Page 49 of (Not So) Mad About You

Alli snorted and crossed her legs.

“Alright, why don’t we start with what made you angry.”

Okay, there was an issue she really didn’t want to get into. Not only because she was embarrassed that Daria had taken her for a ride, but also because she was fairly sure that she’d get into trouble in all sorts of ways. And as much as she wanted out of St. Hilda’s, she had to admit that she’d already done three days and she didn’t relish the thought of having to start anew somewhere else.

“Why don’t we not,” she said now.

“Okay,” Lex said reasonably. “Why don’t you tell me what’s at stake here?”

“What do you mean?”

“People tend to come to programs like this because they stand to lose something. What do you stand to lose, Alli?”

“My job,” Alli said, crossing her legs in the other direction.

“And what does your job mean to you?”

“Everything.” The word slipped out before Alli had thought about it. But it was at least the truth.

“I see.” Lex studied her. “I’d like to ask you what else is in your life? Friends, family, a pet perhaps?”

“Nope,” said Alli. “Just me and my job.”

“And are you happy like that?”

Alli blew out a breath. “What does happy have to do with it?” she asked. “I’ve got a job I’m fucking brilliant at. I’ve got a boss who thinks I’m a star. I make more money than you can imagine a year. What else do I need?”

“Some people don’t measure their lives in financial successes.”

“Right.” Alli rolled her eyes.

“Some people measure their lives by the number of friends they have, or the number of people they’ve helped, or by how happy they are to get up in the morning.”

“Those people are losers,” Alli said.

“You’re not a loser.”

“Definitely not.” She was pleased that Lex was seeing her point.

Lex tapped her fingers on the arm of her chair. “You seem distracted today. More distracted than usual. Is there something that you’d like to talk about?”

Alli considered this. “Everything in here is private, right?”

“As long as you don’t tell me that you have plans to physically harm yourself or someone else, yes, anything you say is between you and I.”

An opportunity that didn’t come along often. Alli swallowed before she spoke the words. “I kissed a woman.” Another swallow. “Is that normal?”

Lex’s eyebrows raised a smidgen. “We prefer to avoid words like ‘normal’ in therapy.”

“I don’t mean like normal normal,” Alli said. “I’m not a homophobe. I don’t particularly care who kisses who.”

“What did you mean then?”

What did she mean? Good question. “I mean… I’m over thirty years old and I just kissed a woman, is that… I’m too old, aren’t I?”

“Your previous sexual experiences have been with men?”

“What there’s been of them, yeah,” said Alli. There’d been a handful, just to check. Just… She found herself speaking again. “I thought I was broken. No, I knew I was broken. I just… Didn’t feel those things.”

---