Page 86 of All at Once

“Did you not tell me on purpose?” I ask, my eyes filling with a kind of sadness I’ve never experienced before.

I thought Luca looked pissed when I spilled drinks on him the first day we met. That was nothing compared to how his face looks like right now.

His brows crease so intensely that his skin could snap at any second. “Are you fucking serious?” he says, a hurt appearing in his voice. “I would neverintentionallytry to put you in an uncomfortable position like this.”

Despite my anger, a small fraction of me feels awful for even suggesting it.

Whoever’s fault this was is irrelevant now. The fact is we’re here. And the point of all of this is topush myself. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

“You know what, fuck it. I’m doing this.” I turn away from him and start to undo the straps of my heels, wincing at the feeling of the coarse soil beneath my feet.

Luca’s voice immediately softens. “Jasmine.”

I don’t look at him. I’m still facing the water. With no expression, I blankly ask, “Have you ever gone skinny dipping before?”

“Why does that matter?” he says.

I make sure my voice doesn’t crack. “Please just answer my question.”

He sighs. “I have. But it was a while ago, and I don’t really find it all that interesting.”

All I hear from his response is that everyone has done everything except forme.

When I look over and notice how he hasn’t removed any of his clothes, my brows furrow. “You’re not going?”

“No,” he says.

“Why?” I question.

“I don’t want to.”

I almost smile with anger. “So you just don’t want to go withme?”

He quickly shakes his head. “No.” He stumbles over his words. “That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?” I ask, wanting the truth. His eyes grow heavier as he blinks. But when he takes too long to respond, my voice becomes shakier. “You think I’m a prude, don’t you?”

“Of course I don’t think that,” Luca replies, his chest visibly rising.

Ignoring him, I unzip my dress, letting it fall to the ground. Then my heart breaks a little at the realization that this is how I’m left standing in just my bra and underwear in front of a guy for the first time.

It also pains me to leave my dress in the grass like that with God knows what covering it while I’m in the water. But Ineedto get over myself. Iwantto be more like everyone else. This willhelp mebe more like everyone else.More normal.

Luca is the only person here who hasn’t taken off one article of clothing, and this pisses me off even more. “Jasmine, you don’t need to do this,” he reiterates, to my dismay.

I glare at him. “You don’t get to tell mewhatI need to do.” My eyes continue to sting. “Not after you threw it in my face that I’ve never experienced anything.” I guess I wasn’t over what he said the way I hadthought.

His expression falls. “Forget what I said. I didn’t mean any of it, and I already told you that,” he defends.

I turn back toward the shimmering water. My body starts to shake, from the cold but mostly from my weariness. My heart rate follows in severity when my fingers reach under my bra straps. I’ve blocked out all noises from around me. Or so I thought, until Luca’s voice cuts through the night. “Who are you trying to prove yourself to? I promise you no one else cares that much.”

I look at him, only to see he’s focused on the bushes around us. “Myself, Luca.”

The silence is palpable when his eyes now lift to mine. I immediately look away, not wanting to know what I might find in his eyes. Pity? Embarrassment? It would be too much for me to take.

With a million hesitations, I pull down the straps of my bra. My heartbeat is so fast that it just sounds like one extended thud on a loop. My hands continue to shake. A drop of sweat falls from my chest. But Idon’tstop. I keep tugging the straps down until my fingers rest right at the top of the padding. I take a deep breath. Close my eyes. And then pull on the fabric.

Then I stop.

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