Page 3 of A Christmas For Holly

I held his gaze, refusing to look away. “But here I am.” I shrugged, though my chest felt tight with something I didn’t recognize.

Holly’s expression softened. He opened his mouth, and for a heartbeat, I thought he might say something real. But then he smirked, taking another swig of his drink. “Your funeral, buddy.”

As he walked back onto the dance floor, his laughter ringing out, I watched him, a familiar ache gripping my chest. Not for the first time in my life, I wanted to understand this pull toward another person—this urge to hug him, hold him close, and make things better.

And it scared me.

Chapter 2

Paul ‘Holly’ Hollister

I’d been halfwayto losing my shit even before Bailey and Kai started their vows, the words spilling from Bailey’s mouth as if he’d waited his whole life to say them. I couldn’t focus, needed to get to the drinking, needed to get out of here, but I’d been trapped as a co-best man right in front of Kai and Bailey, so close I could see the sheen of tears in Kai’s eyes.

The short ceremony had been honest and raw, and Kai looked at Bailey as if he were the only person on earth. Then it was Kai’s turn, and he slipped the ring onto Bailey’s finger, holding his gaze with so much intensity it was as though he’d carved out a private space for them, right there in the falling snow.

“I promise you, Bailey, that I will be there for you every single day, in the heat of the summer and the icy cold of the winter, and I will hold your hand for as long as I can. I promise you children and family, cozy moments in front of the fire and whirling you around on the ice until you’re dizzy. I love you, my angel. Always.”

They kissed, they loved, they smiled, and everyone clapped—even me. But then my monster was there to fight, and I headed straight to the small heated pavilion with the open bar I’d paidfor. Whiskey one, a double, was a hello to my pain. Two and three finally made my monster listen, and now I was on four, and I took another sip, letting the burn drown out the ache. Because, damn it, what Kai had with his Bailey was beautiful, and they deserved it. They’d looked at each other with a certainty I’d never felt in my life, like there was no doubt or fear. Just two people who knew they’d always be enough for each other.

I’d never have that. I’d never be good enough. The beast that climbed into my brain and stayed told me that no matter how many times I put on a brave face, danced, joked, and charmed my way through the night, I’d always end up exactly where I started—alone.

When the reception was in full swing, I had control of my monster, and no one could tell anything was wrong. To everyone else, I was the life and soul of the party, tossing back drinks, cracking jokes, spinning anyone willing onto the dance floor. I was the Holly they knew, the good-time guy who made everything seem fun, light, and easy. I was everything Kai needed me to be. His best friend, his co-best man, his loyal wingman who would make damn sure his wedding was the stuff of fairy tales.

I was the best friend who showed up, brought laughter and distraction, bailed on the bachelor party plans, but was there when it mattered. I called that a win. I threw back the remainder of the drink, letting the burn numb me, wishing I could stop seeing Kai’s face in my mind, how he’d stared at Bailey, so utterly in love. The monster inside me, the one I’d spent years trying to shove down, roared, and I could feel it in my chest, a clawing ache telling me I didn’t deserve anything close to what they had. That I’d never be worthy of it.

And Lucas hovered, sexy, alluring, making me want things I couldn’t have, and the monster was ice-cold in my heart.

“Your funeral, buddy.” I smirked, waiting for him to leave.

Only he didn’t.

He was like white on rice: He stuck to me, was judgmental, exasperated, and played with my head.

We waved Bailey and Kai away. They had a hotel room in the ski lodge at the top of High Peak Mountain, which I’d organized with Lucas or paid for. At least I know I’d said yes to an email at some point and handed over my credit card details. Kai hugged me goodbye, held me tight, and told me to take care of myself.

Everything was a blur, but at least my monster was dozing under the weight of the alcohol.

I need more of it.

“You need to stop,” the angel on my shoulder admonished.

I glanced behind me; Lucas hovered right there with a grimace. Or was that a look of understanding? I couldn’t tell anymore. He hadn’t danced with me; he’d just stared and judged, and I didn’t like that one bit, because no one got to judge me but myself.

“It’s a party,” I reminded him, and he squinted at me as if he couldn’t hear me. “It’s. A. Party,” I repeated, because my voice sounded weird as I ordered another drink with a casual wave.

“Water is fine,” Lucas murmured.

I watched as the barman nodded and switched his attention from me to Lucas.

“Whish-key.”

“Water,” Lucas nodded to the barman.

“Let’s comp—sh—compush… comp’mise: ice in my whiskey,” I suggested.

I needed that damn alcohol, hoping it’d be enough to silence the voice that wouldn’t stop reminding me how far from normal I was, how I was failing—at the game, at leading, at being anything other than a hollow shell in a nice suit, good for a laugh and a dance but not much more. A captain who couldn’t keep histeam from falling apart, a man who couldn’t get close enough to anyone to let them see the truth.

Lucas pulled me from the reception, or at least I think he did, but everything was blurry and numb. By then, the music was fading, people were drifting away, and it was quieter. I didn’t remember slipping back into my coat, either, but the bite of snow hitting my bare hands made me aware of how stupid I’d been not to bring gloves.

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