Page 26 of An Ex Affair

“Are you kidding me, Tully? You really think I should doanythingto help you feel better? You walked out on our marriage. You left me behind to have some fabulous life in Hollywood. You took every single one of my dreams and lit them on fire. I was devastated and humiliated foryearsafter you left. And even after all that, I still fucking care about you. I still take care of your mother like she’s mine. I still would do anything for you if you just ask it of me. And of course you have the audacity to ask me to make you feel better because you had a rough night. I would give youeverything. Turn myself inside out for you. How much more do you want from me, Tully?”

I didn’t even dare to blink. His voice came out raw and husky and so torn it made my ribs ache. I would rather he punched me in the face and left me alone in this house in that fire than say all of that. It was one thing to imagine you’d hurt someone in your past. It was another entirely to see and hear the devastation from someone who’d always been so sweet.

Previously, I thought my rock bottom was getting fired from my job. I thought having to move home with Mama was the lowest of my lows. That was almost laughable now. My rock bottom was seeing the hurt on Colson’s face and knowing I was solely responsible for putting it there. Shame and regret hit so hard I doubled over from it. My face landed in the blankets and Colson let go of my hand that he’d had a death grip on. I stayed there, trying to get air back in my lungs. I didn’t know what to possibly say or do. What does one do when a simple sorry isn’t even close to enough? What does a person do when they realize their life might have been a complete waste due to their owndecisions? How does one live with regret so palpable you don’t think you can ever hold your head up again?

Colson’s hand landed on the back of my head, soft and hesitant. His fingers dug into the knots in my curls and he sifted through the strands. One stroke turned into two.

“I’m begging you. Please don’t be nice to me,” I said into the blanket, voice muffled.

His fingers stilled for a moment and then he went back to sifting through my hair. His voice sounded a little lost when he spoke a long minute later. “I don’t know how to be mean to you, Tully.”

His sigh sounded nearly as emotionally spent as me. We stayed just like that, me with my face in the blankets, hiding from him, trying to find the strength to pick myself back up. Him with his hand stroking my hair with a comfort I didn’t deserve. When I felt like I could face him once again, I pushed up from the floor and sat up straight. I was sure I looked an absolute fright. Puffy red-rimmed eyes, crazy hair that had dried to twice its size. None of it mattered though. Not with Colson.

He looked back at me with both trepidation and a deep caring that stunned me.

“I know I hurt you, probably more than I will ever understand, so I have to ask.” I swallowed hard, about to offer the only thing I could. “Should I not move back to Blueball?”

His face screwed up. “Why do you need my permission?”

“I want to give you a choice this time around when I gave you none before. If me moving here would be too hard, tell me now. I promise I’ll leave and never come back.” I knew it would hurt Mama if I never visited, but I’d find ways to drive or fly her to see me wherever I ended up making my home.

Colson studied me for long minutes. I wanted to cringe away, but I forced myself to stay steady. To let him look his fill. To see the brokenness I’d only recently discovered in myself.

“I’ve spent years trying to get over you. I was furious with you. Then I ran to a different town to escape memories of you. I’ve tried to simply forget you exist. But then I’d walk by a television and see you kicking ass. Once even saw a billboard with you up there in safety goggles, holding a goddamn drill.” His lips briefly tilted up into a smile under that mustache before falling away again. “But after the first ten years, I realized something. It’s impossible.”

“What’s impossible?” I whispered.

Colson glanced down at our legs, our knees touching as we faced each other. He looked back up through his lashes, looking exactly like his flirtatious sixteen-year-old self.

“Kicking you out of my heart. You’re wedged in there for good.” He shrugged, giving me a sad smile. “I care about you still, even if I’m also mad at you. I’ve just accepted it. Stay in Blueball if it makes you happy, Tully.”

Air flooded into my lungs. Despair eased just a bit with this tiny flicker of hope offered by the one person who had every right to squash my hope under his boot heel.

“You sure?”

Colson straightened and looked me square in the eyes. “Ultimately, I want you happy, wife.” Then he tackled me down to the blankets and covered us both with the blankets. This time, there was no arm around my waist or one single body part touching as we lay there in the dark.

I turned my head to the side to see him staring up at the ceiling. “It’sex-wife,” I said teasingly.

Colson’s head jerked toward me. He snorted, reached behind his head, and threw the pillow at me. I batted it away with a yelp and we settled into a restless night of sleep on the floor.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Colson

Can a heart have whiplash?

That was only one of a thousand thoughts that ran through my brain as I woke to the first bit of morning light streaming through the windows. Tully was on her side just inches away from me, her knees bent and her feet tucked into my shins for warmth. Her bandage was tickling my leg. Last night had been…intense.

Seeing Tully and Sofia in danger had nearly wrecked me, but seeing Tully cry had completed the destruction. And then I’d gotten angry. So fucking angry that she didn’t seem to understand just how much I loved her. I would have scorched the entire earth for her back when we were together. She merely had to ask and I’d have found a way to do it. But now? Asking me for something now that she’d left my ass for nineteen years? What the actual fuck?

So, yeah, my heart was sore this morning, feeling like it had gotten involved in a collision that left the organ whiplashed from experiencing every emotion known to man.

And fuck me, but I itched to stretch out my arms and pull her into my chest. I wanted to hold on to her and never let go, same as nineteen years ago. Had I learned absolutely nothing the last two decades? Was she forever going to be the one person who could destroy me, over and over again?

When the temptation to touch her got to be too much, I crept out from under the blankets, every bone in my body sore from sleeping on the ground. Silently moving about the living room, I picked up my boots and checked on the kitchen, glad the fire was truly out, but saddened to see the damage. One last peek in the living room showed Tully sound asleep, her hands stacked under her cheek. I gave myself exactly three seconds to drink her in without judgment and then I tiptoed out of the house, shoving my feet into my boots.

Leaves and sticks crunched under my feet as I walked over to the carriage house. I heard Hayes’s nails on the tile floor before I knocked gently on the door. Sofia called for me to come in, so I did, giving Hayes love before I moved further into the space. Sofia was already making a cup of coffee, looking far better than she had last night. She turned back to the small counter space in the kitchen and poured another cup for me, not bothering with cream or sugar. Since I moved back to Blueball, she and I would frequently share a cup of coffee on days I didn’t work.

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