Page 90 of Citrine

The reason I don't eat animals in the first place is because I want to be impartial to all living beings and I don't like discrimination against species. I didn't want to put myself on a pedestal with the little power I have.

I don't want to be like that monster, my stepfather. Asserting my control, just because I can.

I let out a breath through my nose, clearing it of water.

This isn't the same. I can't survive on plants anymore. I didn't terrorize that poor fish, I just did what I had to do to live. Just like it probably did when it ate something smaller than it.

I look at him and think of it from his point of view. His whole life is about survival, and now I am this burden he never wanted, but can't seem to give up.

He wants me to live, as crazy as that seems based on our first interactions.

He cocks his head, still staring at me. There's nothing in his eyes but his curiosity.

I've been pissed off, but it isn't logical that he's the cause of what is happening to me. He tells me exactly what he thinks, even if I hate it.

He genuinely doesn't know what is happening and is just trying to help me.

That said, the man needs to work on his empathy.

"Wroahk, what would happen if you were to suddenly lose your gills?"

"Why would that happen?"

"Just… imagine. I grew gills, so it is possible for you to lose them. What would happen then?"

"I would not be able to breathe inside the water, so I would need to leave it. Then I would likely dry up and die."

"Yes. You need to exist inside the water, or you will die. Now, what if you lost your fins and your tentacles?"

His expression changes and I see confusion intermingling with disgust. I watch him slowly reach a conclusion.

"I would become weak, useless, and die."

"Yes, you finally get it. I didn't die, but it feels like I am. If I took everything that made you, well, you, it would take away your identity and everything you have learned, everything you became, all the time you've lived, everything would disappear. Part of you would die."

"…are you dead?" he asks, his voice oddly quiet.

"I am dying, in a way, Wroahk. Everything that makes me who I am is going away and I'm going to become something I don't recognize. I don't want that. It's why I am resisting, even though I know I can't."

"You are still in front of me. Not dead. I cannot let you die, but I see now what you mean that a part of you already has."

He is becoming more emotional, and ironically, more human.

The detachedness he used to have is gone. I don't think even he realizes he has changed. I have changed as well. Not just physically, but I'm changing from within. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to be someone else.

I'm becoming more forceful. Violent even. Earth Eli would have had a panic attack just thinking about making him mad, but instead, I am fighting him any chance I can get.

It should terrify me, it has since I was a teen, but not anymore. It feels good. I feel more powerful than I ever have.

Which is crazy, since he's the most vicious person I have ever met. He could kill me with just the tip of one tentacle.

Except he won't. I know it. There is this surety with him I haven't felt since I was safe with mypadre. That I could do or say anything, and he will just stay here with me.

Even if he doesn't understand why he stays, he will never leave.

It's funny because after mypadredied, I used to think about death and reincarnation a lot. I spent a lot of time staring into people's eyes, wishing I could see a glimmer of the pure soul that filled everything.

I used to think he'd become a dog or a cat and would continue to watch over me like that. They were just rambling thoughts of a hurt child.

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