Page 43 of If You Loved Me

I was home and I wasn’t in jail anymore. I’d gotten out. My sister was here and I had Miles too. I was okay.

“Fuck.” I scraped a hand over my face before I untangled my legs from the sheets and slipped out of bed.

Moonlight spilled across the wood floor. I looked through the window and guessed it was probably around one o’clock in the morning by the location of the moon.

It had been a while since a nightmare haunted my sleep. When I first got out, it was almost a nightly occurrence. Wrenching myself free from that cell had been hard enough in real life. It was even harder in my dreams when I was confronted with my worst fears.

I switched my boxer shorts for another pair and tugged on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt before heading out to the back deck.

There was no way in hell I was getting any more sleep tonight. Not when the image of Callie Rose’s body misting away was still planted firmly in my mind.

I found my heavy winter coat hanging on the coat rack downstairs and slipped on my boots before I opened the door to the back deck. My breath fogged the air in front of me on the first step out. To my right, Callie Rose was bundled up ina quilted blanket, sitting in one of the Adirondack chairs around the firepit. Embers glowed as smoke billowed toward the open night sky.

“Couldn’t sleep?” I asked, sitting in the chair next to her.

“Not tonight.” She took a sip from her steaming mug. It was probably hot cocoa if the mound of whipped cream was any sign.

“Did you have another nightmare?” she asked.

I stared into the bright flames as they flickered and danced about. “Yeah. It’s been a while since the last one. Tonight kind of hit me by surprise.”

She shot me a look that said she knew exactly why I’d had a bad dream. I chose to ignore her.

“Tell me about it.”

I took in a deep breath and watched the air cloud in front of me as I let it loose. “It’s not really something I want my little sister thinking about. Especially when she has troubles of her own.”

She snorted. “Are you going to treat me like a child forever?”

I laughed. “Being a child isn’t a bad thing.” It was simpler. Easier. I often wished I could harness some of the childlike wonder I had about the world and let it wash away all the fear I experienced now.

“We share. It’s what we’ve always done, Ranger.” The fire reflected in her eyes. Such a stark contrast to the vision of her in my nightmare. Lifeless. Dull.

What she said was true though. Losing our parents hadforced us to become close. We’d been one another’s confidants.

Things had shifted when I came back from prison. There was a part of me that had missed out on so many years. My wrong-doings had prevented her from having the big brother she deserved. So, I’d kept my demons to myself. Not letting her see the bruises hiding beneath the surface. But she did see. Even when I didn’t want her to.

And maybe that was the power of love. It doesn’t matter how hard we try to hide. Love exposes us to the ones who care. The ones who are willing to look beyond the facade.

“It was a different version of the same one I used to have. I was locked in a cell without bars. There was only one door and Miles turned his back on me and left. Then you…” I swallowed against the knot in my throat. “Then you appeared and told me I was going to die alone. That I’d be stuck in there forever.”

“Fuck,” she hissed. “Why do our brains torture us?”

I settled my right ankle over my left knee and sat back in the chair, looking up at the endless cascade of stars. “I’m not sure. All I know is that mine is a relentless fucker that doesn’t know how to turn off.”

That earned me a laugh. “Did the walls cave in on you this time?”

“Every. Fucking. Time.”

“Maybe we can get brain transplants or something. You know?” She sat up and turned towards me, eyes bright with mischief.

“A brain transplant?” I deadpanned. “Then we wouldn’t be who we are.”

“No. It would totally work. Our brains aren’tus. They’re the weird organ machine that controls everything.”

I chuckled. “I think you’ve lost a little too much sleep, sis.”

With an oomph, she sat back in her chair and stuck out her bottom lip. “You just crushed my dream of getting a new brain that’s not fucked up. I thought I’d solved all our problems and there you go, ruining everything.”

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