Page 35 of The Breakaway

I stretchedout on Maddie's bed, trying not to take up too much space. She’d been kind enough to drive me home to pick up my toiletries, my violin, and my music so I wouldn’t have to go home until Sunday night.

"Are you a messy sleeper?" Maddie hopped in next to me, flicking off her lamp and pulling the covers over herself. Her sheets were soft cotton. Clean and crisp despite the fact that she didn’t know she’d be having company.

"Messy? I don't pee the bed, if that's what you're wondering."

Maddie laughed. "No. I mean, are the covers all messed up and twisted when you wake up?"

I shook my head. "Nope. It pretty much looks the same as when I went to bed, besides a body imprint on the mattress."

Maddie turned to face me, propping her head on her hand. She paused for a moment, then said, "I told you, you can stay here as long as you want."

"You offered before you even knew if I was going to kick you in the middle of the night."

She sighed. "That's true friendship right there." She dropped her head on the pillow. "Are you going to tell me what prompted this?"

I chewed on my lower lip. "I thought it would be a good weekend for a sleepover." I knew that wasn’t going to cut it, but any other explanation wouldn’t move from my brain to my lips.Oh, well, I’ve been wanting to touch Rob’s abs lately, so I thought it was time for a break.

Maddie raised an eyebrow. "Did something happen with Rob?"

I blew out a breath and tucked my hand behind my head. "No.”Yes. Absolutely, yes.“I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm just really missing Logan." I stared up at the ceiling, at the thin stripes of light pushing through the blinds on her window.

"Okay, let's break that down. Are you missing talking with Logan, being with Logan . . . or are you just missing sex with Logan?"

I laughed out loud. Had Maddie just asked that? Sex wasn’t a taboo topic in our trio, but it was typically Crystal who brought it up. "All of the above?" It was what I was supposed to say. Part of it was true. I did miss those things, but being without him was making me more and more aware that there may be a dark underbelly to each point that I didn't want to face.

Did I miss being with Logan, or did I miss him wanting to be with me? Did I miss talking with Logan, or did I miss him needing to talk with me? Did I miss sex with Logan, or did I miss the way he looked at me? The way he desired me? How sure he was that I would be the one to make him feel good?

My heart started to race, a pit opening up inside of me.

"How is sex with Logan?" Maddie's voice was softer, more tentative.

I turned to face her, even though I could barely see the outline of her curls in the dark. "What do you mean?"

She let out a breath. "Okay, I know we joke about sex all the time, but honestly, I don't get what all the fuss is about."

My ears perked up. Talking about Maddie’s sex life sounded like way more fun than anything swirling in my brain at the moment. "Tell me more."

Maddie gave a nervous laugh. "You know I dated that guy, Colin? Right before you and Logan got together?"

"Yeah, I remember.” How could I not remember? Maddie told us that he was her first. "You said it was great. I remember being a little bit jealous."

Maddie groaned. "It wasnotgreat. At least, not what I think ‘great’ is supposed to be." She rolled onto her back, dropping her hands next to her sides. "How are we even supposed to know what great is? I mean, I read a few articles in Cosmopolitan and all of those women sounded like they freaking loved it. That it was the best experience of their lives. They listed all those hot things their boyfriends like to do?—”

"Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure we read the same article.”

“Well, that is not what Colin did."

I pushed up, propping myself on my arm. “Umm, what did he do?”

“Like—” she paused, searching for the words. “I don’t know, thirty seconds of thrusting?”

I groaned and fell back to the bed. “Yikes.”

“That’s not what it’s supposed to be, right?” Maddie sounded so hopeful it made my heart hurt.

“Definitely not.”

Maddie shifted to her side. "You don't have to tell me what Logan does if you don't want to. But I'm just wondering what I should say next time. How do you even bring that up? For me and Colin, there was, like, no talking. He just did his thing."

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