Page 42 of An Ex Affair

Back when we were teens, I was always the one putting on the brakes when it came to sex. Colson was respectful of my wishes, while also making it known he’d be more than happy to take things further. Now that we were grown, the roles had seemingly reversed.

Colson strode over to me, his hot eyes dancing all along my body like he was committing every inch to memory. I braced for him to touch me, that first slide of calloused palms dancing over my skin. My whole body shivered in anticipation.

But he bent at the waist, snatching my shirt off the ground and jamming it over my head like I was a wayward toddler dancing naked in the cereal aisle. The damn thing was inside out and pretty sure I had an ant now crawling over my left breast.

“What the?—”

Strands of hair had escaped my ponytail and I had to brush them away from my eyes to see him clearly. He had both hands behind his neck, elbows flared out wide in irritation,biceps popping indecently. That clean-shaven jawline of his was clenched within an inch of its life. Those whiskey-brown eyes were hot alright. They were still trained on me like he wanted to devour me. The tent in his pants also told me he still wanted me. At least on some level. To say I was confused was an understatement.

Burying the hit to my pride deep down where I could ignore it for now, I tried to joke it off. “Can’t say I’ve ever had a man reject me quite like that.”

His arms flew to the side and he stepped right up in my face. “I’m not rejecting you, Tully. You’re just too damn distracting when you’re naked.”

I tilted my head back to hold his gaze. “I thought we agreed to get naked.”

Colson dipped his head in a quick nod, jaw still tense. “We did. But I think we need some rules first. Don’t want this to become twisted.”

“Fucking? What’s complicated about that?”

Colson slammed his hands down on my hips, pushing me back a step. His fierce expression wiped the teasing smile right off my face.

“Don’t fucking act like we don’t care about each other. This isn’t gonna be just fucking and we both know it. You either speak the truth or this is over before it’s begun. I won’t allow lies between us to stack up on all the other baggage we carry between us.”

I swallowed hard, incredibly touched that he had the maturity to speak so plainly when I’d tried to take the easy route with humor. I thought about the hurt I’d caused him before and knew I couldn’t go down that road again. “I won’t lie to you, Colson. Yes, we care about each other, but I’m not in a place to do anything with feelings. I just took a job with Em, so I’ll bestaying in Blueball. You’re right, rules are a good idea to keep this from being complicated.”

His fingers dug into my skin, his voice even rougher. “Oh, it’s already complicated, princess. I just don’t want it twisted into something it’s not.”

“I don’t want to get married again. Ever,” I blurted out.

“Me neither,” was his instant reply.

All the tension left my body. “Then we agree this is just sex.”

Colson stared into my eyes, a reply never coming. Instead, he released my hips and clenched his hands into fists by his side. “I need you to explain why you left me before. All I took away from our fighting was that you didn’t want me any longer, so I’m a little confused why you want me now.”

I blew out a heavy breath, thankful he’d given me my shirt back for this conversation. I felt more stripped naked than I’d been a moment ago.

“You really want to rehash all that?”

Colson didn’t answer me, but his staredown told me everything I needed to know. His eyes still held that heat, but there was a hint of vulnerability in them that had me speaking more clearly than I ever had. He deserved the naked truth.

“All the reasons I gave you about not being ready for kids are still valid, but it took me awhile to see what I was really afraid of. You know my mama almost as well as I do.” At his nod, I continued. “Well, before Dad died, she wasn’t like how she is now. She got out, participated in things. But Daddy dying just wrecked her. She stopped living. Stopped participating inmylife, like I wasn’t enough for her to pull out of her grief. She quit leaving the house to the point she missed most of my senior year of high school.” Tears were burning my eyes. “And you know she didn’t even come to the courthouse for our wedding!”

I began to pace, anger and grief swirling together. “I saw myself going down that same road, putting all my thoughts anddreams and future in the hands of one man. You wanted me barefoot and pregnant when I needed to live a little. I didn’t want to become my mother. I refused! I couldn’t breathe, Colson.” I spun and faced him, hoping like hell he understood me.

He hadn’t moved a muscle. “I like to think I would have listened. I would have given up my volunteering with the fire department to go with you. We could have seen the world and really lived,together.”

My ribs felt like they were cracking all over again. This was exactly why I feared coming back home. “I know you would have seriously thought about it. That’s just it though. I loved you so much, I knew I couldn’t let you give up your dream job for some vague idea of experiencing the world.” I used air quotes to show how pie in the sky my head had been at the time. “One of two things would have happened: either you’d have given up your dreams, or I would have given up mine. I didn’t want that for either one of us. So I left.” I reached out and slid my hand down his arm until I gripped his fist. With a little coaxing, he relaxed his fingers and I intertwined mine with his.

“I honestly thought leaving when I did would be the best gift I could give you. You still had time to remarry and have that family like you dreamed of.”

Colson snorted, looking all kinds of pissed off. “Lotta good that did me.”

I tilted my head. “You have Hayes at least.”

Colson’s lips tilted up in a hint of a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I guess I realized that having kids wasn’t actually that important to me. I just wanted you.”

The raw honesty did me in. The tears that had burned spilled over onto my cheeks. I didn’t bother wiping them away. “I’m sorry, Colson. So sorry I hurt you. Sorry I wrecked your dreams.”

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