Page 109 of This Could Be Us

“She just insisted she wasn’t a home-wrecker, which is true. Our home was already wrecked. I just didn’t want to face it because that would have capsized my entire existence.” Soledad looks up at me and offers a one-sided grin. “I was so afraid of losing a life that wasn’t serving me well just because I wasn’t sure what else there was. I should thank Amber, if I’m being honest.”

“For real?”

“For real, because now she has to put up with him for at least another eighteen years. Besides whatever limited contact he has with the girls,” she says, her shrug philosophical, “I’ll be free of him.”

“You seem to be coming to terms with this.”

“I think I’m still processing. I’m shocked and angry, but it also gave me perspective. I didn’t escape a bad marriage and an awful husband just to go through life half-living. I want more than what I have now. In a few months, Edward will walk out of prison a free man. He finally got his boy. He’ll have everything he wanted, and I have taken so little for myself.”

I stiffen. “Is that why you came here today? To take something for yourself?”

“What would you think if I said yes?”

Though everything in me screams that I should take her upstairs before she changes her mind, I pause and consider. I’ve wanted Soledad for a long time. I’ve invested in getting to know her, in understanding what motivates her, and this isn’t like her. I won’t toss all of that away for a quick fuck, though my persistent erection thinks that’s exactly what we should do.

“I’m not sure how I feel about being your revenge sex, Sol,” I tell her.

“You’re not. This was spurred by the realization that Edward gets what he wants, and I don’t, but reducing my story to revenge makes it abouthim. His betrayal was a catalyst, yeah. It was a spark that set fire to an unsatisfying existence. I had silenced the woman screaming inside of me so much, I didn’t even realize just how unsatisfied she was.Iwas. This life, this adventure I’m on—I’m orchestrating. Edward is a footnote written in afterthought ink.”

“What about self-partnering and dating yourself?”

“I’m still on a solo journey,” she says, her eyes meeting mine frankly. “That doesn’t mean I can’t have something that is strictly for my pleasure. For our pleasure, if you’ll accept my conditions.”

“Which are?”

“This is a one-time offer. If I want to do it again, I’ll ask you again.”

“And what if I want to do it again? Are you the only one who gets what they want out of this?”

“I thought you wanted me.”

“You know I do.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

What if I want more?

I don’t say it, but I know by the veil she pulls over her expression that my thought reverberates in the room all around us. It’s not what she wants tonight—to discuss the deeper waters we may wade into if we take this step. She’s fooling herself if she thinks anything we do together will stay shallow. She’s clinging to an illusion of control, and I think that’s what she needs to do after what Edward has put her through. It’s just an illusion, though. I know what control feels like. I’ve pursued it, insisted on it whenever I could. This is its opposite. This is free fall. It’s careening into a glorious unknown. It’s running full speed ahead into a burning promise.

It’s a risk, and not even a calculated one because how do I know Soledad will ever be ready for the kind of relationship I want with her? How long could I do this? Want her as a partner while she only wants to partner herself?

But she does want to fuck you.

It’s a dangerous whisper, one I try to ignore, but it scratches my ears and whirs inside my mind. Our fingers are still linked, and her head is bent. There’s tension to the slight curve of her shoulders, as if she’s braced for something.

Rejection?

After the day she’s had, that’s the last thing she needs from me. And maybe this is serendipitous. Before she arrived, wasn’t I thinking about how I’ve put everyone’s happiness ahead of my own? And I don’t resent that, but I’ve decided I want some happiness for myself.

And she may still be figuring out exactly what she wants, but I’m absolutely sure. I want a future with her. It would be complicated. I have a complex situation with my boys and an unconventional setupwith my ex. Soledad has… all that shit Edward has done. Her daughters probably hate me and think I put their father in prison. There are obstacles, but with Soledad standing so close, warm and soft and willing and wanting me, none of them feels more important than this moment.

I capture her stare, searching for uncertainty or reluctance and finding none.

“You’re sure about this, Sol?” I ask because I have to be certain.

“I know what I want,” she says, the delicate line of her jaw tense and tight.

I take both her hands in mine and drop a kiss at her temple.

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