Page 112 of For Her Own Good

“I’m sorry I cocked this up. I’ve been thinking it so long, you’d think I’d’ve had a better plan. But here we are. I promise you, though, you don’t have to worry about forgetting. I’ll tell you every day. Because every day I’ve loved you—it’ll be far easier to say the words out loud than to keep swallowing them. I love you, Star. Always have, even when I shouldn’t have. Always will, because I don’t know how not to love you.”

“You fucker. I hope you have that memorized because you’re going to have to say it over and over.”

“I will, don’t you worry. You don’t have to worry about anything anymore. I know you will, but you should know I’ll be right there beside you and I hope you have enough faith in me to believe I’ll help whenever I can. Of course, you’ll need to smack me upside the head sometimes too. You need to give yourself more credit. I have just enough good sense to love you. Probably not much more than that, though.”

“Shush, you. You’re not perfect but you’re pretty darn close. Fine upstanding man you are, Doctor Lowry Campbell. Fine enough that I trust you when I haven’t trusted anyone else. You handle me like I’m precious, which is sometimes a lot to take, but it’s… I love it. And that being true, I’ve got to tell you something.”

I look down at my hands, feeling a bit disconnected from them. So I look back at Lowry. “I was in a really bad place when you left. Like went past devastated and all the way to feeling numb. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. I mean, I obviously found the wherewithal to deal with it, show up for my appointment and push the sale of my shares through because intellectually I knew it would help even if emotionally I felt like nothing could. I’m telling you because… I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t be, but I need you to know it still happens sometimes, that swamping numbness. It’s not and probably won’t ever be a hundred percent under control and if you can’t stick around for that…”

He makes a choked noise and holds me tighter. “I’m sorry, Star. So sorry. I should’ve thought, I should’ve known, and I failed you. I did. There’s no way to deny it and I won’t because I fucked it up. I can give you my most heartfelt apologies, tell you I am so, so sorry. And I can say I’m glad you’re telling me now. It’s not fun to hear, it hurts my heart, but it’s important for me to know. I always want to know, even if it’s scary. Especially if it’s scary. That’s what—”

He stops himself short and I hear the hitch in his breath.

“That’s what I’m here for.”

“Were you going to say that’s what my daddy’s here for? Because I kind of wish you would have.”

He barks a startled laugh and clutches me, kisses the top of my head and rocks me a bit. Makes my eyes water.

“I wanted to. Didn’t think I deserved to. I’d do anything to earn back the privilege if you’ll give me the chance.”

Maybe I’m foolish, and perhaps I’m inviting more heartache, but I want him. Can’t in fact imagine what my life would be like without him.

“And if I do, give you another chance…would you want to be a father or would that be too much for you? I don’t want to put that on you because I know—”

Lowry takes my chin in a firm grip as he leans away. “When you said it first, I did—I got that squeeze of panic. Certainty that I’m not fit to be a father, that I’ve got that monstrous blood coursing through my veins. But then I heard you telling me that was nonsense. And I believe you. Not because I want to exactly, but because I believe in you. So I have to say that it’s up to you, but I think I’d like to be a dad. Like to think I wouldn’t be a total cock-up about it. I mean, obviously, I’d need you around to make sure, but…”

His gaze roams my face, concentrating on my red, puffy eyes.

“But it sounds like you’re not so certain. Do you not want to have a baby? Or did you not want to have a baby with me?”

Tension shapes his jaw, though he’s doing his best to hide it. Perhaps he’s forgotten that as closely as he studied me for all those years, I studied him too.

“You’re about the only person I’d even consider having a baby with, but…”

I swallow and look down, embarrassed to be still clutching the grody tissues. I’m supposed to be a mom, how? Although I suppose holding disgusting things is a core parental duty, so maybe I’ll be all right.

“But what?”

Blinking more rising tears out of the way, I force myself to look at him.

“But you know about my mother. As much as you’re afraid of being like your uncle, I’m terrified of being like her. And when you left me…”

The overwhelming feeling of sick rises in my throat.

“Hey, listen to me. You’re not like your mother. Your mother’s condition was untreated, unmedicated, she insisted there was nothing wrong. You know better. You have faithfully and conscientiously taken care of yourself, and look at all you’ve done. You have a wonderful life, one that you protect by slaying demons all the damn time. I didn’t know your mother, but from what your father said about her…she seemed more likely to dance with her demons than fight.

“And regardless of whether you want me romantically or not, I’m not going to leave you to raise a child by yourself if you want to have the baby. I wouldn’t dream of it. Not because I don’t think you’re capable, but because that’s a lot for anyone to handle. And I might be wrong, but it hasn’t ever seemed to me that you were desperate to have children. It’s hard enough to deal with children when you desperately want them, and I would imagine it’s harder when you aren’t completely sure.”

“And you don’t think dealing with two of us would be too much? If she ends up like me?”

His jaw flexes and his brows nearly meet in the middle. I’ve said something wrong. He’s really considering what it would be like now, and it’s hit home that it would be miserable. I should’ve kept my mouth shut and let Saint Lowry sacrifice himself.

“First, I don’t think of it as ‘dealing’ with you. I’m sorry people have made you feel that way and I wasn’t loud enough about how wonderful you are to drown the rest of the voices out. It’s a privilege to know you. Yes, you have your struggles, but so do we all, and you’re more conscientious about yours than most anyone I know. And you still find it in you to take care of other people, use all you know to help others who have some of the same difficulties. You’ve spent untold hours listening and learning so you can help people who are different from you too. You’re brilliant, love, and not just anyone could build the business you have. I wish there were a million more people like you; the world would be a better place if there were.”

For fuck’s sake. I didn’t go fishing for compliments, but the way he’s looking at me, and talking…I should climb in a boat with a can of worms and toss my line in the compliment pond every goddamn day. The sweet things he’s saying are food for my soul. I feel nourished and treasured.

Will his words always be enough to silence the ones that depression whispers to me? No, of course not. That’s not how things work. But that’s why I have my ECT. It’s like a bomb that takes out most of the threat, and Lowry could be a sniper, taking down the small doubts that crop up one by one. But he’s not magic. For all of the wonderful things about him, he’s not a wizard, and it wouldn’t be fair to treat him as if he is one.

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