Page 69 of All at Once

“Do you have someone over?” I ask.

His brows crease. “What? No.”

“Are you naked then?” I mock.

He rolls his eyes before opening his door, now leaving me with an image that’s going tohauntmy dreams.

Luca stands in the doorway with just a towel on, the piece of cloth doing its best to scrunch around his hips. I know I’ve seen him shirtless already. Butthisis sending me to another orbit. His v-lines somehow look even more distinct than before, the dangerous contours traveling so intentionally to where my mind shouldnotbe thinking about.

But I am.And Ineedto get it together.

Wondering if my mouth has been open this entire time, I say, “Is that all you’re wearing?”

“No,” Luca deadpans. “I took a shower with my swimsuit on.”

His sarcasm feelsfriendlyagain.

Too focused on his body, I almost miss his slightly damp hair.

I redirect back to why I came here in the first place, before he notices the way I’m blankly staring at him. If he hasn’t already. “Quick question, if a guy holds your ass, is that his way of saying he wants to hook up with you?”

Luca sighs. “Let me go change.” Even he knows there’s nothingquickabout any of my questions.

I’m starting to think that the hug could have been the reason why he was acting so weird earlier. Maybe he thinks that I like him and doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea?

He leaves the room, but his scent still lingers in the air, the refreshing mix of citrus, basil, and olive leaf making me hum. But it’s nothing compared to when he returns, now wearing a cozy sweater that looks like the softest fabric to touch.

I make myself comfortable on the couch, and he walks toward the same chair by his nightstand as last time. “I don’t think there’s a definitive answer to your question,” Luca finally replies.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“I mean, he probably just wanted to touch your ass. He could also want to hook up, but the two aren’t necessarily related.”

I groan. “Is it normal to bethisnervous when someone touches your ass though?”

He leans forward, while resting his elbows on his thighs. “Jasmine, I think it’s normal to be nervous aboutallof it.”

I try to avoid the comfort hearing my name from his lips keeps bringing me. “Really?Did you also find it hard to think of things to say when you first held hands with someone?” I mock myself, now remembering the conversation Enrique and I shared at the hike.

“I was nervous,” Luca replies. “I don’t think it affected our conversations though, but we’re all different.”

I lean back against the wall, frustrated. “Why does no one talk about how nerve-rackingallof this is? And I’m not even talking about sex anymore. Touching a person’s hand, when someone holds a part of your body that you’re not used to, or learning how to kiss. Which mind you, Istilldon’t even know if I’m doing correctly.”

“I feel like we’ve all felt that way though at some point,” he offers. “And a lot of it comes down to the dynamic that you have with someone. You could be a pro at kissing, but not mesh well with the person you’re currently kissing and then question your own technique.”

“I don’t know, Luca. The way my heart was beating and how nauseous I felt, I don’t know ifanyof that was normal. And if this is how I’m reacting to him holding my fucking ass, how am I even going to handle it when he finally touches my—” I sigh and redirect, “other areas.”

His face softens. “Look, I can’t explain why you feel the way that you do. But if I were to guess, a lot of what you’re saying is probably because you’ve had a lot more time to worry about it all.”

“But I wasalwaysnervous about it,” I explain. “Even during college.”

He nods. “Sure. But it’s only getting worse the longer you’ve gone without any of it.”

“I suppose.” Though, he’s right considering every year that passes without anything happening, it all seems even more daunting to me.

Luca adds, “The most subtle forms of physical contact can feel embarrassing when you’re not used to it. We all have that fear of the unknown. And then you have the fear of feeling like you’re behind to add to everything else. Which you obviously aren’t.No one is.”

“That’s a good way to put it,” I say. “I think you summed up my relationship with overthinking perfectly. Having had more time to do it, it’s made things feel even heavier.”

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