Page 167 of All at Once

He replies, “No, I haven’t.” I don’t know why my shoulders tense up again. I guess I wasn’t expecting him to say this. “But we can figure it out together,” he adds reassuringly.

“Okay.” I give him a soft smile, although my need to question every little thing doesn’t stop here. “It would’ve probably beeneasier if we had the experience already though,” I say casually, then realize how I sound. “Sorry, I’m not trying to be pessimistic. I guess I’m just feeling a little anxious because I care about this.”

“I care about thisandyou.” He traces his thumb over my cheek. “And I don’t think prior experience would have necessarily made this easier. I’ve had moments where I feared losing a relationship in the past, but none of it has prepared me for even the thought of losingyou.” He pauses. “I think you’re the first person I’ve fell in love with.”My entire body freezes in the best way.“I definitelythoughtI was in love before. But this feels so different. I think I was in love with the idea of love more than anything.”

“So I’m also somewhat of a first for you?”

“You’remanyof my firsts.”

“That’s cool I guess,” I say coyly, while losing my absolute shit on the inside.

As I’m still smiling, my brows crease suddenly at the reminder of the many fears that I’ve thankfully gotten over during this vacation.

Luca tilts his head at me. “What?”

“Nothing,” I say. “I just think I’m starting to realize why I’ve always felt so scared about every little thing. My parents are both immigrants, and I’m sure they most likely endured things that I could have never imagined. Things that they always hoped to protect me from. And I know they only wanted what theythoughtwas best for me.”

“It sounds like they really care about you,” Luca offers.

“I know they do. The thing is, they protected me so well that I got to a point where evenIpreferred having their protection over the things that I actually wanted. I became more scared of everything that they were always worried about in a way.” I sigh. “And now that I’m older they criticize me for being so behindfrom others in every aspect and that I’m not independent enough. They never really acknowledged how I got to this point, how their constant pressure and control contributed to it, and more so how difficult it’s been toreverseall those fears. As if it’s as easy as a light switch I could just somehow turn off.”

“For what it’s worth, you’re doing a pretty damn great job at pushing yourself.” Luca brushes over my fingers as he meets my gaze.

I didn’t think falling in love with someone could mean baring your most personal thoughts and feelings, and instead of feeling judged, you’d feel embraced and listened to.

“Thank you, Luca.” I squeeze his hand gently, now recalling the times where I felt fearless, in contrast. “You know the one place I never had any fear though?”

He shakes his head with curiosity.

“My imagination. It’s where I could have everything I wanted growing up and the one thing that no one could take away from me because it was in my head.”

“I definitely relate to that to an extent. I think your imagination is really important.”

“It’ssoimportant.” I sit up passionately. “I think as girls, we’re especially told at a young age to lessen our imagination and limit our expectations. And then we have social media constantly reminding us, ‘oh aren’t youtoo oldto like this or that,’ as if women are supposed to outgrow certain things that are perfectly acceptable.” I’m then reminded of a recent example. “Like the sandcastles we made the other day. If a woman in her twenties posted that on social media she’d get a flood of comments saying how childish it is.”

Luca nods. “I know, it’s pretty fucking ridiculous. Certain things just aren’t as encouraged for whatever reason, and it’s annoying.”

“It’s honestly exhausting.”

“I think that’s why perspective is everything,” he says, tilting his head. “As long as you know the value of something, other people’s comments just fade to background noise. Like the stereotype with men for example and how it’s notcoolto be ‘romantic,’ especially by other men. It’s disappointing, but again, it’s all about your perspective.”

I feel a sting in my chest, knowing that guys probably deal with a lot of scrutiny that I wouldn’t be able to understand. The way Luca wouldn’t completely understand how I feel. Nevertheless, it’s comforting to know you’re not alone in trying to figure out who you want to be in a world that sometimes makes that feel impossible to figure out.

“Perspective is important,” I add, “and I think mine was pretty different before. That’s why I’ve felt somewhat ashamed at times for not having the experience a woman my age is typically expected to have. But you’re right, no one can make you feel behind if you believe you’re not.”

“Well said.” He runs his fingers through the ends of my hair as his lips form a soft grin. “If I haven’t told you already, I like how direct you are with everything.”

I lean into his touch. “That’s a nice way of describing me. Thank you.”

“I really ate my own words though, didn’t I?”

“What do you mean?”

“When I made fun of you for coming here,” Luca clarifies. “If anything, I should have been grateful that you came here.”

“Yeah, who knows if we would’ve ever had a chance to meet if I didn’t come here.”

“I mean, now I think we could have probably met at some point,” he says with a sudden glimmer in his eyes. “There were so many things for it to only be a bunch of coincidences.”

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