Page 102 of For Her Own Good

“I can understand how that would exacerbate your stress. And that could very well be contributing to your nausea. Anxiety may still be part of it, but it’s hard to say. Have you decided what you’re going to do about the pregnancy?”

She’s the best. No judgment, no assumptions. Acting as though any decision I make is completely fine, and maybe it would be, with her.

“No.”

“Do you know who the father is?”

God love Doctor Gendron and her lack of slut-shaming. But in fact, “I do.”

She nods, and I wonder if she knows. How would she know? I haven’t told her and Lowry wouldn’t, especially not without talking to me about it first. I’ve been careful not to look for Lowry when I’m at Harbinson for my regular appointments and to not give more than a polite nod when we’ve passed in the halls. But Doctor Gendron isn’t oblivious. Sometimes more observant than I’d like her to be, but honestly, usually precisely the right amount.

“Don’t be mad.”

She pulls a face. “Who’s mad? I’m not mad.”

“Just don’t freak out.”

Doctor Gendron places what I can only assume is a flippant hand over her heart. “On my honor, I promise not to freak out.”

I still really don’t want to tell her, because despite her word, I don’t believe her. And I don’t want to make things weird for Lowry. It’s a talent I have—making it weird.

“It’s Lowry. We’ve been, um, seeing each other. It’s not like we just fucked. I mean, we do, obviously, but not like one time by mistake. Like a lot.”

Oh my god, making it so very weird. I take a breath and start over, trying not to talk about how Lowry and I fuck every chance we get.

“What I’m trying to say is that we’re in a relationship and have been for a while. I think… No, I know I love him. And I think he might love me too? But I’m not sure. I’m a hard person to love.”

I burn with shame when I say that. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I like to admit, but deep in my heart of hearts I believe that’s true. Which sucks. Big time.

“You’re not. That’s your depression talking. And I’m not mad. I’m not thrilled about it, but I’m not surprised, and I’m not going to censure him for it. Have you told him?”

I bite my lip. Hard.

“Not yet.”

“It’s obviously up to you, and I should probably keep my mouth shut as such, but I’ll go as far to say I think you should. And that’s it. The rest is…” She shrugs. “ECT is incredibly safe during pregnancy, as I’m sure you’ve already looked up online. I can give you a bunch of studies saying so if you’d like to review them, and we can go over the details of what would be different if you choose to continue the pregnancy. If you choose to terminate the pregnancy, we could help you make arrangements for that. I know it can feel overwhelming. I’ve got to tell you that there’s the possibility of pregnancy exacerbating your depression to the point that it’s dangerous for you and the fetus. If that happens, I’m not going to be shy about advocating for you to have an abortion. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but should it, you’re my number one concern.”

I appreciate Doctor Gendron’s neutrality, not using the wordbaby, but the thing is, I already think of her as “she,” so she’s already a baby to me. I nod, though, because if things get worse, a lot worse, and we can’t fix it? I won’t be able to manage a pregnancy, never mind another human being, especially one that can’t help itself at all. Whether I like it or not—which I don’t—abortion is a thing I need to keep on the table. Especially if Lowry enjoys being my daddy but has no interest in being a child’s father.

* * *

Lowry

Last night with Starla was rough. She had some tea and agreed that she’d call Lacey first thing this morning. And then she begged me pretty please to fuck her.

It was mind-blowing as always, but she felt fragile to me in a way she doesn’t usually, and distant. Not so distant that I didn’t feel she was fully consenting, but she was holding back from me. I suppose if she’s feeling as though she might blow apart, it makes sense she might withdraw a bit to hold herself together. But I didn’t like it. Don’t. Perhaps she’ll feel better this evening after speaking with Lacey. I hope so because it was heartrending to hold her listless body over a fitful night for her and a sleepless one for me.

Considering all that, it’s been a long day but not half bad. I asked a patient of mine to consider ECT today and it scared her—don’t blame her at all—but she said she’d think about it and that’s more than I thought I would get. She reminds me of Starla some, actually, which maybe inclines me to fondness more than I would be otherwise. But if ECT could do for her what it’s done for Star… God, I hope she’ll let us try. I’d do just about anything to get her to try. Maybe Starla would speak with her when she’s more back to normal? It’s worth an ask.

While the day had started out sunny and was still when I took my afternoon workout, the sky’s gone grey and thin drizzle is starting to turn to fat drops plunking down from the sky. Good thing I’ve got my umbrella; I’m not in a hurry to get drenched on my way to the car. I promised myself I’d stop at home to check mail and water plants and such. It’s possible I’ve been neglecting my apartment a bit since I’m at Starla’s so often. Had to ask my neighbor Mrs. Rodriguez if she wouldn’t mind dropping by to water the plants on occasion. Might’ve flushed when I did.

Would Starla consider moving? To live with me? Not into my current bachelor pad which has the personality of a gallon of beige paint, but somewhere new we’d both like. I’d moved in with Maeve before we married—that had seemed inevitable but not something particularly exciting, whereas the prospect of officially living with Starla is… Let’s just say that despite the rain pelting down, there’s sunshine in my heart. I don’t know what exactly it is about her, but even thinking about Star, despite the dark spot she’s in at the moment—

“Excuse me, Doctor Campbell?”

There’s a bloke—younger than me but older than Starla—wearing a suit and trench coat and toting an umbrella, yeah, but still looking as though he’s irritated because he didn’t give the sky permission to open up so how dare it? I don’t care for this type of person because every damn thing is about them, even the weather.

When I’ve given him my attention, he turns his displeasure on me. Not one of my patients, but could be a relative. This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accosted in a parking lot.

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