Page 26 of With Wine Comes War

“Alex, what are you talking about, a black cloud?”Black cloud, number thirteen, black cat crossing your path…the list goes on, take your pick.I sank back farther into the pillows on the sofa as I took another long sip of wine before I really started to recount it for him.

“Seriously, look at the devastation that followed me just by running out of gas, and then the altercation at the bar with T..t..tanner that turned into my worst nightmare. For God’s sake it killed my m..m..mother.”

Pull it together girl. Just a little bit longer and you can pass out.

“Alex, none of that was your fault.” His voice was calmer and soothing now, like a warm embrace that I found so safe. Shake it off, this thing with Roman is over. “Were they unfortunate turns of events, yes, but you couldn’t control any of that.” Why can’t he just be mad at me and leave me alone? Now I’m sobbing along with the tears, and I know he can hear it. Control of the conversation was officially over. The wine was now in charge.

“I know deep down somewhere you’re right, but I can’t convince my head. My heart is so broken I don’t feel like I deserve anything good. I feel like if something good comes into my life it’s going to get taken away because I’m not supposed to have it.” I’m so drunk now I just want this to end so I can go to sleep. This was not what I had planned. I just wanted to see if I could get Darius a job.

“Please listen to me,” he said.

I don’t want to listen. I pulled my night shirt up over my face to dry the tears but the loud wailing noise I was making was hardly muffled.

“I will do whatever it takes to fix this. I still love you Alex, and I know you feel the same way. You need to figure out how to get past whatever it is that happened.”

Oh my god, why is he saying that? How could he still feel like that about me?I don’t understand. I was in my own personal hell that I bestowed upon myself, but it was the only thing I knew right now. The pain was the only thing that was keeping me focused on Tanner and I didn’t want to get distracted. Plus, I didn’t want to hurt Roman again.

“Roman, I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll see you when Amelia sets up the meeting time, alright?”Please just say okay.

“Alex, please, let’s just have the meeting right now. Whatever the favor is, just ask

me.”

This has been one of the hardest conversations I’ve had in the past three weeks, and I needed it to end. “No. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I was only asking this one more time before I simply hung up.

“Fine,” he mumbled painfully, and we hung up. I finished my glass of wine and went to my room and cried my drunk ass to sleep.

***

ROMAN

I felt like throwing the phone across the room. I didn't know what to do.How do I get through to her?I began pacing the floor like a lunatic. Fuck, maybe I am going to have to stalk her. I put the phone down before I really did throw it across the room. I grabbed my hair in frustration. “AHHH!

She sounded drunk. I hope she’s not hanging out in bars again. I mean, it seems like she’s just started seeing people again. I sat down on the sofa and fell back with my hands over my face and groaned.

“I wonder if she still goes running on the weekends,” I thought out loud as I mentally devised a ridiculous plan to show up on one of her runs. She doesn’t own the path or the coffee shop. Let the stalking begin. I better not tell my mom that the emails led to stalking after all. She’d probably kill me.

I’m glad I at least got her to talk that much, though. I wish she would start talking to my mom again. That seemed to have helpedher. I was worried something like this could happen and I feel bad that she’s not talking to her because of me. Maybe I’ll just send her a quick text to let her know my mom is still available to talk. I sat up and grabbed my phone, swiping it open to our text thread. I doubt she’s going to get the message tonight but hopefully this will help with the awkwardness of our meeting tomorrow after this monumental fuck up of a phone call tonight.

ROMAN: “Alex, I’m sorry for earlier. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want you to know my mom is still there for you to talk to. I know she helped you and you both had a great connection. I promise I won’t interfere, and she’s never told me anything other than to leave you alone. If she knew how much I’ve pushed you lately, she’d kick my ass. Sleep well. Love, Roman.”

I took a deep breath and hit send.

I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and popped some Advil. I leaned against the counter staring at my phone thinking about all these plans I had for my life. I had written a five- year plan that I kept in the nightstand next to the bed. Occasionally I would take it out and read it to refresh my memory and stay the course. I was going to have an amazing business, a beautiful wife and kids and live in a nice house with a yard and a dog. It was going to be perfect and drama free. I know that’s not God’s plan when I can hear him laughing at me through every text and email Alex sends. I’ll read it before I go to sleep tonight.

Chapter 7

ROMAN

Iwoke up with thoughts of a future I couldn’t see anymore. I pushed the covers off rather forcefully and went into my closet to throw on some workout clothes. Time to go to the gym and see if I can turn this obsessiveness over her into something productive.

She’s right, the pool is like therapy. The water is so still and quiet you can really think clearly inhere.

Here’s a question that needs answering,“Why would I be following all of Alex’s workouts that she does to quiet her mind when it’s clearly not doing her any good”I hoisted myself out of the pool and sat on the side massaging the knot out of my calf. What’s it helping her with, seriously?

I lowered myself into the hot water of the hot tub and turned the jets on. The heat from the water was relaxing, and I needed to focus on work and not losing it on her in our meeting, whenever that will be.

I stopped at Amelia’s desk to get my messages and check on meetings for the day. She had a smile on her face as she put her cell phone in the drawer.

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