Page 48 of Nothing to Fear

“You’re doing it again, selling yourself short.”

“I strive to be better, I do. I think we all do, in some way. Fate just doesn’t… she doesn’t embrace some as much as others. Not that I’m blaming her for anything. The signs that are outthere, we can misread them. Even when she’s showing us the way, sometimes we miss it.”

“You think fate is showing you the way? What did she show you tonight?”

“Good people do exist. There is hope for the future.”

“It’s nice to hear you’re feeling positive.”

And if she was in such a good mood, why did she call?

“I think about you too much,” she admitted, stroking her abdomen. “Because when I think about you, I’m not thinking about him.”

“I’m here for whatever you need,” he said. “Are you worried about sleeping tonight?”

“I’m worried I’ll never be like them, those kind, dynamic people. That I’ll never get over this and be in a place in my life where I can really help others and feel secure in my own life.” And maybe it was just slightly more than ridiculous that, at her age, she was crushing on a faceless voice. “Why am I such a mess?”

“Because you don’t face it. You hide from it.”

Was that true? “When I turned around and he was there, I said nothing. Couldn’t think of anything to say. I just stood there.”

“Fight, flight, or freeze is a perfectly normal response.”

Alice Breckenridge wouldn’t freeze. Neither would Roxanna Kyst.

“He asked me my name. I told him. Somehow, just going along with what he asked was easier than putting up a fight. Why didn’t I fight?”

“You said he had a weapon. If you tried to run or rush him, he may have used it.”

“It felt so ridiculous afterwards telling the cops that when he told me I was sexy, I said, thank you.”

“It’s an automatic response.”

“Yes, so I thought too. I went along with it like it was a photo shoot or a lingerie party… Except… instead of changing in private…” She left that to linger. “I can’t let this take over my life.”

“Facing what happened doesn’t mean it’s taking over your life. Process it. Don’t rush yourself. Do you have anyone in your life you’d trust to listen?”

“In my real life?” How sad was she? “No.” Goddamn and it didn’t make sense. “How can I talk to you about it and not talk to anyone at work? Not talk to a professional therapist?” Not that she’d be able to afford it. “I couldn’t talk to Jeremy about it. My ex. The cops called him to come get me that night and he said he had an early day.”

“He didn’t come to you?”

Though his disgust was obvious, she couldn’t feel the same. “It didn’t matter. What could he have done anyway? He said the next day, he hadn’t understood what happened. He hadn’t realized it was a big deal. The cop didn’t tell him—”

“It was a big deal.”

“I don’t know if he thought so, which made it so much worse. When I did think about it… I didn’t want to be intimate with him, be naked in front of him, of anyone. I think he got tired of it, of the drama, he called it.”

“Which is why you struggle to talk about it now. You see that, don’t you? His response, the way he reacted, diminished what you went through. It minimized your justified feelings. You struggle now to see that your responses are perfectly reasonable.”

“How can you see that as a complete stranger, but my own boyfriend couldn’t? Did he ever love me?”

Maybe that’s really why she obsessed with Jacob. This voice on the line told her she was allowed to feel what she felt, that there was truth and trauma to what she endured.

“He wasn’t the right man for you, you’ll find someone who does understand, who does let you feel that experience and process every aspect of your life, positive or negative.”

“You said you weren’t married, but never told me if you have someone to share your life with?”

“Maybe,” he said. “She’s a complicated woman.”

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