Page 136 of All at Once

He nods. “I get that, and I believe you. But your mind is unsure of what’s going to happen next. And I think that’s what’s causing your body to shut down.”

My heart tightens in my chest after hearing this. It’s like an epiphany of some sorts. Maybe ithasbeen my mind that’s been feeding my body fear rather than the alternative. The exact way fear has been blocking all the other aspects of my life from flourishing. Wanting things to change but holding myself back in fear of what lies beyond the unknown.

Despite this realization, at this very moment, I’m not really seeing howthiswill change. And it’s not like it’s on him to change it. “I don’t know what to do to remove that fear,” I admit.

His brows crease as he pauses. “I wish I knew what to say, but maybe try and not be as worried that it’s not happening. Since now you’re scared that you’re scared. If that makes any sense.”

“It does.” I give a weak smile, not wanting to affect him beyond this when he’s been trying his hardest to help. It’s not until then that I realize I forgot to put my underwear back on, noting how comfortable he’s made me that I could be this exposed amidst a sentimental conversation.

Sitting up against the headboard, Luca combs through my hair as my head rests on his shoulder. Every gentle stroke, caress, and movement of his fingers only makes me shiver again, appreciating how his attention to detail clearly doesn’t just start nor stop with sex.

He turns toward me. “Maybe I need to step up my game,” he says with a chuckle, purposefully trying to make the mood more lighthearted.

“No, no,” I rush to correct him. “You did everything great. I was turned on and—”

“Jasmine, relax. I’m only joking.” A smirk crosses his face. “And I know. I could tell.”

He presses a kiss to my temple so endearingly that my entire nervous system reactivates.

It’s nice being with someone who doesn’t make you doubt yourself. But Luca takes this one step further. The way he’s reacted to everything is making me want to remove every single one of myownfears.

And even if it’s not easy or comfortable, I just have a feeling the next time will go a lot differently than this.

CHAPTER 23

“Willow” – Taylor Swift

I KNEW LUCA’S HANDS WOULDN’T disappoint having stared at them an embarrassing number of times before the fact.

Even now as we drive down to the beach the next day, I can’t stop glancing over at how tightly they grip onto the steering wheel as I curse underneath my breath at how I stopped his fingers before they even had a chance to go inside me.

When he comes out of the water after he spent the morning surfing and I opted to sunbathe on the shore, I look over at him, unsure if I’lleverget used to how glowing his skin is.

It’s a good thing he closes his eyes while basking in the sun as he picks up his beach towel. Since I’m trying not to show him how awfully distracted he has made me.

Aimlessly picking up my book while barely concealing the bottom half of my face, I hear his cocky voice from above. “I didn’t know that you could read upside down.”

Shit. There goes my cover.

“How do you know it’s upside down?” I say. “Maybe the cover just looks like that.”

He snorts. “Right.”

Turning my attention to the other side of the shore, I spot a few kids building sandcastles.

The sense of wonder that’s written across their faces is so palpable that I feel their joy from afar. Yet there’s this bittersweet afterthought that lingers as I recall a familiar memory from long ago. When I observed an identical scene back when I was a child. Although still as an outside observer.

I didn’t think things from my childhood would also leave me feeling like I missed out. It could be since those years were so long ago that I can’t quite trace those memories as well as my twenties or even teenage ones. The melancholy from the familiar reminder feels all the same though.

“You have that same look on your face that you have when you’re daydreaming about something,” Luca says. He really can read mefrighteningly wellat this point.

I snap out of this daze, turning toward him again. “No, I was just distracted by the sandcastles.”

“I haven’t made one of those in ages,” he says with such a warm smile.

I reveal, “I’ve never made one.”

His brows furrow so deeply. “Really?” It’s his honest reaction. Yet, seeing how surprised he looks only adds to the dreariness I’m feeling over missing an experience I so desperately wanted.

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