Page 85 of Beg, Borrow, or Steal

“I think you’re right. But what do I do now?…Also, why do you have hidden money?”

She ignores my last question. “Nowyou decide if she’s worth it to you to go slow or not. To give her strong, fierce soul space when she needs it, and to trust she’ll invite you in when she’s ready. To let her heart love you softly until it’s ready for something bigger.” She stands and smooths out the wrinkles of her dress. “Now, of course, if what you need is opposite of what she needs—then maybe this love is one that was only meant to sweep through like a breeze. We encounter those in life from time to time. Doesn’t make them less wonderful to experience just because they come and go quickly.”

When she’s stopped smoothing her dress, I reach out and take her hand. “Thank you, Mabel. I didn’t grow up around people I could be honest with.” I have to swallow back the lump in my throat. “I appreciate you letting me be open with you today. I think I want to be someone who does this kind of thing more.”

“Good. Life can be a little shit sometimes. But shit also makes great fertilizer.” She pats the back of my hand that’s holding hers. “Grow from your experiences, don’t let them smother the light out of you.”

Mabel leaves a few minutes later after telling me to ring downstairs if I need any extra towels, and all I can do is lie back on the bed and stare at the ruffled canopy above me.

UNSENT DRAFT (four months ago)

FROM: Jack Bennett

TO: Emily Walker

DATE: Wed, Feb 21 1:34 PM

SUBJECT: I think I miss you.

I’m sure you’re still rejoicing through the hallways that I’m gone—but I thought I’d just tell you that I broke it off with Zoe. It didn’t feel right anymore with her. I’m still here in Nebraska, but I don’t like it here at all. Would you be upset if I came back?…Would you be happy? I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Everywhere I turn I expect to find you there. I don’t know…I guess I’m wondering if maybe you’re out there thinking of me too?

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Emily

Now that Maddie has officially decided to go back to New York and finish her degree, she’s only here for a quick trip. Basically long enough for us both to wallow and pump each other up and then fly back out tomorrow morning.

It’s been so good to have her here, though—I’ve smothered her with hugs every five minutes and given her a manicure because her nails were chipped within an inch of their life. I helped her balance her checking account, which had been grossly unattended for far too long, we squeezed in a Hearts tournament with Noah and the girls last night, and now we’re having our sister hangout/Audrey Hepburn movie night. Or technically movie afternoon since we’re also doing a family dinner tonight on James’s back porch.

We’re even watching the movie in James’s living room to consolidate time. Also because James has the nicest house out of us all. His gorgeous farmhouse is situated on the Huxley farm and was inherited from his parents when they downsized to something more manageable. The house looks like it was lifted right from aNora Ephron movie set. His mom has always had a love of interior design, and it shows in how she helped him refurnish this place after they moved their stuff out.

There are softly striped fabrics, luscious thick drapes, and a big couch so plush you’ll give your soul up for a chance to sit on it just one more minute. Warm oak hardwood floors and the kind of lighting that soothes something buzzing inside you. You would never expect a place like this to belong to a man like James. A farmer through and through.

I wonder if I’ll still get to help Jack shop for his house when it’s finished.

And that’s been happening today too. An all-day mental Jack-a-thon (which sounds much dirtier than I’m intending). It’s basically just a frustrating nonstop loop ofI love him, I’m scared to love him,but I love him.Round and round it goes.

“My God, Emily! You had him get down and dirty by the front door?” Madison screeches from the couch, knees up to her chest, oversized T-shirt draping her shorts, making her look pantsless. Her eyes are glued to her phone.

That’s the other thing I did today: I told each of my sisters about my book.

I’m glad I did. They’ve spent a solid chunk of time full-on squealing, which has helped me replace some of myit’s trash because Colette thinks it’s trashfeelings intoshe can go to hellfeelings instead. Well, not completely, because after looking over her notes, like Jack predicted, I’ve found two points she made that I do agree with and will change. But overall, I’ve decided, as my grandma used to say, someone must have peed in her Cheerios that morning.

The time with my sisters has been healing. When I first unloaded the truth to them, there was a lot of feet kicking and screaming, and then several minutes of oohing and ahhing over myplot. And then a moment I’ll always remember for the rest of my life when Annie looked me straight in the eyes and said:Emily, I’m so proud of you.Annie and I are close, but we’ve never had quite the connection that Madison and I have had, just simply because of our age proximity. But in that moment, I felt the strongest tether to Annie. She’s learned to step into herself over the last year, even when it’s been uncomfortable, even when it meant confronting each of us sisters about the way we’ve treated her with too much fragility in the past. And today, that woman looked me in the eyes and said she was proud ofme.

I didn’t, however, have the heart to tell them about accidentally sending my manuscript to Bart, though. Not because I’m ashamed anymore, but because it’s my and Jack’s secret. Something that’s just ours in this world where nothing makes sense, and our futures are uncertain, but…at least we’ll always have the manuscript heist.

“I only emailed it to you five minutes ago, Maddie. How are you already to the sex scene?”

She looks at me like my head is a potato. “I searched the document for the word ‘nipple’ so I could get to the good stuff quickly. Do you guys not do that?”

“No!” Annie says in outrage from where she’s curled up on the other side of Maddie on the couch. “That’s terrible, Madison. The steam hits so much better if you let the story build around it. Build the connection first.”

Madison laughs like this is the most hysterical thing she’s ever heard. “Maybe for you three delicate flowers. But for me…I don’t care when the steam hits, I’m here for it.”

Amelia bonks Maddie in the face with a pillow. “Yes, we gathered that when you FaceTimed us from the bathroom because there was a man in your bed.”

There’s a beat where Madison tosses me the quickest look.They’ve been a needed distraction from my loneliness.I’m so glad she let me into that part of her heart. And I am nothing if not faithfully loyal, which is why I don’t call her out when she smirks at Amelia and says, “Don’t be jealous just because you’re locked down to my snoozy brother and I’m free as a bird.”

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