Page 112 of Shroom for Improvement

Claude’s brows knotted together. “What kind of samples?”

“Swabs?” I didn’t know why I phrased it like a question. “It won’t hurt.”

“Oh, sure. I was expecting you to say urine for some reason.”

I laughed. “Well, now that you mention it, I wouldn’t say no.”

Claude laughed too, obviously mistaking my nervous chuckle as joking around. “You’re not kidding? Okay, whatever helps. But we tried the blood, didn’t we? Did you, uh... I mean, I’m fine if you want to draw blood again. I trust you. But, uh...”

“I could take some blood, but let me analyse the swabs and pee first, and I’ll let you know if I need any other liquids from you.”

We made our way inside my lab. I washed my hands, then unpacked the bag onto the countertop and found and laid out all the equipment I’d need. I washed my hands again, then pulled on latex gloves.

Claude stood beside me, quietly watching everything I did. Occasionally, he’d tilt his head to the side, like a puppy dog—curious and interested in what was happening around him, but not understanding a second of it.

“Open wide,” I said, a tongue press and a medical swab poised at his lips.

He did, even made the“aghhh”noise. I held the tip of his tongue down and rolled the swab on the inside of both cheeks. I transferred it to a petri dish and labelled it withClaude—oral.And because I was a sucker for comparison, I did the same to myself, and labelled my dishSonny—oral.

Then I handed Claude an empty urine pot. “Midstream please.”

He smiled and popped into my bathroom, returning a minute later with a lovely, still-warm bottle of piss. I loved my job. I had no idea why this made me so happy, but it really did. I wroteClaude’s pee-peeon the label.

“Are you going to do it, too? With yours?” he asked.

“Can’t beat a good comparison.”

After I’d filled up my own sample pot,Sonny’s pee-pee, I put them both in the centrifuge machine for about seven seconds, then tipped the liquid away.

“What are you doing?” Claude said, panic evident in his voice. Perhaps he thought I’d made a mistake, or perhaps he was worried he’d have to fill up another pot after only just emptying his tank.

I showed him the tubes, with their golden coloured sediment lining the sides. “That’s what we’re going to be looking at.”

“Looking at?”

“Under the microscope.”

I prepared a couple of slides with both our samples. “Okay, this one is mine.” I peered into the eyepiece and immediately moved out of the way for Claude to look.

It was normal. In every way. Normal, healthy fae pee. I must have looked at my own pee hundreds of times before. It looked no different.

Claude stood next to the microscope, and pressed his eye to the eyepiece. After a while, he said, “It’s very yellow. Isn’t very yellow pee a sign of dehydration?”

“Normally, yes, but we’ve separated the urine and the sediment, and this is just what’s left.”

Hehmmed, still looking into the eyepiece. “What are the bits? Protein?”

“No, protein usually indicates illness. Kidney disease or something. Those sparkling star shaped bits you see are glamour.”

“Glamour, really?” He pulled his face away from the microscope to look at me. “I didn’t know you could see magic.”

“You can see magic particles in everything living. The soil, the plants, animals, even humans will have some inside them. In their pee, their blood, in their flesh. But magical creatures, like us, will typically have a higher quantity of visible particles.”

Claude raised a brow. “In human flesh? Maybe I don’t want to know how you know there’s glamour in human flesh.”

“Maybe not,” I said, trying to quash my nervous laughter. That had been one extremely interesting—but stomach-churning—lecture. “But magic exists everywhere. It’s impossible to remove it entirely from anything living. It simply exists in higher quantities within magical beings like fae.”

“So, my pee will look like this?” he asked, then snorted. “Wow, I have said so many sentences today I’d never dreamed I would ever say.”

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