Page 105 of The Breakaway

I stayedwith Rob for a week before moving in with Lily. The guys were more than accommodating, especially with private washroom time, but when Lily mentioned her roommate had left over the holidays, it was an opportunity too good to pass up.

Rob needed his bed back, and as much as I loved spooning him in a twin, we both needed to catch up on some sleep. Plus, it was getting harder not to push our relationship into high gear, and I still wondered if I was ready.

All conventional wisdom pointed to not jumping into another relationship the second after ending a long-term commitment. I couldn’t get my brain or my body to buy in. Every time I was with Rob, I wanted to continue being with Rob. But maybe that was what set off alarm bells.

It wasn’t until Logan left for those two months that I realized I had been drowning. I didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

I gave myself a few days to settle in at Lily’s before I was itching to get the rest of my stuff from Logan’s. I felt guilty leaving him with the full rent payment even though I’d alreadypaid my portion for January, so I waited until the Outlaws had practice to go back to the house.

The walk back was surreal, like I was moving through a dream. I unlocked the front door and stepped inside, setting down my broken-down boxes and canvas bags. It looked exactly the same since everything in there was Logan’s to begin with. Somehow, this was both comforting and devastating. How had I spent six months of my life here without noticing I hadn’t made a mark?

Logan’s room looked almost the same, minus the few things I’d taken when I left. I didn’t take long to look at it, just folded out a box and started packing.

I stacked my books first, then my pens and stationery. Old letters and stamps. I reached for my clothes next, pulling them off hangers and out of drawers, tossing them in. I didn’t bother folding them since I’d just be taking them out an hour from now.

I moved to my nightstand and grabbed my headphones and walkman, the cord tangling around my fingers. I’d missed that little guy over the past week.

I had just barely set it on top of my clothes when I heard it. The front door opening.

I froze, my heart pounding. Who the hell was here? Logan should be at practice. Did he have a new roommate? A new girlfriend? I scanned the room. Had I missed someone else’s stuff?

The footsteps drew closer, and my shoulders tensed. I recognized them.

Logan appeared in the doorway, dressed in his hockey base layer and his puffy coat. “Hey.”

I half expected him to be pissed that I was there without his permission, but he wasn’t. I exhaled, still kneeling on the floor. "Hey."

He shifted on his feet. "I heard you were grabbing your things."

I wanted to ask who'd told him, but I didn’t need to. Besides Lily and Caleb, I’d only informed one other person where I was going this afternoon. “Rob told you?”

Logan nodded, running his hand over the back of his neck. “Don’t give him shit. I told him I wanted to talk to you.”

I turned back to my packing, my hands trembling as I pulled my underwear from the drawer, shoving it in one of the bags fast enough, I hoped he didn’t notice what it was.

Logan watched me. I grabbed a hoodie from my chair and shoved it in the box, then reached for my hairbrush on the dresser. Logan took a step forward, and I turned to face him, my heart thudding in my chest.

He looked at me, his jaw tense. "I wanted to apologize."

My throat tightened. I forced a smile. "Okay."

Logan’s throat worked. "I’m sorry for what I did. Over in Europe. I know it was shitty, and I shouldn’t have tried to defend it.”

I nodded once. “Thank you.” It felt surprisingly good to hear him say it.

He blew out a breath. “I think it’s more than that, though.”

My breathing was shallow. I wasn’t sure where he was going next.

Logan looked up, his hair falling over his forehead. “I didn't know how to love you." His voice was low, almost a whisper.

I met his gaze. He took a step forward, then stopped, his hand dropping to his side. "I didn't know how to love you because I don't know how to love anything other than hockey. And maybe myself.” He dropped his eyes, his hands clenching and unclenching. "I don't know how to be with someone and give a hundred percent to that. I was using you as a support person or something."

Relief rolled through me.Yes.That was exactly it. I wasn’t crazy for feeling like my full-time job was helping him, pushing him, encouraging him. I spent so much time thinking about how to lower his stress levels, I didn’t know what to do with myself when he left.

A tear slipped down my cheek, and the tortured expression on his face activated that old knee-jerk reaction. I wanted to reach out, to hold him and make it better. But that wasn’t my job anymore. "Logan, I?—"

He shook his head, his eyes glistening. "I know. I know it's not enough. But I needed you to know that it wasn't because I didn't care. It wasn't because I didn't want you." He let out a low laugh, running his hands through his hair. “But I’m not proud of that either.”

---