Page 27 of Nothing to Fear

“I’m sorry I talked about sex.”

“You can talk about anything you want to talk about. Didn’t I say that already?”

“I want to talk about you.” Another silence, only this one wasn’t tense, just expectant. “Do you like sex?”

“I do.”

“Do you think it can be like the movies?”

“Movies are fake,” he said. “Scenes are set up, choreographed. I prefer something more spontaneous, something more tailored to me and my partner’s wants.”

“So much of life is about sex, isn’t it? It’s on the TV, in the books we read, on billboards, talked about in the break room, the doctor’s office. It’s a part of our everyday lives, even when we’re not getting any.”

“Do you feel that would help? Getting a release with a partner?”

“It’s my own fault.”

“What?”

“That I can’t come with a guy.”

“Something Jeremy told you?”

“No, because I’ve never told anyone about Jimmy, about what happened between us at that house. I don’t trust people; I don’t talk to people. How can I truly give myself to a relationship or a moment, if I can’t trust the man I’m with?”

“That’s a good point,” he said. “Sex is better with intimacy and that’s a lot more than the physical. But I don’t think that difficulty translates to any fault on your part.”

“You have to say that.”

“I don’t have to say anything,” he said, a laugh in his voice. “I can hang up any time too.”

True. “I hadn’t considered that.”

“I have no intention of doing it.”

“You’re not paid to be there,” she said, curiosity about him growing. “Why do you do it? Why give your time like this? You don’t know me, you don’t get anything out of this. Are you paying a penance?”

“Guilt? You think the only reason one person would help another is if they get something from the deal?”

“I think I’m one of many people you work with on this line.” Her mind drifted deeper. “The stories you must hear… How do you keep it from traumatizing you?”

“I’m here for the long haul. I have clients I’ve spoken to for years. Hearing someone else’s experience is nothing to them going through it.” He cleared his throat. “And I have a strong support network. I’d never break a confidence, but if I need a break or someone to keep my mind off it, my family are always there for me.”

“I can’t even remember the last time I talked to my mother.”

“You’re not in regular contact?”

“Unless she needs money, not really. We tried to do the holiday thing a couple of times, but it was a joke really. It’s hypocrisy in obligation. Just because we share blood doesn’t mean we share values or ambition.”

“What is the difference between you?”

Licking her lips, she didn’t have a good answer for that one. “Just like I said with guys and sex, it’s as much my fault as theirs. I’ve never spent any time digging into my mother’s pathology. I’ve never got to know my sisters, especially as adults. We’re blood, but strangers. To love someone, you have to know them. You have to show your love in what you do, not just say the words.”

“True.”

“I could spend that time.”

“Why don’t you?”

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