that it would be Utah. I’d absolutely convinced myself that getting through the panic about it the first time would make it easier any other time after. Especially, if it was still with this giant who was part asshole and part the kindest man I’d ever encountered.

“Memphis, I don’t think?—”

“AnythingIwant,” I repeated and kissed him quickly another time. “Please, Utah.”

A startled squeak came out of me when he put an arm all the way around my lower back and raised us both right up while he got onto his knees. I wrapped my legs around his waist, apparently instinctively, because it just fucking happened without me having to choose to do it. I held on around his neck while he lowered me back down beneath him. He moved the arm from underneath me to place his hand on the side of my face and kiss me another time. His body blocked most of the rain from falling on me directly, but we were both still soaked in no time. When he stopped kissing me, his hand ran down the front of my neck, between my breasts, until he had his dick in his hand to get the tip into me another time. I closed my eyes, and both my hands went to his sides to dig in with my nails in a moment of panic, just like I’d done the first fucking time.

My heart was beating in my throat, and I could hear the blood rushing through every vein and artery in my body. It was deafening. It dulled and numbed everything around me until I was right back to just the memories of how this went. It’d been years since I could remember the details of what used to happen. I’d always assumed it was some sort of coping mechanism. I only experienced it in nightmares now, when my brain wasn’t in charge and my terror was. Even the nightmares didn’t necessarily bring back the details, but faceless bodies on top of me were always present. And there was always pain. So much pain.

I could feel Utah lower his body down closer to mine, but he was doing everything in his powernotto move his hips.

“Eyes open, angel,” he whispered beside my head and just barely raised up again. “Keep them on me.” He was quiet again until I actually managed to get my eyes open. He pushed in just a little more and stopped again when my eyes snapped shut and my grip on his sides tightened.

“Open your eyes, Memphis. Let me take over every sense you have. I want to be the only thing you can feel, the only thing you can see.”

He leaned down again and wiped some of the water from my face before he kissed my forehead.

“I won’t leave any space for whatever haunts you, if you can focus on just me right now,” he said and pressed his mouth to mine for just a few seconds before he rocked his hips a little harder. “Taste me. Look at me. Give this moment to me and I’ll replace all the bad, sugar.Feelme. Just me.”

He pushed the rest of the way into me, and a shaky sigh came out of me when my back arched. It definitely hurt, but not because he was being violent about anything. Because he was fucking ginormous.

“My fucking God,” I managed to breathe out.

“God’s not here, angel. That’s all me. And whether you’re about to be saved or damned, it’ll be at my hands. So, you and only you, can call me Colt.”

That glued my eyes to him.

Salvation.

Damnation.

Whatever he was offering, I wanted it. All of it.

Even with the stretching and stinging sensation from how big he was, I hadn’t felt this alive in years.

He moved his hips in little pulses at first. I imagined his intent was to give me a minute to prepare myself for what was about to happen. I ran my hands from the death grip I’d kept on his sides up across his ribs, under his lats, and then across his chest before I drove my fingers through the hair on the back of his head. Everything in my own body seemed to tighten after touching so much of him. Every muscle that corded through his body was flexed and solid with how much effort he was putting into holding back on my behalf. He lowered himself down to kiss me through the first time that he pulled all the way back out, just to ease in all the way to the hilt again. I had to move my mouth away from his to let the sigh escape with that movement, but I tightened my hold around his neck to keep him there on top of me as close as I could get him. He was still using the one hand directly beside my head to hold himself up, so he wasn’t crushing me, but his other hand came up to my face again.

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