Page 133 of All at Once

“Come to think of it, maybe I was wrong. Let me just check to make sure,” he says so innocently, before tracing my neck in a curved motion with his thumb.

It’s not until his finger is replaced by his lips that I remember to ask, “So how fast is it beating?”

“Almost as fast as mine,” Luca whispers as he regains his posture.

His eyes grow a darker shade of blue the lower his hands move down my hips, at such a slow pace giving him plenty of time to continue glancing into my now heavier eyes.

Right when his fingers reach the waistband of my shorts, all the thoughts that have plagued my mind for years reenter despite not having an invitation.

What will he think of my body? What willIthink of my body? Will it be awkward?

What if I move the wrong way? Or say the wrong thing?

Then a completely different thought hits me as I blurt out, “We’re not having sex right now, right?”

Luca moves his hands off me. “No. I was just going to touch you if that’s what you still wanted?”

Okay, good.Why is my mind doing this to me again?

I reply, “No, yes. Yes I do.” Placing my hands over my forehead, I give him a nervous grin. “Once again, I’m really making this asunsexyas possible, aren’t I?”

He immediately shakes his head. “No, you’re not doing that at all. I think it’s good that you’re asking questions. And if anything else seems unclear or if you have a doubt about something, please tell me so I know.” As I nod, Luca brushes over my chin. “I wouldn’t want you to feel like anything’s too awkward to ask even if it feels that way.”

What did I do to deserve him?

Oh right. Waited almost a decade to hopefully find someone like him that I still can’t comprehend exists.

I nod with an increasingly vulnerable smile. “I don’t think you have to worry about that. If anything, I’ll ask youtoomuch.”

“There’snosuch thing” he reassures. “I mean that.” When he leans in again, it’s more cautious than before. “Are you sure you want tocontinue?”

Going on a few dates might not feel like much. But in the three weeks that Luca and I have spent constantly around each other, I’ve learned more about him than I do about friends that I’ve known for years. And it’s not just that. He knows how much this means to me. How much it has scared me.Weunderstand each other.Wecare about each other. To be naked in every sense of the word, beneath the lust and desire, there’s comfort and safety. In a way I’ve never come close to feeling before. The way at some point I feared I nevercould. So I try my best to articulate how I’ve never beenmore sureabout anything before when our eyes meet again.

“This is the first time I trust myself to share my body with another person.” I trace his neck and watch some of the pressure he’s holding in for the both of us ease up a bit. “And I trust you too. I never thought that I could trust someone else like this, but I do.”

Luca’s lips form the warmest smile. “I trust you too,” he says as he presses his soft lips onto mine before removing my shorts, leaving me in just my tank top and underwear.

My heartbeat thuds louder than iteverhas before when his hands graze along the sides of my hips. “How do you like to be touched?” he asks.

“I don’t know.” I sigh at my own answer.

“What do you mean?” he says, confused.

I swallow my saliva with a noticeably drier throat at a detail that even he doesn’t know about me yet. Not that it’s something I would have even knownhowto tell him until the moment arrived. Trying to maintain our eye contact despite my added embarrassment, I reveal, “I’ve only really touched right above.”

Luca’s brows furrow as he tries to read me. “You mean your clit?”

“Yes.” I flinch at myself for not even saying the word to him when he’s about to actually touch it. Nerves start building in his eyes as I worry he’s about to reconsider everything. “Please say something.”

Now I’m even more embarrassed at how unbelievable this all sounds. 25, and still hasn’t touched herself the way she’sexpectedto.

Luca looks at me with pursed lips, a trace of both hesitation and concern appearing on his face. “Do you mind if I ask why you didn’t want to call it your clit?”

I wish I knew the answers to these questions myself.

I sigh, then reply, “I guess it’s just something that I don’t usually ever say.” Or because using “normal terms” had always been taboo in my family. They made it feel like it was a crime tonotuse euphemisms when referring to completely normal body parts.

“I’m not trying to judge you for not saying it,” Luca clarifies. “I’m only bringing it up since I’m curious if it’s something that you don’twantto say or something youwishyou could say.” He rubs the edge of my shoulder with so much thought and patience.

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