Page 88 of All at Once

Every so often you have a moment where everything piles up altogether, and tears that you didn’t know you had in you keep falling and falling as you wonder to yourself,how the fuck did I get here?

I’m too defeated from this entire evening to even consider what I said to Luca, why I said it, or how it affected him.

Now that I’m facing fears I avoided before, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to push past habits that stem back decades long and extend so deep they’re practically weeds woven into my veins now.

If love is like learning a new language, it could leave you lost, especially when you start learning it 25 years into your life. And that’s exactly how I feel.

Lost.

Who needs someone to break your heart when you keep breaking yourown?

CHAPTER 14

“This Is Me Trying” – Taylor Swift

ENRIQUE IS ALL SMILES WHILE we’re having lunch the following day on a lovely sunny afternoon. Probably the sunniest day here so far. How ironic, my mood is the exact opposite.

If I’m smiling back, I don’t really sense it. I just feelnumb.

I wonder how the evening would have turned out if Enrique didn’t get drunk. If I stayed with him instead of with Luca.

At least that way, I could have also avoided the fruitless conversation with my father. That only reminded me partially why I’m in this mess. Repelled from making mistakes at the chance of consequences. Overthinking instead of doinganything.

And now I’ve made a mistake. A terrible,bigmistake. The second I woke up this morning, my heart felt heavy, regretting everything I said to Luca. Maybe he wasn’t trying to downplay how I felt, but the overthinking brought back doubts that maybe I don’t know him the way I thought I did, the way he proved this to me with his comment from a few nights ago. Maybe a part of me is also frustrated that he continues to do all these meaningful gestures for me when he doesn’t have feelings for me.

Stop ruining a pretty moment, Jasmine. Look at who’s sitting right in front of you.

I try to focus on Enrique’s eyes. The way they’re always so happy, positive, and energetic. The way they tend to make me feel any time I’ve looked into them previously.

But this time, I don’t feelanyof those things.

Remembering what the woman from the gift shop told me, I think of something to say, hoping it’ll dispel this funk I’m in. “What color are my eyes?” I ask him, my stomach turning in knots while awaiting his response.

Enrique’s brows crease as he puts his fork down. “What?”

I obviously can’t tell himwhyI’m asking this, so I opt for, “It’s just that someone earlier told me they looked a certain shade and I was curious what you see.” I say this so casually in contrast to the answer I’m itching to hear.

“They’re brown,” he replies. “And beautiful.” He smiles warmly and then continues to eat.

He just gave me a sweet compliment. Then why do I feelso underwhelmed?

_________

Later in the afternoon, I get a text from Enrique asking to meet me in the main kitchen near the lobby. I could feel his stress through his message, which is further confirmed by the way he’s pacing back and forth by the sink when I get there.

I’m about to say something, but then my face quickly falls when I notice Luca’s also here. He glances over, but then immediately shifts his attention away when he realizes it’s me. My heart strains in my chest even more than it did earlier somehow. If he looked hurt last night, he lookspissednow.

Enrique sighs deeply, then tells us, “You know how the wedding is tomorrow?”

I nod, while Luca replies, “Yeah.”

Enrique presses his hands to his forehead and explains, “The lead pastry chef just called in sick, and apparently most of his assistants are also sick. They think it was some food poisoning from a dish tasting they did a few days ago.” His cheeks continue to redden as he exhales. “Anyway, my regular chefs are trying their best to have everything done by tonight, but it doesn’t look too promising. Do you guys mind helping?”

“You want us to bake pastries for the wedding?” Luca asks skeptically.

“Together?” I add as Luca turns around, sensing that he wants to roll his eyes but doesn’t.

My own anger starts to trickle in again, remembering the conflicting feelings between us. And now I’m frustrated that I still care how he feels more than how hurt I felt at the waterfall.

---