Page 6 of All at Once

Once he’s made his way into the living room, his focus now on the television, he adds, “I’m telling you both right now so you’re not surprised later, if anything goes wrong on this trip I don’t want to hear about it.” His voice gets deeper. “Maybe your mom will answer your phone call because I won’t.”

I want to scream. I want to cry. Even though I saw this all coming, it stings just as much hearing it. Part of me now regretseven telling them, the hopeful, naïve side of me learning a lesson the hard way: to leave well enoughalonenext time.

“Please keep thinking about it,” my mom tries to convince me as she walks me out the front door not long after dinner. “Don’t rush anything.”

I often wonder if she would have been more lenient with me if it wasn’t for my dad’s input. A part of me thinks so.

I kiss her cheeks before making my way back to my car, to this day not fully grasping our dynamic as a family and even more so why they’ve always been this excessively strict with me. They immigrated to the US before I was born, and I always thought this maybe played a role in wanting to protect our family and me. But I don’t think I can continue justifying their behavior on the basis of their upbringing no matter how much I empathize with them.

The front door locks closed, followed by my deep exhale, the slight chill of the summer night brushing against my cheeks. Disappointing my parents has never been my intention. It wouldn’t be fair to discredit all the positive things that they have done for me: making sure I got a good education, financially supporting me up until recently, and providing me with a life that has been comfortable.

But I’ve also given the better part of my life trying not to disappoint both of them. What I’m realizing is that I will always find a way to mess up something in their eyes. Disappointingmyselfis no longer an option.

Replaying my father’s words from tonight, I’m reminded that conversations like these are usually the turning point for me. One where my blood boils so hot, my fear starts to fade, and I’m finally willing to make a change. In a way, I’m grateful that they reminded me exactlywhyI have to go on this trip and why Iamgoing.

Is this a bit irrational? Absolutely. But there are worse thoughtless decisions to make I presume.

Before starting my car, my phone screen glows in the darkness as I shakily craft a hopefully endearing message to send Enrique:

Jasmine: Guess who’s coming to Spain?

Enrique: Is this a trick question?

Jasmine: lol no

Enrique: Wait. Now I have to check if the suite is still available. One moment

This seems like something he’d say playfully. But it’s not exactly easy to detect a person’s emotions through texting, especially a person you don’t know very well. So I say:

Jasmine: I hope you’re joking

Enrique: I already reserved it for you last night...

My heart starts to flutter as I send him a flirtier message that only texting makes me bold enough to do.

Jasmine: Someone’s a little excited to see me again

Enrique: You have no idea

Yeah. I 100% made the right choice in deciding to go. Who cares about the trillion things that could go wrong? Clearly, not me right now.

I almost forgot how it felt to have a crush. The butterflies. The racing heartbeat. The smiling like an idiot at your phone. I may have giggled more in the past 12 hours than I probably have in months. I also may be abruptly traveling for a crush who I barelyknew years ago, but if at the very least I can also have a pleasant experience knowing that I’m facing my fears, it just might be worth it.

_________

When I walk through our apartment door, Georgia quickly puts down her phone and asks, “How did it go?”

“As shitty as we expected,” I say, sinking onto the couch.

Her brows crease. “You look happy though?”

“That’s because I’m going.”

She sits up, leaning toward me. “So it’s for sure now?”

“Yes. I booked my flight right after I left their house,” I reply, barely believing my words even as I say them. I’m not sure it’s fully sunk in yet. “I leave in three days.”

In my defense, this was the only flight that was available and decently priced for the next few weeks. Although it’s good that boarding a plane as soon as possible also means less time to overthink all of this.

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