Page 46 of No Rhyme or Riesling
John slowly nodded, his body tensing, like he was bracing himself for another one of Adam's emotional outbursts. He opened his mouth to say something, but Adam beat him to it.
“You're here,” Adam said.
John frowned, looking confused. “Yeah.”
Adam set down his mug and crossed his arms, almost hugging himself. “You actually stayed the night.”
“I did,” John murmured.
Adam studied him for a moment. “You didn't sleep well, though, did you?”
John hesitated, looking like he was going to hedge his answer, then sighed heavily and shook his head. “No. No, I didn't.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It was hard, lying there beside you, feeling like that urn was staring at me all night long.” John took a deep breath and straightened up, forcibly squaring his shoulders. “But it doesn't matter. If you need me here, I'll be here. Every night, if I have to.”
“John–”
John took his hands. “This ismyfault. I should have done something about this six months ago, but we were so happy, so lost in our joy of finally being together that I thought, hey, it canwait. Maybe it would all work out on its own. But deep down, I knew better. I just wasn't ready to face it.” He squeezed Adam's fingers. “But we are going to get through this. Whatever it takes.”
Adam slowly nodded as some of those strange feelings began to take clear shape in his head. “Then I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything,” John swore after the tiniest hesitation. Despite the dark circles under his eyes, he looked alert and attentive and ready to do whatever Adam asked of him.
So Adam took a deep breath and admitted, “I need you tomakeme.” When John frowned in confusion again, Adam added, “You know, get rid of Dad's stuff.” He paused. “Call a surgeon. I need you tomakeme get over it.” Adam tightened his grip on John's hands. “Yesterday, when you had me strip and get in the shower, I felt so embarrassed and humiliated and afraid of you seeing me, but I realize now that I also felt so fucking grateful. Because you took all the decisions out of my hands and made me do what I needed to do. I knew I needed that shower and that I needed to sober up, but I would never have been able to do it on my own. And I think, between that and the fact that you're here—that you actually stayed, even knowing how hard that was for you—I think that's why I feel so at peace right now when I should be falling completely apart. Even more so than yesterday.”
“You did it on your own before. Packing up the house. Uprooting your life–”
Adam barked a laugh. “Oh, hell, no. I pretty much did whatever my dad's lawyer told me to do. That's the only way I got through it back then. But you? You're a thousand times better at it. Your–” He let go with one hand and waved it around while he tried to find the right words. “Your…whole…you. Shit. I don't even know. Your voice or stance or whatever the hell it is thatgets right under my skin and makes me hungry to obey. I need that. I needyou.”
John pulled him into his arms. “You've got me, baby. Da–” John coughed. “I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere”
Adam winced, clinging to John. A part of him wanted to say that he needed John to make him use theD-word, too, but he wasn't ready for that. Such a small thing, but it would still be too much.
Especially today.
But the rest? He knew it was time to start letting things go. Past time. So long as it was John telling him to haul all his dad's stuff out to the curb, Adam knew he could survive it.
John bent down and gave him a kiss, then said, “First things first.” He pushed Adam's coffee mug back into his hands. “Coffee. And breakfast. Then we'll do the dishes.Thenwe can make a plan.”
Adam nodded obediently, feeling that calm sensation creeping out to his fingertips, like tension was slowly leaving his body, allowing the peacefulness to radiate outward from his core. He sat down and drank his coffee, then ate the breakfast that John put in front of him. When they were done, he immediately got up and started on the dishes. With John there, both helping and watching, it was so easy for Adam to scrutinize the space, making sure he didn't miss anything. To focus on that one task to the exclusion of all else.
When they were done, John took Adam's hand and led him to the bedroom at the end of the hall.
Adam stood in the doorway for a long while, staring at all of his dad's things. There was more in his own bedroom, of course. And the living room. And the kitchen.Hell. Dad's stuff was all over the apartment. But this was the bulk of it, all sitting there, hidden away for years. The stuff he didn't know what to do with.
There was his dad's old record player. And the easy chair. Boxes full of his dad's books, which Adam had always found boring as hell. While Adam had been reading romance novels as a teenager, Dad collected whole shelves full of books on business, marketing, economics, history, and all the other bland subjects that Adam happily left behind when he finished high school. But he loved the memories of his dad sitting in that easy chair, listening to a record on that record player, reading one of those books while sipping his nightly scotch.
“Shit,” Adam gasped. He backed up, running right into John. “I don't know if I can do this.”
He waited, fully expecting John to bite off an order. To make him start throwing things out. Instead, John grabbed him gently by the shoulders and turned him away from the room, pulling the door shut behind them to block out the sight of all that mess.
“Then we'll start the way I did,” John said simply, like it was the easiest thing in the world. He steered Adam towards the middle of the apartment and let go. “Pick something of your own first.”
Adam whirled around as a puzzled frown took over his face. “Huh?”
“When I was clearing out my folks' house after they died,” John explained, “I had a hard time letting go of their stuff at first, too. But I knew it needed to be done if I was ever going to sell the house. It was too much house for me, and Pete already had a place that he and his wife loved,” he went on, naming his younger brother. “I had no choice but to downsize. So I started with my own stuff. Got rid of anything I didn't need or want, and once I got into that rhythm, it made it easier to assess my folks' things and let them go.”
Adam scanned apartment. “How?”
John wrapped his arms around Adam from behind and rested his chin on Adam's shoulder as he slowly turned them ina circle. “Start small. Pick one drawer or one cupboard. Just one. Then look through all the things in that spot. If there's anything in there that you haven't used in, let's say, six months or a year, and that doesn't have any sentimental value attached to it, set it on the counter there.” John pointed to the peninsula in the kitchen.
