Page 14 of Nothing to Fear

“I wasn’t raped or beaten to within an inch of my life.” She took a calming breath. “Do you ever get lonely?”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“Not like a one off, like… it’s not sadness, it’s… a disconnect. All my life, I’ve never belonged anywhere. And when things happen, like this, it puts more distance between me and the rest of the world. Sometimes it’s like I’m drifting in zero gravity, unable to get hold of anything to steady myself or gain control.”

“If you want to work with a professional in person, we can refer you. Lighting Darkness also has funds that can be released—”

“Thank you, no,” she said. “I shouldn’t have called again, others deserve your attention. I only wanted to apologize for last night and—”

“Anna,” he said. “I want to talk to you.” He did? “I want you to call.” Maybe that was his training again. “You have a bad habit of putting others ahead of yourself. Recognize your value.”

“I value myself, I’m all I have. I just… These things land on a spectrum. I haven’t seen war or murder, I was held hostage, that’s it.”

“Held hostage? You say that like it’s nothing.”

“It was at work. I was alone, doing overnight inventory. I don’t know how he got in or where he came from. The cops talked about it after, I didn’t take any of it in. Already it’s like it didn’t happen.”

“You’re disassociating.”

“What I went through, that night, it brought a lot back. From childhood when we’d have nowhere, sometimes we were in shelters, barely able to feed ourselves. At school, we didn’t have time to forge relationships because we’d only up and move again when my mom got dumped by boyfriend number three hundred and fifty-eight. Only as an adult can I appreciate that other people’s lives are not so transient. Standing in that room, with him, following his instructions like I would my mother’s, it hit me…”

“What hit you?”

“No one would notice. If it hadn’t happened in a place with cameras, somewhere people worked and so had to enter, no one would’ve noticed me missing at all. No one would notice if I died or disappeared.” When no words followed, she dropped onto her back on the couch. “See, I told you, I should’ve called Whiner’s Anonymous.”

“I don’t think you’re whining, I think it’s incredibly sad.”

“Pathetic, yes, I know.”

“No, not that kind of sad. I mean it’s such a waste. You have an energy, in your voice, I can hear it. Don’t sell yourself short. Today, you accomplished something with the bake-off.”

“Yeah, accomplished embarrassing myself and my team in front of the family who own our workplace. Something happens, something just clicks, and I’m a walking disaster. There was this guy that I… God, I made a complete idiot of myself. At one point, I really thought I might kiss him. Just completely randomly I wanted to… What kind of a person does that? Fantasizes about being bent over and fucked by a stranger.” Silence. “Sorry, too far.”

Okay the thought at the time was kissing. Daydreaming later fleshed out all those carnal details.

“He had an effect on you.”

“He was hot. I told him it was because he was hot. It’s abandon, you know? So much that could be and so much that never will.”

“Never say never.”

“I doubt I’ll ever see him again. If he has any sense, he’ll stay far, far away. Men like that are propositioned every day, I’d never be secure. I learned my lesson on that. With Jeremy, I was oblivious, and his family aren’t worth a fraction of what this guy’s is. Some say with money comes security. Yes, that’s true. But arrogance and entitlement come with it too.”

“You can’t tar everyone with the same brush. People are individuals.”

“I know. You’re right. That wasn’t fair. It doesn’t matter, I guess. I could never satisfy a man like that. If I wasn’t enough for Jeremy, there’s no reason to think any man would be happy with me.”

“What about your happiness? What would that look like?”

“I love my job… it’s naughty and nice. The detail, the fabric, talking to people. You’d be amazed what people tell their lingerie retailers. And Breckenridge Intimates isn’t like a seedy sex shop. It’s high-class. We do weddings, anniversaries, events in people’s lives, their most intimate moments. And we do parties and—” she exhaled a laugh. “Sorry, you’ll think I’m trying to upsell you.”

“I have no problem talking about lingerie.”

She laughed. “Your wife might object to that.”

“What I do is important,” he said, “Lighting Darkness leads us down various roads.”

“Do you talk to her about it? Your discussions? She must ease your burden.”

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