Page 59 of Shroom for Improvement

“Sure, they always watch, the little degenerates.”

My heart started beating at super speed. “Can they tell me what it is?”

“Nope,” Jenny said.

“Because of the shroom law, right?” I climbed the steps to the mezzanine level in an effort to rid myself of the sudden spike in adrenaline, followed by the crash of disappointment. “Because that would be far too easy.”

“No, because they are mushroom folk. They don’t have vocal chords. Crikey, what did you learn at school?”

I sat on the end of the bed and undid the laces of my brogues. “Apparently nothing.”

“You didn’t let me ask my question,” Jenny went on.

I held out my hands in ago aheadgesture.

“Masturbation—”

“Dear lord, please stop.” My face found my splayed palm.

“Is it an activity purely for enjoyment, or is it like a necessity, like a chore, something that has to be done?”

Jenny was quiet, evidently waiting for my answer.

I blew out a breath and spoke through the gaps in my fingers. “Uh...” Gods save me, I was talking to a sentient house about wanking. “It’s both, I suppose.”

Jennyhmmed. “Very interesting. Is it painful? It looks painful.”

I laughed, peeled my face away from my hand. “Not painful exactly, more like... intense.”

“That makes no sense,” Jenny said matter-of-factly. “What happens if you don’t do it for a while?”

“I guess we’re gonna find out together, aren’t we?”

I removed my suit, no longer bothering to hide my body from Jenny. It would see everything anyway. What was I supposed to do, change in the guest house? Plus, it had already told me it liked my tummy.

I dressed in my PJs and straightened the duvet on the bed. Fluffed Sonny’s pillows. Spritzed a lavender sleep spray about the place. Put the cosy softer lamps on instead of the big overhead lights.

Jenny giggled. I ignored it.

There was a soft knock at my door.

“You don’t need to lock the door behind him, okay?” I whispered to Jenny. “He can sleep in this bed the whole time he’s here. I know you think you’re gonna achieve something by pushing us together, but we’re doing this to keep you alive. So don’t scare him off.”

“You make a valid point,” Jenny said, and the door swung wide open.

And there he was, framed in the doorway, wearing my train-print pyjama pants I loaned him last night, bare feet and a good four inches of ankle poking out the bottom. On the top half, a black T-shirt with a white screen-print cat and the textSleepy Kitties are Happy Kitties. I guessed I was getting to see his bedtime tees now.

Damn, why was that the cutest thing ever?

“Hi.” Sonny pushed his wet hair off his forehead. His cheeks grew pink.

“Hi,” I said back, climbing down the steps to meet him.

“Tell me you see it already?” Jenny said. Of course, Sonny made no response. “You’re a different person when you’re around him. I’m right, aren’t I? You have a crush on him.”

“I brought a notepad. In case we get any ideas about the ritual at night, and need to jot them down.” Sonny scratched at a spot on his nose. He looked away from me. “It’s still okay to crash here, yeah?”

“Yes,” I squeaked, cleared my throat. “Yes.”

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