Page 59 of For Her Own Good

Will there ever be a time when I don’t feel like I am one step away from losing everything? Probably not. I’m wired to feel insecure. To feel as though whatever I have, I don’t deserve, so it wouldn’t be surprising if someone yanked it all away. I wouldn’t even be able to argue. Except when I do the math, it makes sense why I can feel this as more of a real possibility. I’m a little over a week away from my next ECT and this is when the depression starts creeping up for real, the whispers grow louder in my ears. It never gets nearly as bad as it was at its worst, but I can feel it. It’s not real. My brain likes to lie, isn’t that great?

What is truly great, though, is that I am snuggled against Lowry and he’s holding me as close as I ever dreamed he would. He never did embarrass me. Which is not to say that I was never embarrassed in front of him, because I was—frequently, wildly—but it wasn’t because of anything he’d done. I can at least try to explain why I had a major fucking meltdown just now.

“I, um…”

I can’t look at him while I say this. Instead, I tuck myself under his chin and curl my fingers against his chest. And heaven love the man, he holds me tighter.

“When I was your patient…” Oh, so much vomit, so much. “I…I had the biggest crush on you.”

He kisses the top of my head and cradles the back of my neck in his hand, stroking my hair.

“That’s not unusual, Star. It happens to a lot of people. Adults too. It’s almost hard not to when there’s someone you feel is so invested in your well-being, who genuinely cares for you.”

“Yeah, well, I never felt that way about Doctor Gendron. Still don’t.”

He snorts and it makes me feel a little better, makes it a bit easier to continue.

“It felt different to me, though. Like, I had minor crushes on boys I went to school with, even dated some of them.” His frame goes rigid, probably remembering Milo, but this isn’t about him. I don’t even know where he is now. I could probably find out but I don’t think I want to know. “But you were the one consistent thing. It didn’t feel shallow to me, it wasn’t passing. I knew it wasn’t okay and I didn’t want you or anyone else to know, partly because I was afraid Doctor Gendron or my father would’ve taken you away from me if they did. But I…”

When I think back on those years—the ones where I was walking closest to the edge, the ones where I wasn’t certain if I was going to make it to college and wasn’t sure I wanted to because what did it matter anyway and why did I deserve to take up any space at all, especially so goddamn much of it—there are very few things I remember fondly, and Lowry is one of them.

“I think even then I loved you. I don’t say that lightly. Whether you knew it or not, I thought about you all the time. Thinking about disappointing you was one of the things that kept me from, well…”

I thought about killing myself far more frequently than I actually tried, which he knows, but I don’t think he realizes exactly how powerful he was as a motivation for me to not. “It sounds over the top, I know, and maybe I’m being melodramatic, but you of all people know emotion isn’t always logical and—”

“Starla. Can you look at me? Or is it not safe yet?”

It doesn’t feel safe, not at all, because I’ve basically vomited my soul all over him and I’m not sure how he feels about that, but at the same time it seems like such a small, simple thing in exchange for everything I’ve forced him to bear.

I peel myself far enough away from him that I can look at him as he asked. Kinda feels like I’m peeling my own skin off to do it, but it’s also kinda nice because he’s so goddamn handsome and he looks at me so kindly.

“It’s not gross and I don’t think you should be embarrassed. I knew you had feelings for me, before. It didn’t offend me, and you never behaved inappropriately, never made me uncomfortable. It’s nothing you need to feel badly about, for any reason. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you needn’t worry on my account.”

It’s a relief to hear him say that. And while itwouldbe wrong and itwouldbe inappropriate, a part of me aches for him to confess that he’d felt the same for me. Such a selfish wish, and one that I don’t dare voice because I’ve asked him for far too much already. I remember the last time I asked for too much—he left. I won’t let that happen again. I’ll take what I’ve been given and be grateful for it, because it’s 98 percent of everything I’ve ever wanted.

“Okay.”

“And hearing that makes me understand why—”

“Why I’d have a complete and utter meltdown?”

“That’s not what I was going to say and I don’t want you to think of it that way either. What I was going to say is that I could understand how this could be overwhelming and you’d need an outlet. I can’t tell you how to feel, but I wish you would believe me when I say I’m not afraid of any of your feelings and you don’t need to hide them from me. Course you don’t have to share everything with me either, you have a right to privacy, but I hope that’s why you’d not share something, because that’s your prerogative and not because you’re afraid of how I might feel about it.”

God, he’s so earnest it kills me. And I try so hard not to wonder why I deserve a man like this and instead enjoy the fact that he seems to think I do.

“Okay.”

“I do think, though, that it’s late and you ought to get some sleep. You have clients tomorrow morning, aye?”

“Yes, I do. But—”

“No buts. We’ll have plenty of time to talk more later. Do you have plans for tomorrow night already? If you don’t, I’ll pick up some takeout and be over at seven thirty.”

“I don’t.”

Holden had texted earlier because his breakup didn’t go quite as planned with Ben, and apparently he and Ben and Anna are all meeting up tomorrow night? Kids these days, I don’t even know. But let’s be real, even if Holden hadn’t ditched me for a potential threesome, I would cancel with him because there’s pretty much nothing I’d rather do than eat some lo mein with my daddy.

“It’s settled, then. And it’s entirely up to you, I don’t want to be a bother or disturb, but if it’s not too much, I’d like to spend the night with you. I’ll have to get up early to head back to my place, but…”

---