Page 157 of All at Once

“But it all starts with you,” he says so simply as he brushes over my chin.

“What do you mean?”

He looks at my lips, while tracing soft strokes along my collarbone. “It turns me on toturn you on.”

I gesture with a flourish of my hand, “And with that, alas, she came for the tenth time on this magnetic evening.”

“I didn’t know you’re a poet?” Luca deadpans.

I snort as he moves off me.

As he removes the condom, he glances at me almost shyly. “I don’t want to assume you don’t know this,” he begins gently, “but I’ve learned that girls are supposed to pee after sex. To prevent…infection and such,” he gestures awkwardly with his hands, and it’s so endearing that I have to bite back a smile.

I actually did know this, but with all the thoughts and feelings jumbling around my mind at the moment, it wasn’t exactly thefirstthought I had after sex with Luca.

I stand from the bed and peck him on the lips. “Thanks for the reminder.”

When I come back from the bathroom and see him laying naked in his bed, it fully hits me. “I just had sex for the first time. Like, actual,full-onsex,” I tell Luca, while I join him on the sheets, as if I’m talking to my best friend over coffee.

“Congratulations. How was it?” His voice vibrates against my left ear as I feel him turn to his side.

I face toward him, meeting his glimmering eyes. “Unfairlygood. Like, I’m sorry, but I thought my first time would just feel awkward at best. I guess you said it perfectly that when you care about someone it’s this whole other experience.” My eyes light upat the reminder that while I’ve been working on this for so long that he also helped me in more ways than he’lleverknow.

The sparkle that his eyes reflects back to mine is so pure. A contrast from his immediate response as he teases, “Careful. I could go again.”

It’s hard to look at him like this and not get turned on all over again. With his heavy breathing, slight sweat over his chest, and disheveled hair that I somehow managed to mess up even more than yesterday. And that’s not even the most overwhelming part. He’s looking at me like I’m his best friend but also the woman he just had sex with, and it’s making me want to giggle, moan, and scream at the same time. It’slovely.

Wanting to relish this moment forever, I brush over his glowing cheek, and say, “It was also unexpected.”

“In what way?” he asks.

“I thought it was going to be more painful, but it wasn’t really for me,” I explain. “More uncomfortable than anything and that was mostly just at the beginning.”

“Yeah, it just depends on the person I guess. But I’m glad it wasn’t painful for you,” Luca says, while rubbing my shoulder.

“I still find it fascinating how it fits though. Like how is that even possible?” When he snorts loudly, I naively ask, “What?”

He shakes his head, still smirking. “I don’t think I’lleverget tired of hearing your questions.”

“You say that now…”

“No, really. Don’t ever change that about you.” Feeling a hundred degrees warmer suddenly, he continues, “And they’re perfectly valid questions, but for whatever reason you don’t really hear them very often.”

I smile. “Thank you for your patience with me, for all of this. I know I can be a handful.”

“You’re perfect.” He places a playful kiss on the tip of my nose. “I love you.”

Not knowing how to process all of these emotions simultaneously, I surprise myself when I manage to say, “I love you too.”

It occurs to me that I’m finally ready to articulate with him why his thoughtfulness has affected me so deeply. And why at some point, so much of this felt almost impossible to ever find.

“I guess why I keep saying ‘thank you’ to you about this stuff is that I was worried that waiting this long meant I’d lose the understanding from another person that’s usually given when you’re younger.”

“What do you mean?” he asks so sincerely, as if he’s listening in a way to make sure he doesn’t miss a single detail.

I explain, “Like when you’re intimate with someone who you’d expect would have more experience for their age. I just assumed that even if you tried, there’s a sense of empathy that you struggle to relate to and therefore show for the other person.” The attentiveness in Luca’s eyes almost makes me stutter. I give him a warm smile, before realizing exactly what I want to say to him. “I thought my innocence would be undervalued when the time would finally come. Instead, you made me feel like I was still 18. For the first time I felt like I didn’t lose any time to do any of this.”

His grin is still timid, noting his humility, before he grows more serious. “It’s what you deserve. It’s whateveryonedeserves. To have the same level of respect regardless of when you decide to do something personal like this.”

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