Page 26 of Wake the Dream

He watched her sink back down, tracking her every movement. “Why don’t you tell me why you’re really here today,” he said.

“You don’t think I’m here to find out more about my sister?”

“I think there can be multiple reasons. Layers upon layers. Your sister is the surface layer, but I can see that there’s more.” He leaned back, legs crossed at the ankles and the toe of his sneaker scuffing against the side of the desk.

“I’m about the surface pleasures. What you see is what you get,” Illaria insisted.

Kieran tapped out a melody with his toes before shifting again, organizing the files on his desk for something to do. “You know, my older brother had a way of doing things. A way of being and acting to let everyone know he was the one in charge. And when he left for college right before...anyway, he left and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’d gotten so used to standing in his shadow that without it, I had a difficult time adjusting.”

“Are you trying to say my sister was the one in charge? Get real, Shanahan. You have no clue.”

“I’m merely telling you a story. If it rings true with the relationship you had with your sister, then so be it.”

“Have,” Illaria spat out. “Present tense. And instead of reminding me again, you can focus on the case and finding her. Believe me, I can beat myself up well enough on my own. Just do your job because you know what? I’m tired. And you didn’t even bother to call me back to say you’d found something. You just...left me.” Breath escaped her at the words and a sharp rise of panic seized her when her throat closed. “You left me alone,” she managed. The black abyss inside of her was back, opening up wide to swallow her whole. “I have no one here.”

The sympathy written on his face should have brought answering anger, but instead Illaria realized how alone she truly was, and how much she needed someone to understand. To understand how she felt.

Kieran’s features shifted into impassive. “I can’t make you feel whole, Illaria. I don’t owe you an explanation for what I do on this case, either, and the sooner you understand and stop feeling self-pity, the sooner I can help you find Yelena.”

The ringing in her ears became a roar. “I don’t pity myself.”

“No? Tell me you don’t blame yourself for what happened to Yelena. Do you remind yourself over and over that it was your fault? That if you’d been home you could have helped her?” he persisted. “Let me explain something to you. The sister you knew and the person she showed to the world were completely different. What she did, where she went, it’s on her. Not on you. You need to let go of the blame because it isn’t going to help you. It’s only going to drag you down. Trust me, I understand.” He turned to his computer and clicked out of a box on the screen. “We have our demons.”

The roar ebbed and beneath it, Illaria recognized the too-familiar numbness. The lack of anything constructive. The why of it could go a million ways, but she knew Kieran was right. It would have been nice though to have one person who saw her for who she was without pitying her. She saw it on his face, the understanding and the damn pity she didn’t want.

It just would have been nice, that’s all.

His cell phone rang and Illaria stared at it. “Are you going to get that? I know how you are.”

The sarcasm felt better, more real than any of his layer-peeling had been. The numbness snapped back into the dull recesses of her mind where she could effectively ignore it until the next time it became too much to bear.

Kieran reached for the cell and pressed a button to answer the call. “Shanahan.”

“Detective?” The smoky voice echoed through the phone speaker loud enough for Illaria to hear.

Kieran broke eye contact with Illaria, holding up a finger to stop her from talking before she even said a word. Indeed, her mouth had been open in preparation but she snapped it closed. He turned away to keep the rest of the conversation from her.

She didn’t want to hurt his feelings and reveal that with her greater hearing, turning his back wouldn’t help. She still heard every word.

“I wasn’t entirely honest with you yesterday,” the woman on the other line told Kieran. “And I can’t talk on the phone. Is there somewhere we can meet?”

“Yes, of course. Name the time and place. Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked almost in a whisper.

“Absolutely. Yelena is out there and...yes. I’m sure.”

Yelena? Illaria worked hard to keep her expression neutral and her posture relaxed when everything inside of her rose to attention. The woman on the phone knew something about her sister? Apparently, she’d come to the precinct at the right time.

They agreed on a time and a place to meet—an address Illaria didn’t recognize—and Kieran ended the call with a click.

She leaned back in the chair and tried to pretend like she hadn’t been eavesdropping. “What was that about?”

“Nothing important. I’ve got to head out.” Kieran gripped his jacket and dragged it around his shoulders.

Illaria was on her feet in an instant. “So soon?”

“Yes, it’s important. And no, before you ask, you aren’t coming with me.”

“Why the hell not?” Fat load of good it did, telling her to stay put. She’d only follow behind or argue the point until he became sick of hearing her argue back.

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