Page 134 of All at Once

It’s hard not to relax under his touch as I try my best to reason about something that even I no longer can rationalize. “I haven’t given that part of it too much thought to be completely honest. Like if it’s something I want to say. I just know anytime I think of saying ‘clit’ or other similar words, I feel a bit embarrassed even though I know there’s nothing embarrassing about them.”

Oddly enough, this time itdoesn’tfeelembarrassing.

It almost feelsrelievinghaving said it just now.

He nods with a soft smile. “I just wanted you to know that there’s nothing wrong with saying those words,ifyou wanted to say them.”

My body warms with relief. I make a note at how Luca’s taking his time to not just brush over these more nuanced details ofintimacy. Ones that he could have completely ignored. Yet instead, he’s helping me work through them, starting with destigmatizing words I always felt ashamed to use.

“Do you really want me to be the one that touches you first then?” he asks.

I run my fingers through his hair, quickly reassuring, “I can’t even imagine doing any of this for the first time with anyone else. Iwantyou to be my first.”

“I meant even beforeyoudo.” He looks down at my hips and then into my eyes again. “Are you sure you want me to be thevery first one?”

I didn’t even think about it that way.

I take a deep breath before confessing something that I never thought I’d reveal to someone else.

“The thought of fingering myself has always scared me a little. Actually,a lot. I’ve tried it a few times, but when my finger barely touches me, I just panic.” I go off on a tangent since I’m also starting to panic rightnow. “That’s why I can’t even put a tampon in to this day.”

Still listening intently, he asks, “So you panic when something goes inside you?”

“Yes, but not exactly. It’s hard to describe, but whenever my finger feels like it’s about to go inside, my body just clenches. And it freaks me out a little.” I can’t even hide the disappointment I feel when he removes his hands from my hips again.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this yet then,” Luca says, hesitant. “I don’t know how I feel about doing something to you that you’re this worried about doing to yourself.” He sits up as I prop up on my elbows in frustration.

Knowing how complicated and personal this is for me, I try my best to convince him that I can’t imagine himnotbeing the firstone. “That’s the thing though. I’m so worried that I won’teverdo this out of my own irrational fear.” I sigh deeply, exhaling my frustration. “I really want you to try.”

The softness in his eyes eases the tension in my shoulders. He still looks conflicted but nods. “Okay. But please stop me for any reason.”

“I promise.”

As Luca kneels down and moves in between my legs, I’m convinced that any nerves I’m experiencing are from the vicious cycle that my fear has always kept me on.

But I no longer want to run around in circles. I’d rather get lost in him.

My trembling body only weakens further when Luca’s index finger slips under the waistband of my underwear as he slides it down without leaving my eyes.

I thought I’d feel more nervous once I’d be exposed like this. But I don’t. Not even a little. I feelliberated. Although it might have something to do with thewayLuca’s looking at me. With lips parted open so seductively that the view alone is enough to make my legs shake even more. As if there are a thousand words he wants to say. A thousand things he wants todo. Yet is holding his wildest thoughts and actions back.

He stretches my legs slightly to reveal even more of me, and I swear my entire body squirms as he glances in between my legs with a narrower gaze. “You’re more beautiful than I imagined.”

Did he just admit that he’s imagined me as well?

I tease, “So you’ve thought about this before?”

“A couple of times at least, but I mean, who’s counting?” He smirks as his hand moves down my stomach only for me to start laughing.

Feeling mortified thatof coursemy ticklishness had to come back and haunt me, I cover my cheeks with my hands while still giggling. “I’m sorry. You knew what to expect.”

“What if we try what you told me the first time we went surfing?” His chuckle quickly turns into a coy smirk. “You want to lead me?” He reaches his provocative hand out toward my chest as I hold onto it before directing him down my body.

Our eyes continue to grow in intensity with every inch our hands are traveling lower. And the further our fingers go, the more it feels like he’s touched me when he hasn’t even yet.

When I remove my hand, he places his middle finger on the one part of me I’m most familiar with. Except the moment his skin touches mine, it’s a completelydifferentexperience. One where myentirebody reacts. My chest lifts slightly from the sheets. My inner thighs try to press against each other. And my hips are desperate to move along with his finger.

But the initial touch is nothing compared to when Luca begins tracing agonizingly slow circles on the outside of my clit before building toward its sensitive center. “Luca—” My head falls back into the pillow, remembering how he’s a painter and damn is he showing his skills right now.

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