Page 41 of Citrine

I make my way back to the trunk of the tree and begin eating as the sun shines down on me.

My body screams at me to eat more, but until I know how I'll react, it's not a good idea.

After eating, I drift off to sleep, feeling my head grow heavier and heavier until I lose consciousness.

My eyelids feel like lead. They become heavier as I try to open them, and my body feels like it's floating. I barely filled my stomach and drift off to sleep despite myself.

When I wake up a short while later, there are the remnants of the plants I fed myself earlier. Seems like they didn't have a negative effect on me, so I eat all of it.

The taste is foreign and discomfiting, but I keep eating until they run out. I'm still hungry.

I sit up, feeling a dull ache in my back. Sleeping against a tree on the ground is terrible. It's been a while since I've experienced this level of discomfort, but it never really gets better. I suppose a layer of leaves is better than dirty concrete.

There's also the rising panic and anxiety that extends beyond being here. It's been too long since I've talked to someone.

I have never gone this long without talking to people.

A feeling of panic settles in the pit of my stomach when I realize I really am the only human here. I've never truly been alone, even when I was homeless. There are plenty of other people who were in the same situation, many of them incredibly caring individuals.

A lot of my pitiful earnings go toward visiting them and taking them things I know they like.

Talking with people is something I enjoy doing, must do, but here, the chance of that is slim.

Well, the option so far is one alien… person? Yes, I suppose, regardless of his terrible manners, he's still a person.

Just the thought of him makes my skin crawl and memories of my stepfather rise up, stealing my breath. Both of them predators of their own sort. Both of them angry.

But then my mind rejects the comparison. Octo-man is angry, true. He's the scariest person I have ever met, but that anger somehow lacks… menace. At least toward me.

A part of me knows that he is interacting with me in a way that runs counter to his nature. I think back to him screaming out his confusion after he protected me. Then it hits me. He's angry with himself more than he is with me.

Except, isn't that how it is with any abuser? They hate themselves, but can't direct that hatred inwardly, so they find a victim for it?

I shiver. He's already blamed me for it. I remember now. The usual prickle of fear rises when I think of someone being angry. My head feels light and my heart pounds.

Flashes of my stepfather's twisted features, and the emotional barbs, or the physical pain that always followed, flit through my head.

My shaking hands catch my attention. Am I really doomed to live like this no matter where I go?

I can't accept that. If I had someone to talk to, I could distract myself from the looming fear of doom that lives in my head constantly.

Surely there are other people here. I need to look for them, but how am I going to manage it with him always blocking me? Would he kill them if I found them?

My heart constricts. I don't know. He's said plenty of times he would kill me and he hasn't, but I can't say for sure that threat won't apply to someone else.

I could be bringing death along with me if I look for other people. My fists tighten and the desire to strangle him is as high as it has ever been.

Before I look for others, I need to tame him. I let out a snort.

Tame a violent octo-man with no form of gentleness in him?Right, Eli…

Except, is it true that he can't be caring?

He keeps saying he plans to kill me but doesn't. I assume he's only trying to convince himself by this point. Maybe if I can convince him that the way he feels isn't my fault, his anger will dissipate.

Abusers never truly help the people they are abusing, it's only to manipulate them. To get what they want. I just need to figure out what he's after. What motivates him…

I mean, it never worked on my stepfather, but I refuse to believe I am stuck in the same hell.

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