Page 28 of No Rhyme or Riesling

He headed for the coffee machine, hoping caffeine might help with the pain. Adam opened the cupboard to pull out the can of coffee grounds only to realize the machine was already on, a full, fresh pot just sitting there, waiting for him.

Damn it. He turned around and sank down to the floor, resting his elbows on his knees, thenthunked his head back against the cabinet.

“Ow! Fuck!” he spat. Adam twisted around, holding the back of his head, and saw he'd hit the metal handle instead of the cabinet door itself.

“Adam?” Haven called.

Adam sighed.Shit.

A door opened down the hallway, followed by the sound of rapid footsteps. Haven appeared in the kitchen, rubbing sleep from his eyes, but he looked suddenly awake and alert as hethrew himself down at Adam's side. “Are you okay? Did you fall?”

“No,” Adam groaned, rubbing the back of his head. He checked his fingers to make sure he wasn't bleeding, then let his arm drop to his side. “I'm fine.” He huffed out a breath. “I'm sorry I woke you.”

Haven shrugged. “It's okay.” Haven fell silent, and even though Adam was staring down at the floor, he could feel the boy watching him. “What's wrong? Hungover?”

Adam shook his head. “No. Just a headache.” He gave a quick, fleeting gesture at the counter above him. “You didn't have to make coffee. Or dinner last night, for that matter.”

“Just wanted to help,” Haven murmured.

“Because I'm a hot fucking mess and incapable of taking care of myself.”

“No!” Haven gasped. “No, that's not it at all.”

Adam sighed again and rubbed his eyes. “Sorry. Fuck!” He ran his hands back through his hair, feeling Haven waiting patiently beside him. “It's like it's happening all over again. I feel like I'm right back where I started. Right after Dad…” Adam swallowed hard when a swell of emotion threatened to choke him.

Fuck!Why was the grief suddenly so fresh again?

Haven scooted over beside him, pressing their shoulders together, and took Adam's hand. They sat there in silence for several minutes. All the while, Adam fought the urge to cry, amazed that his body could still produce tears after yesterday.Hell. After the past nine years.

“Fuck,” he gasped. “Nine years.”

Haven tightened his hand. “Is that what it is? The anniversary hitting you harder than usual?”

Adam frowned, holding his breath while he kept trying to stop himself from crying. “I have no idea,” he finally replied. “Yeah. Maybe.”

“I get that,” Haven murmured. “That first Christmas, the year after my parents kicked me out? That washard. The next year was a little easier. And then it seemed to keep getting easier, right up until one year it randomly hit me all over again, out of the blue.” He shrugged. “It happens. Though, I think this past Christmas was the worst of all. Of course, it didn't help that I was sick, and that Theo and I were…well…you know. Being all awkward. It was like that feeling of being lonely and unwanted came back in full force.”

Adam frowned. “Shit. Is that it?” He looked up, studying Haven's eyes as he thought it through. “Is having John back in my life making it worse?”

Haven gave a tiny shrug. “Possibly. He was a big part of everything that happened back then, right?”

“Damn it,” Adam sighed, letting his head fall back. He bumped the cabinet handle again and bit off a curse. “Fuck!”

Haven cringed in sympathy. “Come on. Let's go sit on the couch. The floor's too hard, anyway.” He got up to his feet and held out a hand for Adam. “This is the part where you laugh and say,'There's no such thing astoo hard.'”

Adam silently took Haven's hand and stood up.

“Okay, now you're scaring me,” Haven said, staring at him with wide eyes.

Adam sighed, feeling his whole body sag with defeat as he trudged off to the living room. “See, that's what I mean. Like it's happening all over again.” He sank heavily onto the couch. “You didn't know me back then. I wasmiserable. I don't think I ever laughed unless I was buzzed. And then I'd feel guilty for laughing and wind up drinking more.”

Haven sat down beside him, pulling his knees up to his chest and hugging them loosely. “I think your dad would want you to be happy and enjoy your life. From everything you've told me about him, I know he must have loved you a lot.”

Adam looked down at his hands. “I know,” he mumbled. “But it still felt wrong.”

“But it got easier,” Haven said, his tone almost making the words a question.

Adam winced. “Sort of.” He grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it to his chest. “I mean, time, yeah. But I also realized I was bringing down the people around me, so I started faking it. Pretending to be happy.” He shrugged. “Some days were easier than others. Some days, I didn't even have to pretend.” Adam barked out a bittersweet laugh. “That's half the reason I even bothered to get a job,” he admitted. “For the practice. Otherwise, I'd just sit around at home and mope all the time.”

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