Page 46 of For Her Own Good

“I promise,” I say again. “And you know I don’t make promises lightly.”

I’ve only made her a promise once before and it’s in that moment that I realize she may feel that I broke that vow and that my promise isn’t worth jack shit to her. That possibly, I couldn’t have said anything worse.

“I’m not going anywhere, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I really want to believe that.”

Oof. That is a punch to the gut I might never recover from, and worse, I don’t know how to reassure her it’s not going to happen again. Not without explaining why I left in the first place, which carries its own risks. For me. Because what if she thinks the very thing I’ve always been the most afraid of? Though I suppose I don’t need to disclose the entire story. Just the bit that has to do with her, which is bad enough. Seems only fair, though, that I should take a risk when she will also.

“Shall we make a bargain, then?”

“A bargain?”

“Yes. Seems as though we’ve both got some things we’re not keen to talk about, so we’ll trade.”

“The old ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’?”

“Aye, well, I thought we might be able to play that later.”

That got her to crack a smile at least, and I chafe her shoulders. “I can go first if you like.”

Her mouth—Christ, her mouth, now that I know what it’s like to kiss that mouth, I’m not sure I’ll be able to look at her ever again without thinking about that—wrenches to the side.

“No. It’s okay. I can go first. You just have to…you have to promise not to make me sorry about it later.”

I could make a joke about some outlandish thing to try to make her laugh again, but there’s something I’ve learned from talking to hundreds of patients rather intimately over my career: if you shit on something they can draw parallels to their own experience from, they’re never going to trust you. So, though I love to make her laugh, I value her trust far more, and I’m not going to risk something so precious on a throwaway line.

“I promise.”

Chapter 16

Starla

Just as thereis a distinction between patting and petting, so too is there a difference between beingashamedof being kinky and beingshamedfor being kinky. Hell, there is even kink-shaming in the kink community which is…table-flip-worthy. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if kink were discussed in sex ed like just another thing. Which has its own issues because kink isn’t always sexual, but I’ll take what I can get.

I would also take not feeling all tied up and twisted on the inside thinking about telling Lowry what I’m into, what I want from him. If only it could be as simple as he’s said: if my kinks are not his, we’ll keep talking and find something we both like. Anyone who thinks it’s that simple is willfully ignorant or their brain simply isn’t wired for self-consciousness.

To be fair, it’s not usually this brain-melting to tell partners what I want. If they don’t like it, they can shove off—it’s that simple. This thing with Lowry, though, is anything but simple. It will shred me in ways I can barely imagine if this goes sideways. But the potential for this to go well makes it worth the risk. Doesn’t stop my stomach from churning but it will get me to step off the cliff.

His hands are resting at my hips again and I lay my hands on his biceps, trying not to dig my fingertips into his muscles. Holding on for dear life isn’t going to help.

“Do…do you know anything about…” Oh god. I need to spit it out, otherwise my heart is going to beat out of my chest and it’ll fall on Lowry, and I really like the shirt he’s wearing. It’s blue and white plaid and the shade where the checks overlap is almost precisely the color of his eyes. Wouldn’t want to ruin it. “Daddy kink? DDLG stuff? That’s—”

“I know what that is.”

His voice is soft, encouraging, and he squeezes my hips lightly. Not dumping me off his lap and running for the hills yet, so there’s that.

I shrug. “So, I’m a little. Sometimes. Not all the time, obviously. I like to wear cute things.”

I look down at my Hello Kitty sweatshirt, and back up at him. Lowry has the barest smile on his face and it’s…it’s not a big blown-out reaction, like drunk girls shrieking in a bar bathroom: “Oh my god, you like that too? Besties!” I don’t need that. His slightly warmer than neutral affect is encouraging.

“I like to color, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I like spankings. Usually more for fun than discipline, but I’ve done those too, and if I’m in the right space, I can be into more pain. I like being coaxed into things, and when I’m feeling stubborn, I like to be sort of forced. It’s tricky, though. Like I want my top to prove they’re smarter or stronger or have more endurance than I do. I need to be convinced that I can rely on them even if it means making me fail. When I’m little, I get very cuddly, need a lot of affection. I want to feel safe, you know?”

He nods and I try to think of the other most salient details to share before my bravery runs out.

“When I’m little, I can get disoriented easily. Almost like my brain knows someone else is looking out for me, so it can take a break from some of its regular functions. But that also means my anxiety kicks up more easily. I like to be calledlittle girl, other pet names like that, and I…” Here comes one that could be difficult for Lowry to swallow. It’s so typical, and this isn’t usually something I hesitate to share because even a lot of people who aren’t really into daddy kink can enjoy it. But for him? Eh… “I don’t have to, but I like calling my partnerdaddy.”

I can feel the way he sucks in a breath, and something in me starts to crumble. I’ve been holding it together pretty damn well, have also tried to steel myself, prepare for disappointment, but now that he might actually be not cool about this, it’s hitting me hard. Like my chest is a gong and he banged my heart with a big-ass mallet. Great. He won’t be mean, he won’t be, but I’d held out hope that he would want this too. My catastrophizing horse is out of the gate and galloping toward the finish line ofway to fuck this up, you foolish girl, when he loosens his hold on my hips and sets his hands on my shoulders.

---