Page 106 of Healing the Heart

“And how they can make you melt with a look,” Val added.

“Or make you fly,” Esme said in a wistful voice. “So you do things you never imagine in your wildest dreams.”

Noah had all of that, but where were they going with this, except to make her feel worse?

Val seemed to realize that and veered back on topic. “Eric and the others have nominated him several times, but he always turns them down.”

“Why?”

She and Esme looked at one another before Val clarified, “He never says, but if he were here, with responsibilities to the club, he couldn’t as easily escape.”

“It’s devastating losing a spouse, but even more so when he or she is your master or submissive. I swore I’d never give my heart or submit to another dom after Andrew. He was my master and the love of my life.” Esme joined them on the couch. As she told her emotional tale, she gripped Fiona’s hand while Val hung on to the other. “Eventually, the lifestyle I loved, that we loved together, called to me. I resisted for months. I thought I could get my fix with an emotionless scene with a stranger once a month and go about life as usual. It was unfulfilling and only satisfied a very basic physical need. Sometimes not even that. Then I met Keiran. The things he did to me...” She paused for a moment, her cheeks flushed as though remembering. “Then you know what happened?” she asked, snapping out of it.

“Massive guilt,” Val answered without hesitating.

“Exactly. In my mind, I was betraying my vows. After our first scene, I convinced myself Keiran had fixed me and actually planned to scene with another dom on my next visit. He saw right through me and called my bluff. I knew I was in trouble because when you find that one special dom who connects with you on a visceral level—”

“You might as well give up your search,” Val finished for her.

“Where do you think Noah is in all of this?”

“Feeling guilty,” Esme replied.

“Definitely,” Val concurred with a nod. “He had a double dose. He feels like he’s betraying...” She stopped and frowned. “I can’t recall her name.”

“Claire.”

“Yes, and his daughter. No doubt, he thinks he’s betraying Claire every time he’s with someone else and betraying them both just by thinking about a future with someone else, maybe even a family.”

“And with me, there was no escape. He couldn’t hold me to a scene or a night. He was my bodyguard. We had eight stinking weeks of drama, with our lives entangled 24/7.” Fiona looked down at her clenched fists, the pain of her nails digging into her palms hard enough to leave deep grooves in her skin, not even registering until now. “Now that it’s over, even if he wants to cut and run, he can’t. His sense of honor won’t let him abandon a woman only days after going through something so horrendous.”

Val gripped her hand. “I thought the two of you were perfect for one another. He said no, plainly, but I wouldn’t listen.”

Esme took her other hand and squeezed. “I wouldn’t take no for an answer, either, Fi. I thought you were it for him and was certain Noah was just being like me and needed a kick in the pants to wake up.”

“Neither of you is at fault. Master Axyl warned me off on day one, and Doc told me up front. I didn’t know his sub nickname, but I knew his reputation. Despite all of that, I jumped into bed with him. It’s my fault. I’m the one who didn’t listen.”

“Talk to him, Fiona. Maybe we’re wrong.”

She looked back at Val, who, by all accounts, didn’t get things wrong with human interactions and behaviors. This could very well be a first.

“I will, but maybe not tonight. I’ve suddenly got a headache.”

“Yes. It’s too soon after your ordeal,” Esme agreed. “After the emotional high you’ve been on, I imagine coming out of it is a lot like sub drop.”

“Are you saying I should get Noah a water bottle and a cozy blanket?” she joked, but it wasn’t even halfhearted.

“I’d go with chocolate,” Val suggested drily. “An entire cake, triple chocolate overboard with dark chocolate sprinkles. From what you’ve said, he could use a mega dose of feel-good chemicals.”

She forced a smile while Esme forced a chuckle. Fiona didn’t even try, worried that chocolate cake and all the talking in the world wouldn’t be enough.

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